#4526954 - 06/23/20 01:56 PM
The electric fence and the lawnmower..
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,619
KRT_Bong
It's KRT not Kurt
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It's KRT not Kurt
Senior Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,619
Sarasota, Florida
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We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard, and last Saturday, when I heard some thieving Punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting my Kimber 9mm, so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 12.5 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to a piece of round rod, and sunk the ground rod 7.5 feet into the limestone..The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in June, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story, and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard. So yesterday I'm mowing the yard with my 5 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in “for me”....How very thoughtful of her.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time.......stood........still..........
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and #%&*$# lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just #%&*$# your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a HEMI turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences ... but Grandpa always had those piece of #%&*$# chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'#%&*$#!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of June , 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own front yard , begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still average size yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
Yesterday changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.
Windows 10 Pro Gigabyte 970A DS3P FX AMD FX6300 Vishera 3.5 Ghz ASUS STRIX GeForce GTX 970 Overclocked 4 GB DDR5 16Gb Patriot Viper 3 RAM DDR3 1866Mhz Onikuma Gaming Headset (has annoying blue lights I don't use)
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#4527285 - 06/25/20 01:16 AM
Re: The electric fence and the lawnmower..
[Re: KRT_Bong]
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 17,301
Nixer
Scaliwag and Survivor
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Scaliwag and Survivor
Veteran
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 17,301
Living with the Trees
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It may possibly explain his enhanced ability to find fireflys, not sure though. As long as he doesn't dream about unicorns he should be ok.
Censored
Look for me on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook or Tic Toc...or anywhere you may frequent, besides SimHq, on the Global Scam Net. Aka, the internet. I am not there, never have been or ever will be, but the fruitless search may be more gratifying then the "content" you might otherwise be exposed to.
"There's a sucker born every minute." Phineas Taylor Barnum
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#4527293 - 06/25/20 02:05 AM
Re: The electric fence and the lawnmower..
[Re: KRT_Bong]
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 10,845
JimK
Veteran
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Veteran
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 10,845
Spokane,WA
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To funny, my only experience with an electric fence was when I was real young on visit out to SD farm. Mothers Aunt and Uncle. This around 1972. My cousins were daring us to pee on the wire, we knew better but latter that afternoon we were back at it and it only takes a long green piece of grass to make contact. Sure I fell for it. You won`t ever forget for sure. Most Cows to.
Erebus Full Tower:Windows 7 Ult 64bit:Intel� Core� i7 3930K Processor(6x 3.20GHz)32GB[4 GB X8] DDR3-1866:GPU NVIDIA GeForce GTX Titan 6GB:1.5Kw PSU: 43" Sceptre 4k: LG Blu-ray burner,: hd1/750GB,hd2/2TB,hd3/1TB,hd4/1TB,HD5/4TB Youtube videosFlickr Photos
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#4527311 - 06/25/20 08:52 AM
Re: The electric fence and the lawnmower..
[Re: KRT_Bong]
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 2,763
BD-123
Old Scroat
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Old Scroat
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 2,763
Naunton Beauchamp Worcestershi...
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I shouldn't laugh at your account Mr. Bong....but I did. Am I a bad person? You are now at one with the soul and spirit of lawnmowers it seems...you should be able to tell what ails such a machine just by the laying on of hands and listening to it. Like the Russian tank driver in the 'White Tiger' film.
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#4527895 - 06/29/20 02:20 PM
Re: The electric fence and the lawnmower..
[Re: BD-123]
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,619
KRT_Bong
It's KRT not Kurt
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It's KRT not Kurt
Senior Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,619
Sarasota, Florida
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I shouldn't laugh at your account Mr. Bong....but I did. Am I a bad person? You are now at one with the soul and spirit of lawnmowers it seems...you should be able to tell what ails such a machine just by the laying on of hands and listening to it. Like the Russian tank driver in the 'White Tiger' film.
Someone shared this with me, not my personal experience Thank God
Windows 10 Pro Gigabyte 970A DS3P FX AMD FX6300 Vishera 3.5 Ghz ASUS STRIX GeForce GTX 970 Overclocked 4 GB DDR5 16Gb Patriot Viper 3 RAM DDR3 1866Mhz Onikuma Gaming Headset (has annoying blue lights I don't use)
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#4527927 - 06/29/20 06:23 PM
Re: The electric fence and the lawnmower..
[Re: KRT_Bong]
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 10,113
KraziKanuK
Veteran
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Veteran
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 10,113
Ottawa Canada
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I shouldn't laugh at your account Mr. Bong....but I did. Am I a bad person? You are now at one with the soul and spirit of lawnmowers it seems...you should be able to tell what ails such a machine just by the laying on of hands and listening to it. Like the Russian tank driver in the 'White Tiger' film.
Someone shared this with me, not my personal experience Thank God We ALL believe you.
There was only 16 squadrons of RAF fighters that used 100 octane during the BoB. The Fw190A could not fly with the outer cannon removed. There was no Fw190A-8s flying with the JGs in 1945.
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#4527987 - 06/30/20 06:23 AM
Re: The electric fence and the lawnmower..
[Re: KRT_Bong]
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 11,075
semmern
Veteran
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Veteran
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 11,075
Oslo, Norway
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Someone shared this with me, not my personal experience Thank God
Suuuuuuuuuuuure!
In all my years I've never seen the like. It has to be more than a hundred sea miles and he brings us up on his tail. That's seamanship, Mr. Pullings. My God, that's seamanship!
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Exodus
by RedOneAlpha. 04/18/24 05:46 PM
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