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Another Divorce Looming

Posted By: FishTaco

Another Divorce Looming - 11/27/16 03:17 AM

Yes, that is on the cards for me.

Firstly, I would like to apologize to all of my SIMHQ friends that I haven't been around for so long.

As some of the older "crew" may know, around six years ago, I got re-married. In that time, stealthily, my wife has been manipulating my easy going nature to the point where I have almost lost myself. I used to be a very outgoing person, but as I sit here writing this today, I can say with all honesty that I don't even know what makes me happy any more. I spend $0 on myself, I just eat, and work.

I realized when we redecorated recently that I practically have zero input on ANYTHING. Honestly, the last time I remember having fun was about five years ago, when I went to a friends party and got drunk. Sure, I admit I had a little weed as well, but honestly, it was not worth the months long lecture that I got afterwards.

About three weeks ago, everything came to a head in regards to my youngest daughter, who is in the Philippines. My wife reading over my shoulder, referring to my ex as "that #%&*$# in the Philippines", and insults about my daughter when I have an online chat with her, I reached a breaking point. I told her then and there that the marriage was over.

Yesterday I went to a head shrink, and her conclusion was: "You have made up your mind with no uncertainty Andrew". I feel nothing for this woman any more, I can't even muster dislike. I just simply ignore her.

After thinking things through, I have decided to devote the rest of my life to my daughter, and to traveling the world. I do not care for a house etc any more. It's my 50th birthday in January, and I have booked and paid for a 4 day holiday to Bali, relaxing and drinking by the pool and the beach, perhaps that will level my head.

After that, I am back to the Phil. in March for my daughters 8th birthday. By the way, my wife has known everything since day one. After that, perhaps finally the U.S.A in late 2017, as I've always wanted.

Sorry for the rant, but I just wanted to apologize to my online friends here at SIMHQ. You have always been a good bunch, and I feel that I've let you all down. I hope that I can be accepted back into the fold.

Many thanks,

Andrew.
Posted By: JimK

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/27/16 03:43 AM

Damn, so sorry to hear about this Andy. Really sucks. Hang in there. We are pulling for you.
Posted By: FishTaco

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/27/16 04:06 AM

Thanks guys, although I'm handling this pretty well at the moment. I think in the back of my mind, I have been thinking for a while this would happen.

About six weeks ago, my blood pressure was 216 over 90. Yeah,doc gave me drugs for it, but also I've started to relax as well. Today it was 126 over 80, so I'm happy.

I guess the key point of my post was not to look for sympathy, as I say I'm quite happy, but moreso to indicate the effects that people who are close to you can have on you without you even knowing.

Bizarre.
Posted By: Brit44 'Aldo'

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/27/16 04:11 AM

I was married at 20 to the 'wrong' person. It lasted 3 days short of 3 years before her latest lover said it was me or him and the 'D' was final. I told the judge that I did not want the D, but fortunately for me the US state of Michigan is a no fault state. Hard to say how things would have worked out. She ended up doing jail time and even as recent as 8? years ago I was receiving collection calls in her name.

I am in my 50s now. I ended up scared and bitter. I dated for a year or so but could never trust enough for another honest relationship. I am now a little bitter and somewhat regretful that I have no family.

I am fortunate that I have friends who worked through there marital issues and have lasted to see there children start there families. I also have had a good friend take his life after taking his wife's when she said she wanted a D.

"Life is not kind to any but the lucky". You have a child. The most important thing in your life is that you help that child grow old with fewer problems then you experience. If you make a valiant attempt at that, then you are a good father.

Your existence is what you make of it. I don't know if I helped. I only gave my opinion and my experiences.
Posted By: Wolfstriked

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/27/16 01:43 PM

On a brighter note,good for you!! No matter how good the sex is or how well she cooks if the relationship sours then simply move on.Be happy that your ending the relationship with the sea hag as many people think to endure for so many reasons forgetting all about just being happy.
aroundthetree
Posted By: - Ice

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/27/16 01:44 PM

Sorry to hear about your troubles but happy to know that you're heading in a better direction. Some people just suck the life out of life.

I hope you enjoy your vacation in the Philippines!
Posted By: rwatson

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/27/16 02:31 PM

Sorry to hear of your troubles I well know the feelings,,,Went through two wives and lost my close mate to cancer last year..but I've learned to move on and not dwell on the shouldas,and could've ,wish I did this or that and accepted things as they are.and get on with my own life,,Hell got a good dog and she always is my friend no matter what.
Posted By: GrooveChampion

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/27/16 05:16 PM

Well just my 0.02c. There is no point in maintaining a relationship which makes you miserable. My experience has been that any space you willingly give up will immediately be taken up by the other side irrespectively of the type of relationship (personal or professional). Of course compromises always have to be made but when you find yourself always getting the short end of the stick you have to start questioning whether you are being steamrolled. It seems to me that your decision has been some time in the making and is not a spur of the moment thing.
Posted By: W-Molders

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/27/16 05:24 PM

I feel for you and have been in the same boat... so I know what I am talking about.. also, researched the topic of women and marriages to no end....

I will give you a synopsis of the situation...

1. Most women are dream killers and control freaks by nature.. this has been multiplied by X10 with the political and social dynamic of the last 50 years... it actually started with kids of our generation from our parent's new outlook on social structure in the western world. Hell, look at TV nowadays.. the female detective who is smart.. the bumbling man who is her partner... the woman military secret spy with the tank top and pony tail who kills off all the men baddies in a blink of an eye... you get the picture..

2. Most women have what I call the double II's the double 'I' is INCONSIDERATE AND INSENSITIVE. They simply only connect with their own feelings and pleasures and have no interest or capability to feel empathy to ours... (I had a boss at one time that made peoples lives horrible because of this.. the whole office quit) My ex wife was like this...and, just about every girls I have dated as well..

3. Everybody is programed to kiss the a(ss) of women ... even if they are wrong... hell, they can literally start a fight in a bar .. or pub as you would call it, and nobody blames her really or says anything about it.. its all the MANS fault... so, in essence, they are EMPOWERED.

4. At the end of the day, we as humans, are programmed for this----> men want looks in their mate... while women want comfort and security in theirs. This is why you see a nearing 60% divorce rate in the western world.. men cheat as women get older or fatter from having kids ect... or the women makes our lives hell if they are not happy with their current social and economic positions in life. If you dilute down to the cusp of the issue, its mainly around this Phenomenon

5. Pretty much all women are the same... I date and see many-many-many of the same BS traits I have come accustomed to seeing when relationships go south and the funny thing is, I have changed and gotten better and more mature as I have become older but they STAY THE SAME. At least men come in different styles and make ups.. women are all the same (some dispaly more than others) there are exceptions to the rule but its like 5% or less.... meaning.. why gamble? why go through this horsesh1t again or ever at all? it is not the time for men... stay single... let women destroy themselves... let them fend for themselves.. they wanted this.. they got it (hopefully they didnt get any of your money in the process) let them get old and hit that dreaded time/age window were they cannot fit those pair of hot jeans on again and go 'man hunting' ....

6. Let them die alone as they deserve.
Posted By: W-Molders

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/27/16 05:34 PM

Originally Posted By: FishTaco
Thanks guys, although I'm handling this pretty well at the moment. I think in the back of my mind, I have been thinking for a while this would happen.

About six weeks ago, my blood pressure was 216 over 90. Yeah,doc gave me drugs for it, but also I've started to relax as well. Today it was 126 over 80, so I'm happy.

I guess the key point of my post was not to look for sympathy, as I say I'm quite happy, but moreso to indicate the effects that people who are close to you can have on you without you even knowing.

Bizarre.


learned your lesson?... dont do it again.
Posted By: Haggart

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/27/16 06:01 PM

3 of my co-workers have gone through divorces in the past 3 years - one of them had been married for 20 years.

There has to be some luck involved in choosing to get married and then in staying married. But to that must be added this:

Married couples should be choosing to live their lives in such a way as to be the best fit for their marriage. Willingness to adapt and make certain sacrifices are essential. This doesn't mean to completely change who you are or how you live.

Sometimes divorce - is necessary
Posted By: MarkG

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/28/16 02:26 PM

I hope you all don't mind if I throw in a little positivity to offset the MGTOW (maybe I lucked out and found that 5%).

DISCLAIMER: We're 6 weeks away from our 29th Wedding Anniversary (married at 20, I'm 5 weeks older) and coming off one of the best weeks we've ever had in our married lives. I mean, EVER (Cloud 9)!

Originally Posted By: Haggart
There has to be some luck involved in choosing to get married and then in staying married. But to that must be added this:

Married couples should be choosing to live their lives in such a way as to be the best fit for their marriage. Willingness to adapt and make certain sacrifices are essential. This doesn't mean to completely change who you are or how you live.


Nicely put. thumbsup Some examples of what my wife and I want from each other, besides mutual love and respect, yada yada...

What does my wife want from me? At this point, just to do my part around the house. These days (and for some time now), it's been more economical for me to stay home and work on the house (also taking care of parents, taking them on doctor appointments, stuff like that). She's the one who leaves for work early in the morning and often gets home later in the evening, so I do what I can to help her.

I'm usually the first one out of bed and while she showers, I take care of the dogs, make coffee and breakfast, get her lunch together and often make dinner as well (simple stuff like salads, sauteed fish w/oven roasted veggie, etc.) although mom has been taking care of dinner lately. Once the house construction is completed and my parents are completely moved in, I'll get back to my very neglected game project. School will have to wait.

What do I want from my wife? Despite *me* doing housework and cooking, I'm still a man, dammit! biggrin The two leather jackets she bought this week (burgundy and light-tan suede), more VS and expensive perfume are a nice start, along with another pair of jeans. smile The morning quickies and afternoon delights are nice enough, I'm not complaining. But I need that something special to look forward to throughout the week, the Friday [or Saturday] date night. The *really* special ones almost always have three things in common: sushi/shrimp, drinks and live music. Well, four things if you consider the date isn't over until the next sunrise.

What I *really* need (and have gotten for the past 2 or 3 years or so) is a shared excitement and anticipation about it, that we both can't wait for Friday night to get here. Starting with prep work the night before (extra grooming) and dressing/glamming up the Friday morning (unless the concert is late and there's time to dress up at home). I even clean the car and man cave (something about having that personal space you invite her to, with music and a final drink). I also need eyes wide open and squeezing my hand on the long drive home after midnight vs. falling asleep in the car like a typical evening Costco grocery shopping.

After 32 years together, I (we) still need a bit of teenage adrenaline to keep interest and passion in our marriage going. We'd survive without it IF something happened that was beyond our control (we'd still have the wonderful memories) but we couldn't go back pre-2008 and still make it (and we almost didn't make it then).

++++++++++

Guess what I'm trying to say is that before you end it, just be certain you can't salvage it. I thank my lucky stars every day that we held on through those not-so-great years.
Posted By: Jedi Master

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/28/16 02:33 PM

Trashing your daughter because she came from your previous marriage is unforgivable, you're 100% right you're better off.

That said, don't believe the stupid comments about women. There are good ones and bad ones, just like men. Ask any gay man about his relationship experiences and you'll find they mirror straight men's with no women involved.

You've not been lucky, no, and perhaps it's more an issue of who you find yourself attracted to.
I've seen many people, men and women, who shrugged off dating "decent" people in favor of the ones that were going to be bad for them. THAT is the trap you must avoid.

Find someone who is willing to be a partner, not a master, not a slave, not a manipulator, and you'll be fine.
If you don't, that's ok, as long as you don't get married out of desperation to one of those.

A good marriage is better than being alone, but being alone is better than a bad one. smile



The Jedi Master
Posted By: RSColonel_131st

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/28/16 03:04 PM

Quote:
I need that something special to look forward to throughout the week, the Friday date night.


You are a wise man!

While this forum knows a lot about me there's something I haven't put here yet: I increasingly spend a lot of time counseling people at a flirt/date/relationship site (as a private, standard forum member), and I recently started my training as a certified social-psychological advisor/counselor (basically the small brother of the Psychotherapist qualification as far as Austrian law stands.) I'm going to work mostly with guys on enhancing their personality and finding their identity, because that is what really kept me busy the past ten years in my own life and personal growth.

While I definitely feel for Andrew, I have to say: There's no denying in my experience that we attract the kind of people we get with into our life for a reason. And while it's convenient to say it's all the woman's fault (and sometimes it is, yes) frequently enough two people play out a game, often not unlike their relationship with their parents, a game that needs both players to work. You can't be manipulated if you don't let yourself be manipulated. Women don't have secret black magic powers to make us guys the victims.

Andrew, I wish you all the best, and would ask you to consider seeing that "Head Shrink" a few more times. There got to be things bottled up in you that made you stick in a bad relationship for too long, and while it's tempting to say you're now done with women, that thing can come back and bite you in other ways. I know that most guys don't like counseling/therapy because it's considered unmanly and "weak" but at 50 your love-life is far from over. And you will program your daughter with the same traits if you don't clean up your own hidden troubles.

Werner, you sound bitter. That can be understandable depending on past experiences, but no, there are far more than 5% women on this planet worth being with. Yet again, like attracts like, and until we as guys clean our own place we don't find a mate living to the same high standard.

Mark, what you wrote about "A date each week, forever" is exactly what I wrote in that other forum today to a young guy in his early tweens. Count yourself fortunate, not just because of your wife, but also because you both seem to understand yourself well and thus can live out a marriage that is what it can be.
Posted By: Falstar

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/28/16 03:20 PM

"Interesting"
Posted By: W-Molders

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/28/16 03:21 PM

Originally Posted By: RSColonel_131st
Quote:
I need that something special to look forward to throughout the week, the Friday date night.


You are a wise man!

While this forum knows a lot about me there's something I haven't put here yet: I increasingly spend a lot of time counseling people at a flirt/date/relationship site (as a private, standard forum member), and I recently started my training as a certified social-psychological advisor/counselor (basically the small brother of the Psychotherapist qualification as far as Austrian law stands.) I'm going to work mostly with guys on enhancing their personality and finding their identity, because that is what really kept me busy the past ten years in my own life and personal growth.

While I definitely feel for Andrew, I have to say: There's no denying in my experience that we attract the kind of people we get with into our life for a reason. And while it's convenient to say it's all the woman's fault (and sometimes it is, yes) frequently enough two people play out a game, often not unlike their relationship with their parents, a game that needs both players to work. You can't be manipulated if you don't let yourself be manipulated. Women don't have secret black magic powers to make us guys the victims.

Andrew, I wish you all the best, and would ask you to consider seeing that "Head Shrink" a few more times. There got to be things bottled up in you that made you stick in a bad relationship for too long, and while it's tempting to say you're now done with women, that thing can come back and bite you in other ways. I know that most guys don't like counseling/therapy because it's considered unmanly and "weak" but at 50 your love-life is far from over. And you will program your daughter with the same traits if you don't clean up your own hidden troubles.

Werner, you sound bitter. That can be understandable depending on past experiences, but no, there are far more than 5% women on this planet worth being with. Yet again, like attracts like, and until we as guys clean our own place we don't find a mate living to the same high standard.

Mark, what you wrote about "A date each week, forever" is exactly what I wrote in that other forum today to a young guy in his early tweens. Count yourself fortunate, not just because of your wife, but also because you both seem to understand yourself well and thus can live out a marriage that is what it can be.


trust me.. iam not bitter.. iam very happy with that aspect of my life... I can get women..
Posted By: W-Molders

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/28/16 03:26 PM

Originally Posted By: MarkG
I hope you all don't mind if I throw in a little positivity to offset the MGTOW (maybe I lucked out and found that 5%).

DISCLAIMER: We're 6 weeks away from our 29th Wedding Anniversary (married at 20, I'm 5 weeks older) and coming off one of the best weeks we've ever had in our married lives. I mean, EVER (Cloud 9)!

Originally Posted By: Haggart
There has to be some luck involved in choosing to get married and then in staying married. But to that must be added this:

Married couples should be choosing to live their lives in such a way as to be the best fit for their marriage. Willingness to adapt and make certain sacrifices are essential. This doesn't mean to completely change who you are or how you live.


Nicely put. thumbsup Some examples of what my wife and I want from each other, besides mutual love and respect, yada yada...

What does my wife want from me? At this point, just to do my part around the house. These days (and for some time now), it's been more economical for me to stay home and work on the house (also taking care of parents, taking them on doctor appointments, stuff like that). She's the one who leaves for work early in the morning and often gets home later in the evening, so I do what I can to help her.

I'm usually the first one out of bed and while she showers, I take care of the dogs, make coffee and breakfast, get her lunch together and often make dinner as well (simple stuff like salads, sauteed fish w/oven roasted veggie, etc.) although mom has been taking care of dinner lately. Once the house construction is completed and my parents are completely moved in, I'll get back to my very neglected game project. School will have to wait.

What do I want from my wife? Despite *me* doing housework and cooking, I'm still a man, dammit! biggrin The two leather jackets she bought this week (burgundy and light-tan suede), more VS and expensive perfume are a nice start, along with another pair of jeans. smile The morning quickies and afternoon delights are nice enough, I'm not complaining. But I need that something special to look forward to throughout the week, the Friday [or Saturday] date night. The *really* special ones almost always have three things in common: sushi/shrimp, drinks and live music. Well, four things if you consider the date isn't over until the next sunrise.

What I *really* need (and have gotten for the past 2 or 3 years or so) is a shared excitement and anticipation about it, that we both can't wait for Friday night to get here. Starting with prep work the night before (extra grooming) and dressing/glamming up the Friday morning (unless the concert is late and there's time to dress up at home). I even clean the car and man cave (something about having that personal space you invite her to, with music and a final drink). I also need eyes wide open and squeezing my hand on the long drive home after midnight vs. falling asleep in the car like a typical evening Costco grocery shopping.

After 32 years together, I (we) still need a bit of teenage adrenaline to keep interest and passion in our marriage going. We'd survive without it IF something happened that was beyond our control (we'd still have the wonderful memories) but we couldn't go back pre-2008 and still make it (and we almost didn't make it then).

++++++++++

Guess what I'm trying to say is that before you end it, just be certain you can't salvage it. I thank my lucky stars every day that we held on through those not-so-great years.


in 95% of the cases were I see marriages work, its the man who basically says ' I live my life for myself and answer to nobody' (steve mcqueen quote) and if the woman sticks, she sticks.. most of the time she doesnt.
Posted By: MarkG

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/28/16 04:40 PM

Thing is, W-Molders, is that my wife *wants* me to be my own man! Hell, she even misses how excited I use to get about flight simming, how I use to bubble over about it at dinner or whatever (except for bringing Manuals to the table, she doesn't miss that). But can you believe that?!

Maybe because I had a passion for something unique to me, I dunno. Sometimes I wonder if this woman is *really* a Rush fan or does she more enjoy my enthusiasm about a Rock band? Maybe both. I have that passion now for the house but I'm ready to get back to simming.

EDIT: I checked her Shuffle playlist, I'm satisfied with the amount of Rush on it (no Caress of Steel, though). smile

BTW, I recognize that I cheated the system (or myself, however you want to look at it) by not having children and never having to deal with the pressures of parenting. Many couples I know who are our age thrived on raising children (happily taking care of grandchildren now) but I know for some it might have been too much.

EDIT: IIRC, it was 20mm who use to [at least once] bring his Falcon 4 Manual with him when he took his wife out to dinner. I did the same every Sunday morning at Cracker Barrel breakfast, hauling around EF2000 and TAW Manuals and Strategy Guides...lol.
Posted By: Gunnyhighway

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/29/16 12:51 AM

tactical
Posted By: Robbster

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/29/16 01:26 AM

Many of my friends who got divorced/separated, found motivation to eat better and get back to shape again. They are night and day healthier now. They have a new lease on life.
Posted By: W-Molders

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/29/16 03:33 AM

Originally Posted By: Robbster
Many of my friends who got divorced/separated, found motivation to eat better and get back to shape again. They are night and day healthier now. They have a new lease on life.


Women are notorious for this... they fatten up while together (unless rich trophy wife) cut their hair.. ect then when the man has luckily had enough, the woman gets 'in heat' and starts dropping pounds.. doing stuff with her hair again ect..
Posted By: FishTaco

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 11/29/16 12:57 PM

For my update, see the health thread.....

Anyway, continuing on, no animosity at all from me. Tonight I separated some of the bills, so now she may have some idea of the true cost of living. She nearly fell off the sofa when I told her how much it was going to cost her to replace the brakes on her SUV.

At this moment, I can't even remember the last time that I had this much peace of mind. Got my plans together for how I'd like my life to go. Not so sure about her; she's tied to her phone muttering away in Thai. Personally, if I didn't have my little girl, I might consider army again.

But I really dropped in here to say a big thanks to everybody. Whilst breakups can have negative affects, for me it has been all positive. So much more too it, but it's too personal to post on a forum :-)

Thanks guys,

Andrew.
Posted By: mailman

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/01/16 10:36 AM

Originally Posted By: W-Molders
in 95% of the cases were I see marriages work, its the man who basically says ' I live my life for myself and answer to nobody' (steve mcqueen quote) and if the woman sticks, she sticks.. most of the time she doesnt.


Interesting point of view W.

A number of guys I know are exactly as you say above (live for themselves) have ended up being divorced exactly because they did as they pleased. To be frank (or Dave), their exes are better off without them.

I think there is something about being married to a boy who never grew up that saps the life out of you. These guys haven't yet realised that part of the job of being a man is to actually stop being a boy and grow up and start being a man.

Mailman
Posted By: ATAG_Bliss

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/01/16 09:22 PM

Originally Posted By: RSColonel_131st
Quote:
I need that something special to look forward to throughout the week, the Friday date night.


You are a wise man!

While this forum knows a lot about me there's something I haven't put here yet: I increasingly spend a lot of time counseling people at a flirt/date/relationship site (as a private, standard forum member), and I recently started my training as a certified social-psychological advisor/counselor (basically the small brother of the Psychotherapist qualification as far as Austrian law stands.) I'm going to work mostly with guys on enhancing their personality and finding their identity, because that is what really kept me busy the past ten years in my own life and personal growth.

While I definitely feel for Andrew, I have to say: There's no denying in my experience that we attract the kind of people we get with into our life for a reason. And while it's convenient to say it's all the woman's fault (and sometimes it is, yes) frequently enough two people play out a game, often not unlike their relationship with their parents, a game that needs both players to work. You can't be manipulated if you don't let yourself be manipulated. Women don't have secret black magic powers to make us guys the victims.

Andrew, I wish you all the best, and would ask you to consider seeing that "Head Shrink" a few more times. There got to be things bottled up in you that made you stick in a bad relationship for too long, and while it's tempting to say you're now done with women, that thing can come back and bite you in other ways. I know that most guys don't like counseling/therapy because it's considered unmanly and "weak" but at 50 your love-life is far from over. And you will program your daughter with the same traits if you don't clean up your own hidden troubles.

Werner, you sound bitter. That can be understandable depending on past experiences, but no, there are far more than 5% women on this planet worth being with. Yet again, like attracts like, and until we as guys clean our own place we don't find a mate living to the same high standard.

Mark, what you wrote about "A date each week, forever" is exactly what I wrote in that other forum today to a young guy in his early tweens. Count yourself fortunate, not just because of your wife, but also because you both seem to understand yourself well and thus can live out a marriage that is what it can be.


This X 1000000!!

There's tons of awesome women out there. There's tons of damaged ones as well. Same goes for men. But at the end of the day, if you aren't communicating..., genuinely talking about even the littlest bit of things that ails you about your partner or vice versa, there is going to be a massive build up that comes to a halt sooner or later.

I don't know the OP's situation at all, but if I was the OP I would be asking myself how it went from the "honeymoon phase" of 2 people that can't be separated from each other, to 2 people that don't love each other at all. I don't want to speak for him, or even think I could possibly understand his situation, but each and every relationship/marriage is a 2 way street.

If the little things, manipulative ways, etc., have been bugging you for some time, I would hope the OP has taken the time to sit down and talk to his wife about each and every issue he has with her. The same should be said about his wife and the OP.

There is no magical "lets sit back and ride the roller coaster" in a relationship. They take work and tons of sacrifice. In my case, I've found the most genuine woman I've ever met in my life. We don't agree on everything (that's for sure lol) but we both sacrifice to come to terms with our disagreements. I need a woman who gives me sh!t and keeps me inline on my madcap fantasies, and she needs someone that helps break her out of her shell at times. It works beautifully for us. But I can tell you, if we didn't talk to each other about every little single thing we have issues with, we'd probably have long parted ways. And that communication and honesty, besides her being an absolutely smoking hot woman, is just one of the best qualities I could ever ask for.

So I hope those men that are fed up with dating, thinking woman are trash or w/e, do come to terms and realize it's a 2 way street. You get exactly out of a relationship exactly what you put in it. I feel sorry for the OP and hope the divorce goes smoothly. Keep your chin up. Love has a way to find you even in the lowest points of your life.
Posted By: FishTaco

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/02/16 07:15 PM

Hi guys,

I appreciate everybody's views, I really do. As has been said, it usually takes a lot of things going bad to push somebody to this level, and I am indeed a very patient person, truly. There is also one key factor, I did not really want to mention it, but I will now, because the replies here have been very mature and constructive. So, here goes......

My wife is the youngest of four girls in her family, and the only one who got married. All of her sisters are career girls. So, after about a year of marriage, we talk about having a child. I knew that she wanted this, because her sisters have none. Now, this was where the problem came in. With my ex, my daughter came along instantly; it was like POW! and she was here.

So, I start trying with my wife, and you know, nothing is happening. We did all the timing things, etc, but nothing, Then she says to me "It must be you". Three years we tried, and nothing, and I will be honest, I was in a state of desperation, because all that was on my mind was "If I can't get this right, her family line will stop". So, I go to the doctor, tests, test, and all came back I was fine.

Then, she finally tells me that an ex beat her up when she was six months pregnant, and she lost the child.

Now, I may sound overly sensitive, but she could have damn well told me this a long time before. After that, I had no desire at all to have sex with her. Basically my equipment was not working. She complained and complained at me, and said "I should get over it". Things started to go downhill from there.

This had a very bad phycological effect on me, and my own self esteem.

So, I ask all the guys here, how would YOU feel if you had been through this? Would you forgive and forget? Sorry, I could not. Even my head shrink was in shock when I told her these details.

Opinions please?

Andrew.
Posted By: Master

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/02/16 07:40 PM

Wow, it really feels like just last year you were in here talking about getting married again. Odd how time flies.

At 50, do what you have to do to be happy and to take care of your children. There isnt enough hours in the day to give to people who dont deserve your time.

Good luck moving forwards and remember to check in every now and then with pictures of your great adventures!
Posted By: FishTaco

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/02/16 07:46 PM

Actually Master, I was going to go to the forum and drop in a pic of my daughter - the one in question.

Thanks,

Andrew.
Posted By: CyBerkut

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/02/16 08:18 PM

Originally Posted By: FishTaco
...

So, I ask all the guys here, how would YOU feel if you had been through this? Would you forgive and forget? Sorry, I could not. Even my head shrink was in shock when I told her these details.

Opinions please?

Andrew.


My 2 cents:

If she was truly repentant, acknowledging that she treated you very badly by acting that way, and asked for forgiveness... Yeah, I would say forgive, but not forget. Keep in mind, she has been victimized earlier, herself. That may be a factor in her poor decisions in dealing with you earlier.

However, from what you have described, that is not the attitude that she adopted. So no... it makes no sense to forgive the behavior you have described. Apparently she is not ready to be a truly functional half of a marriage.

The first step in first aid is to protect yourself. You can't be as effective in helping others if you get yourself injured. It is largely true in life, as well. Take care of yourself and be the father that your daughter deserves. I wish you the best with that.
Posted By: W-Molders

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/03/16 03:50 AM

Originally Posted By: mailman
Originally Posted By: W-Molders
in 95% of the cases were I see marriages work, its the man who basically says ' I live my life for myself and answer to nobody' (steve mcqueen quote) and if the woman sticks, she sticks.. most of the time she doesnt.


Interesting point of view W.

A number of guys I know are exactly as you say above (live for themselves) have ended up being divorced exactly because they did as they pleased. To be frank (or Dave), their exes are better off without them.

I think there is something about being married to a boy who never grew up that saps the life out of you. These guys haven't yet realised that part of the job of being a man is to actually stop being a boy and grow up and start being a man.

Mailman


western modern society says the man must live FOR the women basically.. it sucks.
Posted By: Jedi Master

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/05/16 03:40 PM

No, that is your interpretation of it. I'd say you have a rather insular exposure to marriages if "95%" are like you describe. I suppose you must live in a community of about 250 people somewhere in the middle of the country if so, or you just don't know that many people.

The idea that it's either all about you or all about her is entirely wrong. That's like saying people are either rabid alcoholics who get falling down drunk every single day, or they never drink anything, and those people who have one beer or glass of wine each night do not exist. Your idea that the solution is for the woman to live FOR the man sucks just as much. You're not superior because you're a man, you're not superior at all to anyone.

There are many, many examples of successful marriages where neither half is "in control", where it's not all about one of you but about both of you.
If you can't imagine that, that is your shortcoming, it's not the fault of "women", or society, or anything but your inability to have an equal partnership with someone of the opposite sex. Not getting your way 100% of the time is not living FOR her. Getting your way about half the time isn't either.
If you find the right person, it's quite simple to split who wins on this or that. It's not magic, and it's not impossible.


But hey, if you want to take the route of blaming everything else but your own lack of imagination, go right ahead. Just know that most people aren't buying it. I will say that 100% of the men I know that think like you are bitter old men, their claims of being happier alone ringing quite hollow. Not that any of what I say matters, because you already know it all.



The Jedi Master
Posted By: RSColonel_131st

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/05/16 03:55 PM

Thanks Jedi.

FishTaco, the thing you mentioned is a game changer. Here my next self-reflective question would be: How could a relationship, even more so a marriage, come into being where one side is holding back such details from the other? In my experience a woman with such a history (that is actually pretty much a traumatic experience) has all kind of subtle or even rather direct Red Flags about her.

So maybe get your Red Flag detector checked... is it possible you too were too eager to start something fresh without properly screening for the "right" attributes? Do you have a concrete concept of that attributes you need in a partner (not want... need, as in actually no relationship to happen without them).

That's the kind of ideas or lessons I would take from this. Just my two cents.
Posted By: FishTaco

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/06/16 11:07 AM

RSColonel_131st,

Indeed, you are correct, and from this perspective, it is 100% my fault.

I should have suspected really, she was always extremely reluctant to tell me very much about her own life, whereas I told her everything about mine.

Yes, my detector is out of whack, but I will most certainly be re-syncing myself before I even think of another woman.
Posted By: RSColonel_131st

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/06/16 01:41 PM

Best of luck with the resync and if you need anything you can always PM me. I've had plenty of harsh relationship or dating experiences, and as of this day I really fully understand what amazing insights these gave me into where my own faults lay to work on. From that perspective there is never a "bad" ending to a story - well, unless she cuts your balls off with a rusty nail file, that's a bit hard to fix :p
Posted By: FishTaco

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/06/16 03:13 PM

LOL...you're a hoot RSColonel......

Well, I am going to Bali with the pure intention of screwing the brains out of as many women as I possibly can....have no conscience any more, happy to make them all feel like sluts.

Then, I think my recovery will be complete :-)

Looking forward to seeing my daughter again in March smile

AJ.
Posted By: RSColonel_131st

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/06/16 05:01 PM

Quote:
...have no conscience any more, happy to make them all feel like sluts.


Why not go there with the intention to make as many women as possible feel great for a night? It comes out to the same for you... and yet makes a world of difference to them.

Karma will get you, 100%, every time. Not right now, maybe not next year, but it will get you.

Also, I really want you to understand one very important thing:

At eight years, your daughter has already the three most important years of initial emotional development behind her. But there is plenty left to form inside her soul, and the way she sees the world, especially the way she will live out her romantic relationships will be a total reflection of yourself and her mother. Not in exactly the same way, and neither in an exactly mirrored way, but it will play a huge part.

So, even if you have no intention of dating anymore, and no matter whatever joy you get out of the way you currently think about women (who are NOT your Ex-Wife) - what you do from today on shapes your daughters future happiness with HER partners. I think that's a really good reason to trough this pain very thoroughly, very cleanly, and come out the other side a better man.

You don't want her to be the one wielding the rusty nail file one day, do you?
Posted By: mailman

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/06/16 06:52 PM

Originally Posted By: W-Molders
Originally Posted By: mailman
Originally Posted By: W-Molders
in 95% of the cases were I see marriages work, its the man who basically says ' I live my life for myself and answer to nobody' (steve mcqueen quote) and if the woman sticks, she sticks.. most of the time she doesnt.


Interesting point of view W.

A number of guys I know are exactly as you say above (live for themselves) have ended up being divorced exactly because they did as they pleased. To be frank (or Dave), their exes are better off without them.

I think there is something about being married to a boy who never grew up that saps the life out of you. These guys haven't yet realised that part of the job of being a man is to actually stop being a boy and grow up and start being a man.

Mailman


western modern society says the man must live FOR the women basically.. it sucks.


No...marriage, like everything is a balance of give and take. Your view is all take, take, take because you expect the woman to be give, give, give.

Those of us that live in the real world (tm) realise that is a recipe for failure.

I could play golf all weekend and my wife wouldn't get in the way of me doing that BUT the reality is that would mean my wife would be solely responsible for child care for the entire weekend which actually wouldn't be fair on her or the kids.

Thats the thing about being an adult, the realisation that life is not all about you. This is what I was going on about. These guys that I know would get on the p1ss all weekend long plus most nights of the week, not take any responsibility for their kids and leave everything up to their wives to manage and then whinge because their exes aren't so flexible now they are no longer together etc.

That the point I was making. There comes a time in your life where its time to stop being a boy and start being a man.

Mailman
Posted By: Haggart

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/06/16 11:35 PM

Right now i've got food cooking on the stove so my wife will have food to eat when she gets home from work. She does the same for me at times except its for breakfast. I make medical appointments for her sometimes too and make sure her car is up on its maintenance.

That's the way marriage is supposed to work - you take care of each other.

Don't let a previous marriage discourage you from ever stopping to find someone to share your life with. You keep looking until you find someone right for you.
Posted By: FishTaco

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/07/16 03:09 AM

Actually, my last statement a joke guys.

In all honesty, I have never treated any woman like trash, because I always think : she's somebody's daughter.

And as mentioned, I would go postal if someone treated my daughter like that in ten years.
Posted By: FishTaco

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/07/16 12:05 PM

And on a much better note today......

In six weeks, I've lost 10.5 kilos in body weight. Started at the gym tonight, a little disappointing. Only managed 5klms on the bike, and only managed to bench 2x10 reps at 30 kilos each.

Haven't forgotten my fighting skills though, confident I could knock out the average dude with one punch.

Six more kilos to go, and perfect BMI for my age. Feeling great!
Posted By: MarkG

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/07/16 02:34 PM

^ This guy's posts make me want a fish taco! biggrin

That's great that you're hitting the gym and getting to your proper BMI. What you posted above about the women of Bali...

Consider that (depending on source), for every 30 to 35 lbs. (13.6 to 15.8 kilos) overweight, you lose 1" (2.54 cm) of rod. Not to mention weight lifting (building muscle) raises testosterone, plus all the stamina benefits of being fit. Motivating, eh?

I plan to have my t-levels checked when I turn 50 next year, sorta like the mid-life 120k mile tune-up and diagnostics for a car. smile
Posted By: FishTaco

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/07/16 02:54 PM

LMAO...

Mark, how can I not respond to THAT! LOL

As far as I know, my equipment has always been the same...lol...never had any complaints at all!

I was blessed (or cursed) with high T levels. I'm a hairy #%&*$#. I have to get my hair crew cut every month (1 and 2) so I doubt that I will need any T-tests in the near future :-)

And yes, I will take, and post photos of Bali, just hope none of the mods will take them down. Strange what you said though; I'm hitting 50 in January, but I feel 21 again, go figure.

Cheers,

AJ.
Posted By: MarkG

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/07/16 03:24 PM

Rock on, Fish! band

I wasn't implying anything, BTW. smile It's just that we gents approaching 50 have to stay diligent to keep going what we already have, hopefully for a long long time, right?

But if you do lose your hair one day, don't fret it. I believe it's actually caused by *higher* T (combined with some enzyme or something which is the main culprit). My brother (54 and also bald, but in better shape) had his t-levels checked recently for a surgery, way up there for his age. Knowing our father, I'm hoping T is partly hereditary. smile
Posted By: RSColonel_131st

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/07/16 03:25 PM

The problem with high T-Levels is that it also reduces hair... ask me how I know.

Edit: Ninjaed by Mark.
Posted By: FishTaco

Re: Another Divorce Looming - 12/07/16 03:49 PM

I love this community! LOL
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