Well I'm officialy a single man again!

Wow what a ride. Thanks a ton to everyone who gave thier inputs and words of support. It meant alot and showed that simhq is still a family. Everything went pretty uneventful regarding the splitting of assests and the good news is that I'm 65% sure I'm going to be able to keep my house. The bank just needs to bend a little bit...

As a final "I have no clue who my ex-wife is anymore" example, I signed the paperwork Monday at 9:00am. My wife who works at the courthouse filed it a 9:16am, walked it to the judge had him sign it, and with that I was officialy divorced at 10:37am. The language in the law in my state can be interpreted to have a 20 day cool off period before its final, but a judge has the right to waive it. Classy ex-wife I have to get him to wave it. Oh well.

20 years on the books with her closed. Time since she told me she wanted a separation: 2 months 3 weeks. Time since she told me she wanted a divorce: 1 month. Time it took her to finalize the divorce: just over an hour. No counseling, no working on it, no nothing.

As for me, I'm doing better with each passing day. Might even try this dating thing out again. ;-)

Thanks all!

-Outlaw

Divorce in about 2 months?

When i lived in Everett i had to wait 6 months until it was final.

Take your time, dont move to fast, even though you feel one way in time it will hit you again. Just my advice from someone who has been through it.

Had a similar thing happen after 15 years. I deployed, she packed, I came back to nothing. Trust me, it gets better. Much better.


As for keeping the house, and the things in it, just let it all burn. Have an open house, sell everything for what you can, then sell the property. Time will come that you'll see some little thing and spend the next 2 weeks drinking. :P


Do *not* get into a serious relationship for a while. Just bone anything and everything until you find the right girl. Then bone a few more just to make sure. If it isn't better, then go back.

Now, swear off marriage for the remainder of your life.

Wow. My ex was kind of like yours. It's like a switch flipped inside and there was no counseling, no second thoughts, nothing. Still amazes me to this day (she is lonely, broke,and miserable now, but I digress).

Now that you are offically single again, I'll offer some more advice for what it's worth. It's been three years since mine, and I started dating pretty soon after just becuase I could and it was fun. HOWEVER. Looking back, I was in no way, shape, or form ready for a relationship. I thought I was. In fact I knew I was, but the funny thing about a major upheaval like divorce is that it isn't until time has gone by that you realize the effect it has on a person. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you may think you are ready to get back into the game (and maybe you truly are), but go slow - for your sake and your future partner(s). There is a reason why the conventional wisdom is to wait a couple of years before you get into a serious relationship. I thought it was a bunch of BS, but turns out it is true. By all means date, but just go slow my friend. No "I love you", no "you're the one", none of that crap. Just don't go there. Give it a couple of years.

Also, you are going to be in for some tough times ahead. Memories can be hell and late at night when the demons come out can be a lonely time. Just know that a lot of us have been there and time does make it better - much better. Best of luck and thanks for the update.

Good to hear you are feeling better as time is passing! Hang in there!

Good to see you are on the mend. Best of luck to you!

Actually she's been very considerate to give you all that free time for Skyrim

Good luck Outlaw, glad to hear it went as smoothly as it did.

I wish you the best on your new life

Cheers

A lot of good advice on here, take it. We all bleed a little each time but we also get tougher, it gets better and hey you might even like being single again.

Good luck sir,

Must be hard after 20 years, but there is a wide world out there. Guys like me can learn alot from the experiences of guys like you.

Cheers

20 years, It would be hard to not to look into her life or follow it a bit... luckily, her being a cold B#@$ can help that. Don't lose your faith in people. But don't forget they change on a dime too... apparently. How do you not spit in her eye? You got class outlaw!

+1

Stay away from that courthouse, Outlaw!

WC

Just watch out for the....Honey i really miss you and sorry we got divorced. I want to get back together with you

Sure the sex was like you'll remember, but long term it will end the same.

Keep on keeping on Outlaw

Same thing here. I dated her right out of high school. I made a big mistake and slept with her best friend ended our 8 month long relationship. It was stupid and childish but.. well we were teenagers!

Anyway after all that went down I never could get her out of my mind. I'm not real religious but I actually used to pray to God that if she came back into my life I would not screw it up again.

Several years later she somehow managed to get my email address. We talked for a bit and she had moved two states away and married some guy who was borderline abusive to her. Over the next six months we emailed and talked over the phone and the only reason she stayed in her position was because she had a good career (or at least she claimed). Then she got laid off and had no reason to stay. I was tickled pink!

She moved back down here and moved by in with her parents. We dated for several months and then she moved in with me. Several years later we got married - in the spring of 2005. It was as far as I was concerned the perfect relationship. We got along great.. finished each others sentences.. never fought. I actually paid for her divorce from her ex.

Then Dec 22, 2008 I heard a noise when I was getting ready for work. I traced the noise to a box that was inside another box on top of my computer desk. I opened the second box and there was her cell phone vibrating. I opened her phone up and there was a text message which said "Good Morning Beautiful!" Since it was in my name and a 'shared' phone (although I rarely used it) I took it to work with me to investigate it. I texted the guy back explaining that this was my wife he was texting with but he never replied.

At work I tried calling her at home. I tried calling her at her work. No answer. That evening I got home and it was like the place had been robbed. A large portion of our stuff was gone. The dog was gone. The presents were gone from under the christmas tree - no note no nothing.


I had no warning or no idea whatsoever. I hadn't seen much of her the last two weekends but she claimed to be doing last minute christmas shopping with her friends and I had no reason to question that.

The next day I took the day off work and drove up to her to try to talk to her. Found her in the parking lot smoking a cigarette. I pulled up and started to walk towards her. I said "can we talk about this?" and I reached out to give her a hug. SHE SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER! Running away acting like I was trying to attack her. All of her co workers were on their phones and staring at me. I got in my car and left. I never saw or talked to her again.

Two weeks later I was served with a bogus restraining order with claims of abuse and what not (sound familiar?) I talked to a lawyer and he said that the restraining order was pretty much as good as legal separation in my state so I didn't worry about it. I figured when she's ready for divorce let her pay the legal fees on that BS. The good news is we never had any kids and didn't own any real property. We had actually filed bankruptcy the year before so we had no debt and no real possessions so what would she get from me?

Anyway I had heard over the last three years that she moved up to Wisconsin (again two states away!) to live with the douchebag she was texting with. Whatever the restraining order was closure enough for me. Those two weeks were rough but you don't go back from a bogus restraining order. No more crying to God about it anymore!

Then last week an old friend of mine happened across her facebook account and although everything is locked out her profile picture shows her in a wedding dress with douchebag in a tuxedo. Which is real funny because I never got served divorce papers!

So I figure that either she served me at a bogus address, served me by publication somehow, or Wisconsin has some law that after so long she's automatically considered divorce? I don't yet know but I do know that I have a lawyer looking into it and I plan on altering the divorce agreement - if one even exists to make her pay my legal fees. This is seriously F'ed up.

She got caught cheating on me and instead of dealing with me face to face about it she just ran. Didn't even have the nerve to serve divorce papers to me! That's some F'ed up stuff right there! And the ironic part is that it's not much different than what she did with her first husband! She never talked to him again either after leaving him!

Oh well.. I'm with a great woman now who respects me for who I am and is perfectly fine with us moving at a pace I'm comfortable with! I've been perfectly honest with her about everything and she makes really good money so she won't be driving me into bankruptcy like my ex did!

Who knows maybe this was her own messed up plan to get back at me for what happened when we were 18! If so she's got real serious mental issues going on! Funny thing is that I'm in a much better place in life because of it all and her bogus restraining order actually did me a huge favor! After she left I quit smoking, I lost weight, I earned some self respect and I'm a much better person for it all!

12 years ago I was in the same exact place as you Outlaw...

The first couple years were the most painful and at the same time, the Best years of my life.... Splitting up from my first wife was the best thing that could have ever happened to me....

I am now in a very happy place.

All my best Outlaw!

Hey someone else in the club and here I thought I was alone.. 8.5yrs...hard battle to get divorced long story like everyone else's but 2yrs to do it and $40k later...I'm in Washington State one of the worst states for men...but i got the kids and the house and I'm only out $150 maintenance for 4years...yeah!! It was a big relief when we finalized out of trial the night before..oi vey that was a hard lesson...never get married in Vegas ; )on the other side I'm happy to be single again have dated a few times...dating world bites especially online dating my two cents stay away for a bit...

Wow...

Nearing the 4 year Anniversary of everything that happened back then, and well, I just had to take a look at how "I was" ... and how far I've come.

So, for those who have lived through it, or are fighting through it, here is an update on me 4 years after losing the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with:

Things for the first year after the Divorce was final were hard. Very hard. When you have spent 20 years with someone and all of the sudden it is gone, the smallest of memories, and the thought of an unknown future, plays hard on you. The hurt at times is simply unbearable. But humans are strong and resilient creatures and somehow, someway, you push forward. You have to. There is no other way. "Get busy living, or get busy dying" was a saying I said to myself a ton (Thank you Shawshank).

I decided to just take some time for me for a good year and a half after the divorce. I was in no condition to get involved with anyone. Sure, I dated a few women about 8 months or so after the divorce... but the ex was always on my mind. Time is the great healer and there had not been enough.

Then she walked into my life. A drop dead gorgeous Red Head 2 years removed from a very bitter divorce, and along with her, 3 children (5, 7 and 9 years old). I don't have any kids of my own and I now love those kids as if they were my own. We've been together now for 2 years... and have even talked marriage. We were both able to lean on each other emotionally as we learned to love again... and I do love her completely.

As for my ex, we are still great friends. It took a good year and a half for me to warm up to a "friendship" with her, but I'm glad I have. She is now in a new relationship with another man... and honestly, I'm happy for her. Whatever the reason she decided to leave has now been put to bed with me. No person can control another person as each individual has a right to live their live how they choose. Sure, it hurt that she chose to finish her life without our marriage intact, but she had that right. It's her life. Her family and my family are still very close to both of us and I'm happy about that. She will always be a part of my life and I would rather see her happy than to not.

If there is one thing I could advise anyone on regarding going through something like I did, it would be to not bury your emotions. Let them out. The amount of pain one feels going through it can destroy someone and if you don't let it out you will never heal properly.

It's amazing how life can turn on you in an instant. It's amazing that the human spirit no matter how shattered, or beat down, can still find a way to move forward, teach you about yourself, and make you grow.

And it's an amazing feeling when life puts happiness in front of you again.

And it has.

Best to you all,

-Outlaw

I have zero interest in getting married. For every good story there's 20 horrible ones

Hang in there Outlaw!

Thanks for the update Outlaw. I hope this new relationship works out for you!

Marriage is a marathon.

While trying to run with an arrow in a knee.

I would hope you wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

Wow, great to hear!

Where did you meet her?

Did you get to keep the house and the Harley?

Disagree about "the same mistakd twice". No two persons are alike.

nice to read the follow up Outlaw, wishing you all the best with the new misses

Thanks RS!

We were introduced through a mutual friend. I knew nothing about her. We texted for roughly 2 months and decided to meet-up. I walked in the room, and both our lives changed that very instant. We both "just knew"...

Happily I was able to keep the House and Harley and even added a Classic Mustang to the garage. I have since sold the Harley and rent the house out as the new girlfriends house is bigger. ;-)

We both are "gun shy" about marriage... but we both know we are perfect for each other. She wears a ring on her wedding finger and teases me that we need to make it official.

Great news! Thanks for the follow up.

I'm on one year now after my divorce, in the dating arena. I've met a girl and she's good to me. But yikes that first year is hard...

Outlaw,

Thanks for the update, and best wishes to you!

Good to hear Outlaw, happy to hear that you are enjoying your new found life.

After a bad separation in 93/94 and divorce in 2001 I met a nice young (ok relative to me!) lady in 2005 and 8 months ago we got married to each other, while we are different and come from very different backgrounds religion and countries we share the same outlook on life.

Like you and your girlfriend we were both hesitant about tying the knot again but said we would get married after 10 years, financially this was the right point to do it and it protects us both as we come under two different law systems Scotland/UK and Belgium.

My wife's children have taken me in and made me part of the family, I know I was very apprehensive about meeting them at first and from what had been said about how the eldest one was I was really not looking forward to it at all. He had bought a house as an investment and as a refuge to get his mother away from his father, it needed a bit of renovation that my future wife said she would do in place of payment of rent. I was helping remove the vinyl tiles from the kitchen floor and chiselling away the cement under them to reveal the old clay fired tiles when he came in, I just said Hi and carried on hammering away at the floor, he made no comment, but the next time we met he was friendly and we got on great.

When we got married the whole clan came over and the eldest lad gave his mum away.

I'm the one in the skirt...


The family

Wow, this thread was a bit of a blowout. I was like what..this is some freaky dejavu deal and then i looked at the dates Nice to hear Outlaw, my 14 odd year relationship+marriage, kids, house took a good year and a half to get over..and i was silly and rushed into a relationship after that a bit too early which ended up causing extra uneeded grief. Lifes fun huh The kids are my main deal though, everything else goes out the window.

Good luck bruv !

20 years?

Dating game is much different now than then.

These young women are (most of them) more manipulative, more sexually promiscuous (so many of them don't think twice about taking naked and semi naked selfies and sharing those photos with the world, no self respect).

They also don't know the meaning of commitment and discretion.

Whatever you and her do will end up on their social network pages.

I have been married 10 1/2 years and if you told me I have to start dating again tomorrow, I wouldn't even know where to begin or how to do it.

I would sell the house.

You don't want to stay in the place by yourself where you had good and bad memories.

The bad memories will eat you up if you let it.

Like CG2015, I would be totally lost where to start looking again.

My marriage was never perfect and we both agree that we married too young at 20. We're fine with never having dated other people (except the one date she had during our cooling off), but we should have waited at least until she finished college before marrying and settling down.

After the honeymoon phase we fought pretty badly throughout our 20s (never physically, except that one time I took her by the belt loops and moved her over like she was the vacuum cleaner blocking the entrance to my man cave - never do this), we chilled in our 30s but grew further apart, and didn't feel good in general. It could have easily ended then (and almost did once – wasn't infidelity though).

Our 40s (2008) started with a couple of health scares which woke us from a stupor, forced us to re-evaluate who we were and where we were going (did we really have a future together?) while starting to improve our physical health. Her mom's sickness and death also gave made us closer I think, I did my best to see her through it and to help with her mom where I could. She's now returning the favor (possibly closer to my parents than I am) although they're not sick. The hard times help you see the heart of the other person I think, makes you appreciate them more.

I think as you age you change (espically if you started off young) and you can grow apart, it's a matter of the new you falling back in love with the new her, and vice versa. That's what happened to me I think, you might not have even known I was married until 2009 but since then, I can't seem to shut up about it. I'm hoping our 50s will be even smoother sailing.

Oh, and congrats Outlaw on the new love and best of luck! I think it's nice waking up every morning with the same woman sleeping on your chest.

My apologies to the OP.

I just now noticed this thread was started almost 4 years ago.

It's ok CG. I've fallen for the same thing as well. Old threads get resurrected all the time on SimHQ.

Females have always been promiscuous. It's biological. There have been controls on them, so they would sneak around of course so they wouldn't be called sluts and things like this.

It's a neurotic male construct that females don't like sex, it's a very false idea. The feminist movement has also battled it out here- some feminists argue that women should have greater parity and expression in what they want, others are on the more bitter man hating spectrum and are trying to turn women away from it, in that regard they sound like some men who think promiscuous girls are bad or something (so that they don't explore their natural urges with males).

+1 Mechanus

Sometimes I think CG was born in the wrong century.

I've had "man talk" discussions with nephews and the younger generation, I think I grew up exactly when I was suppose to. Probably every generation feels this way though.

congrats bud

Glad to hear you are doing good Outlaw. If it works, then go with it, no need to be gun shy. Live life and enjoy it, there will be ups and downs.....we all know that, some are scared to think of the downs.

That's just it- this is where males screw up, they're 'out looking.' It's the other way around, the females come to you. The guys who are most appealing are the guys who don't look as though they are out looking, they are out living their lives, and that's suddenly when 'magically' girls start taking notice and do more the approaching.

Dating is phenomenally easier than long term relationships, but the problems happen when we don't treat dating as fun and light in and of itself, we treat it as a serious matter to find that one person, then it becomes much harder. All the pressure is on. That's when males start their approval seeking routines, they don't really behave as they really are. They'll act nicer to girls they think are more attractive or that they want, more dismissive of women they don't like, and women notice this stuff, and they can tell when the guys are trying too hard but not acting naturally.

The mentality to have in dating is that you have to be willing to lose the girl in order to win her, that means the stuff that seems counter-intuitive is what women are more attracted to- the guys don't act nicer than they really they are, and they give off a different vibe- a lover than that of a friend who is trying to get her approval, and that's difficult for lots of guys, their only routine is to be nice and make themselves available.

Here's an example- a guy makes plans with friends, and then a girl he likes makes contact with him and invites him to go somewhere. Like a lot of guys, he may change his plans to go with the girl- this is not what guys should do, again, it's approval seeking behavior and it makes the guy look too available. The thing to do in this situation is to either decline and ask for a date at another time, or invite the girl to come along with- no pressure, she can take it or leave it. But to modify behavior gives off signals to women that the guy is easy, likewise, the female threshold is rather low and a girl comes off more desperate and easy if she's always available and agreeable to what the guy says. You know this intuitively that if someone is always available and agrees with everything you say comes off a bit creepy. Something wrong there, you have to not do that.

The way the dynamics look like is game of push and pull- push the girl to get her interest up, take two steps forward, then she'll start putting her guard up as she realizes you are communicating interest. Then take a step back, this leaves her feeling as though she's putting her guard up for no reason, and you're safe and comfortable. She'll drop her guard, and then when she reaches out to you to find out what happened to you, do it again- two steps forward to get her interests up, then pull back a little. Keep doing it, and keep dating many other women regardless of your level of interest in any of them- that makes your life busy and involved and makes you more appealing and comfortable with dating and more women will come into your path. It also makes you more comfortable around all types of women and you get a sense of what female behavior is really trying to do so you pass their tests and remain immune to their games designed to weed out guys who don't know what they're doing (or may be dangerous). Easy. But guys find that difficult to do- they only date and pursue the few girls they think they have lots of interest in, and that vibe comes off much differently. It's a 'scarce mentality'- the one or two girls are likely the only ones he meets, or he doesn't meet many girls too often, so he tends to pursue harder, and it shows.

I'm not retracting what I posted earlier, but I probably made it sound worse than it was (after all, we are still married). Neither of us regret getting married, just the timing and some of the circumstances (making a move without her within the first year, then her job requiring lots of traveling). It took a while to feel cozy and settled (without children and years in apartments/town homes).

Most of our issues were my fault, I'm man enough to admit that. We knew we were different personalities and hey, even my parents warned her before the wedding to be sure it's what she wanted (thanks mom).

The biggest problem is that we eventually became *too* comfortable which led to an unhealthy lifestyle, followed by a marital disconnect and always feeling stuck in a rut...you know the rest. We're working on it, I think we'll go the distance.

Well, in a relationship, keep dating one another is essential. That's again where things tend to change- in the beginning courtship phase the adrenaline is up, these strong feelings are taking over designed to bond people.

This doesn't last- after a few years together, the intensity of these feelings drop off, and real life problems and situations introduce their barriers. People do get comfortable- perhaps too comfortable and they no longer are really behaving the way they behaved when they first met. They are not trying to attract each other any more, it's more taken for granted. The movies never show this happening of course, the end of the film comes when the two finally meet, it's a match, and it ends picture perfect without showing what will come later on.

A friend of mine who is a woman says that she and her husband make sure to spend some time apart pursuing their own interests and be with their friends, and then make an effort to date one another still. This keeps a relationship fresh and feeling more like it did in the beginning. They also don't share a bathroom together and get too familiar and too close with a lot of their routines, so they don't fall into that roommate feeling with one another. It all makes perfect sense to me.

But as far as dating goes, the way attraction works is the same, it's biological, people don't have a choice in the matter. Women don't have a choice not to want to be with who they want to be with. Attraction isn't a choice, so it's not anything that someone can do to change someone's mind by going out of their way for them or trying to seek their approval.