I don't always give my money to Charity. But when I do, she's giving me a lap dance...
Me: My life hasn't been the same since the accident.
Friend: What accident?
Me: The one where I got my finger stuck in the wedding ring.
My friend Jack can communicate with his vegetable garden. Jack and beans talk.
When I was younger, I thought I was going to set the world on fire.
So what happened?
I burned my bridges!
I didn't sleep well last night, so this morning I substituted Red Bull for water when I made my coffee.
I was halfway to work when I realized I had forgotten my car.
I was raised to think before I act.
Therefore, if I smack the crap out of you, rest assured that I have given it considerable thought and am confident in my decision.
A guy makes fun of his bald friend by rubbing his head and saying, "Wow, your head is as smooth as my wife's bottom."
The friend also rubs his head and says, "Wow - you're right."