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#4330607 - 01/23/17 12:57 PM Question for the married fellas..  
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Hack157th Offline
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Not much for posting personal stuff on forums, but I've seen some genuinely good advice from you guys on here so thought I would post a question..

How common is it for married couples ( or couples living together for that matter ) to have separate bedrooms?

Little back story.. I am a 43 year old divorced (10 years ) father of three.. Been dating a pretty amazing girl for about 4 years, living together about 2. She has one son, and all kids live with us 50% + of the time. Recently she changed shifts at her job from working nights, to days and we now have the same work schedules, except her shift rotates days, and mine are set.. She is a light sleeper, and I snore....

Sleeping arrangements have rapidly become a problem.. We have no empty rooms in our house, so since Im the noise maker, I have started sleeping in the outer room of our bedroom. Moving forward on doctor trips to see about fixing the main issue, but in the mean time Im camping out in the other room..

Not going to lie.. Im feeling a little put out, and feel kind of #%&*$# about the whole thing, but I totally get it at the same time.. She has offered to sleep in the other room, but I wouldn't feel right since Im the one sawing logs..

So, back to the original question.. Is it common for couples these days to have separate sleeping areas? Should I not be letting this bother me? What if this turns permanent? For any of you shackin up in separate rooms, has it helped or hurt your relationship?

Thanks for any input..

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#4330609 - 01/23/17 01:03 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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- Ice Offline
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One of my buddies in high school had rather odd sleeping arrangements in his family. One of the bedrooms had two single beds and his mom and sister would sleep there. He had his own room and his dad had the third room. Never really brought it up why that was the case; my own family had both my parents sleeping in the same bed.

When I first started snoring, my wife would complain but she's gotten used to it now and she also snores sometimes as well, but not as much as I do. Luckily, I'm a deep sleeper so it doesn't bother me.

Good luck with the doctor's appointments and hopefully, there's a solution! In the meantime, what about earbuds?


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#4330610 - 01/23/17 01:04 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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whilst not married meself, i know of at least 2 couples who sleep in different bedrooms and it doesnt seem to have effected them at all, at least in public (both have been married 15+ yrs) smile


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#4330611 - 01/23/17 01:06 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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PanzerMeyer Online centaurian
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I'm getting serious flashbacks of "I Love Lucy". lol


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#4330618 - 01/23/17 01:33 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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Hack157th Offline
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Ice - She wears earplugs all the time for sleeping. Even if Im not there. Mostly since she has worked nights the last five years though.

PM- I know.. Thats what Im trying to avoid.. :-)

#4330650 - 01/23/17 03:41 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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I have been very happily married to my best friend for 39 years. We have had separate rooms for a number of years. We both snore and like different room temperatures. If you are both happy it does not matter.


As to I love Lucy .....all TV couple in the 50s and early 60s had separate rooms ...the Stork brought the babie back then biggrin


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#4330651 - 01/23/17 03:45 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: No105_Archie]  
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PanzerMeyer Online centaurian
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Originally Posted By: No105_Archie


As to I love Lucy .....all TV couple in the 50s and early 60s had separate rooms ...the Stork brought the babie back then biggrin


Well to be accurate, Lucy and Ricky had the same bedroom. They just had separate beds. biggrin


“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
#4330665 - 01/23/17 04:18 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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My in-laws sleep in separate rooms because of that. It's the only way they know not to blame each other. Otherwise, their own snoring will wake them up and then they'll smack the other one and say "stop snoring!" when that one was sound asleep and NOT snoring.



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#4330668 - 01/23/17 04:21 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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PanzerMeyer Online centaurian
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Meh, married couples over 60 or so don't have sex anyway so separate bedrooms is no big deal.


“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
#4330675 - 01/23/17 04:28 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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JimK Offline
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Have been married 23 years now. Last 10 we have slept in separate bedrooms.
Don`t know who snores louder, Her or me. Son sleeps in the room between. He
is just as bad. When he was little, he complain to mom, that damn bear kept
me up all night again. Looking straight at me.

When we travel together it no different. Separate beds, wife has had 9 knee
surgeries and gets involuntary muscle spasms from it. Lost a few years sleep
from that till went to separate beds. We knock ourselves out to sleep in the
same room together.


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#4330677 - 01/23/17 04:32 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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BlueHeron Offline
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Gotta do what you gotta do. Not getting a regular good night's sleep can have a terrible effect on a person's life, and thus, their relationship/marriage.

#4330688 - 01/23/17 05:01 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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Chucky Offline
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This was a problem for me and my ex-wife.She liked the electric blanket on and the windows shut at night.I like getting into a cold bed and the windows open,even in winter.

She also liked to have her cats on and in the bed.There were many occasions where I got a hand full of the wrong kind of pussy.

In the end we had to compromise. A dual electric blanket,windows closed on really cold nights and the cats not allowed in the bedroom. They were not happy about that and I think neither was my wife but as they disturbed my sleep it was either that or I was going to sleep in the spare room.

The only times the spare room came in handy was when there had been a big row or one of us was ill. Oh yeah,and that time I was diagnosed with 'restless legs'. I went to the doctor and said I couldn't keep my legs still and when she said I had restless leg syndrome I thought she was joking. It drove my poor wife nuts.

Last edited by Chucky; 01/23/17 05:04 PM.

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#4330690 - 01/23/17 05:01 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: PanzerMeyer]  
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Originally Posted By: PanzerMeyer
Meh, married couples over 60 or so don't have sex anyway so separate bedrooms is no big deal.
Wash your mouth out PM neaner

We sometimes sleep in separate rooms, but not often, and is due to me having problems with my stomach. Last night when my tummy was bothering me I volunteered to go sleep in the spare room so as not to disturb my wife but she said she would just follow me there and still sleep beside me.

She can sleep through a storm and does like the TV on when going to sleep, while I cannot stand it at all, lucky our sleep patterns are different in that I need much less sleep than she does, so I can watch tv programs I have recorded during the day and she will fall asleep while I am watching to the end. So, if she is restless or wakes up early then she goes off downstairs and turns on the TV then falls asleep on the couch.


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#4330706 - 01/23/17 05:35 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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Hack157th Offline
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Thanks for all the input guys. Guess I just don't want this to be the first step to being " Room mates" instead of a couple if that makes sense..

#4330710 - 01/23/17 05:42 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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yep, I know a few couples who have to sleep in different beds because of the snoring, both seem very happy because it works for both of them.

Both my brothers are brutal snorers and having to room w/them when our Dad passed was unbearable. I would have to be in another room if I was married to either one of them too.


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#4330716 - 01/23/17 05:56 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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I've been with the same woman for 16 years, and we don't even live in the same house smile

We get together a few times a week, and if one of us is snoring or whatever, he/she goes to the guest room. No big deal, and we get along just fine and are still plenty romantic.


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#4330737 - 01/23/17 06:49 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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This post has been very eye opening.

My wife (16 years) can saw logs all night with her snoring, and she tells me I do the same. There have been very few times when one of us would get up in the middle of the night to sleep in another room. When I do it, it seems my wife's feelings are hurt in the morning, or in the middle of the night when she comes to check on me in the other room.

We have a full sized bed that my feet hang off of the end (I'm 6'2). Our bedroom is 12x12 so the full sized bed doesn't take up the whole room. She has to have the heat up in the winter, and still likes to throw her leg over me while we sleep. I wake up sweating a lot. In the summer if the temps go below 60F she wants the windows closed. I love waking up to cool temps, plus I like hearing the night time nature sounds and leaves in the breeze.

On my last two military deployments I lived in a trailer room with one room mate, and we worked opposite 12 hour shifts so I rarely saw him in the room. With the AC running 24 hours a day, even in the winter when it would get in the 30Fs over night, I had the best months of sleep in my life...lol. Cool room and constant white noise from the old AC unit blowing all night.

So, I've had thoughts of sleeping in a different room, or at least getting a queen sized bed so we can have some separation. I absolutely love my wife to death, and body contact is still great, but sometimes physical separation while trying to sleep is nice...lol. Glad I'm not alone in this thinking.


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#4330742 - 01/23/17 06:56 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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20 years here and I've snored pretty bad for the last 5 at least. Since turning 40 or so. I'm VERY lucky my wife is a sound sleeper and it doesn't bother her. She can drop off to sleep in minutes too. Sometimes if I do wake her up she'll have me turn over and that helps, at least long enough for her to get to sleep. I'd still like to talk to a doctor about having that soft palette surgery just because it bothers ME. It isn't comfortable waking up like that and also just feels odd. Plus, I won't travel and stay with other people.

Anyway, if I get restless (I get the leg thing for a few days every now and then) or just can't sleep I'll go in the other room if I can't be quiet or need light. That's not a regular thing though. Couches and recliners are ok for naps, but if it isn't a bed, you just aren't going to sleep well, ruining your day and I never get in enough as it is.

It's not your fault you snore. It can be weight related, hydration or just age as bodies change. It happens. It's not like you're up late and making noise keeping her up. I'd say either
a)you split the time sleeping elsewhere, taking turns and sharing in the lack of good sleep or
b)get a place where you can have your own man cave/office and include something you can sleep well on.

Going out to the living room couch isn't good enough. If this is as regular as you say, you need to do it up right. Maybe make it a room the two of you enjoy hanging out in for tv/movies etc and then she can go off to bed with the cat. Turn it into a positive, a place you both want to spend time in every night, not your cell to go off to or a couch you're sentenced to as if you've done anything wrong. You haven't done anything wrong. Even if it's weight related. People age, change and go through things.
I think most couples that last into old age end up in separate rooms for various reasons. I'm not interested in rushing into that before it's absolutely necessary. Sharing the bed is one of the joys of marriage IMO, and it isn't just about sex. Even with our kids I never went for having kids sleep with us in the bed although I know a lot of families do. The "marital bed" is a special place and a good marriage is just as deserving as having kids for having a preserved space. It isn't selfish. I don't think you should give it up lightly, HOWEVER, every couple needs to figure out their lives to make it work for them. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.


Another thought:
Maybe she needs to just get used to it. Has a real attempt been made? When we got married I got my wife a cat. I'm *HIGHLY* allergic to them, as in 5 out of 5 when I got an allergy test. I knew it meant a lot to her, so I put up with it, lived with it, learned ways to deal with it (me, the environment and the cat). I'm still allergic, but I've worked dealing with it into life and gotten used to it enough that just being in the house with them (2 now) isn't an issue. I would expect the same consideration if the snoring became an issue. My fix might start with getting rid of cats. wink


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#4330749 - 01/23/17 07:27 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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Azshal Offline
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Originally Posted By: Hack157th
She is a light sleeper, and I snore....


Why do you snore?

Sounds like you are going to the doctor to see about this? Sleep apnea?

If you get help with this issue, and the snoring part goes away, do you sleep relatively soundly? If you do, then even her being a light sleeper shouldn't be worrying. If you toss and flail, that is a different matter.

My wife sleeps relatively light, but since I have been using a breathing machine at night for the last 8 years, it is only an issue if I don't want to wear it. She steals the covers and kicks and plays with the covers. I sleep heavy and still.

#4330761 - 01/23/17 08:07 PM Re: Question for the married fellas.. [Re: Hack157th]  
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Hack157th Offline
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RK - You kind of hit how I've been feeling about it at times.. Like I've been banished for something I cant currently control.. To her credit, she put up with it for a couple years, but due to opposite work schedules, its been two nights at most in a row.. Now that we have the same schedule, its been every night, and its just gotten to be too much for her. Her immediate response was to go in the other room herself, but like I said, that didn't sit well with me either.. So its not that she is making me, but can still feel like that at times when its time to "go to bed"..

My main concern is a loss of intimacy, and potential for distance between us, and what you've said about a marital bed is exactly how I feel. To her I think it is more about just getting some sleep, but to me its much more than that. Also, her parents have separate rooms, and mine share the same room still at age 70. So I think to her its a completely normal arrangement. To me I feel like I/We are losing something.

Azshal - Not sure why I snore. Could be weight 5'10", 190lbs, and I don't think I move around too much. I'm hoping to get a resolution and can go back to business as usual, but we'll see. First doctor appointment is in a couple of weeks though, and Im sure it is going to be a lengthy process, but don't know.

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