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#4316056 - 11/29/16 03:33 AM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: Robbster]  
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Originally Posted By: Robbster
Many of my friends who got divorced/separated, found motivation to eat better and get back to shape again. They are night and day healthier now. They have a new lease on life.


Women are notorious for this... they fatten up while together (unless rich trophy wife) cut their hair.. ect then when the man has luckily had enough, the woman gets 'in heat' and starts dropping pounds.. doing stuff with her hair again ect..


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#4316115 - 11/29/16 12:57 PM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: FishTaco]  
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For my update, see the health thread.....

Anyway, continuing on, no animosity at all from me. Tonight I separated some of the bills, so now she may have some idea of the true cost of living. She nearly fell off the sofa when I told her how much it was going to cost her to replace the brakes on her SUV.

At this moment, I can't even remember the last time that I had this much peace of mind. Got my plans together for how I'd like my life to go. Not so sure about her; she's tied to her phone muttering away in Thai. Personally, if I didn't have my little girl, I might consider army again.

But I really dropped in here to say a big thanks to everybody. Whilst breakups can have negative affects, for me it has been all positive. So much more too it, but it's too personal to post on a forum :-)

Thanks guys,

Andrew.


Kindest regards,

AJ

"If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete." - The Art of War - Sun Tzu
#4316659 - 12/01/16 10:36 AM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: W-Molders]  
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Originally Posted By: W-Molders
in 95% of the cases were I see marriages work, its the man who basically says ' I live my life for myself and answer to nobody' (steve mcqueen quote) and if the woman sticks, she sticks.. most of the time she doesnt.


Interesting point of view W.

A number of guys I know are exactly as you say above (live for themselves) have ended up being divorced exactly because they did as they pleased. To be frank (or Dave), their exes are better off without them.

I think there is something about being married to a boy who never grew up that saps the life out of you. These guys haven't yet realised that part of the job of being a man is to actually stop being a boy and grow up and start being a man.

Mailman

Last edited by mailman; 12/01/16 02:34 PM.
#4316856 - 12/01/16 09:22 PM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: RSColonel_131st]  
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Originally Posted By: RSColonel_131st
Quote:
I need that something special to look forward to throughout the week, the Friday date night.


You are a wise man!

While this forum knows a lot about me there's something I haven't put here yet: I increasingly spend a lot of time counseling people at a flirt/date/relationship site (as a private, standard forum member), and I recently started my training as a certified social-psychological advisor/counselor (basically the small brother of the Psychotherapist qualification as far as Austrian law stands.) I'm going to work mostly with guys on enhancing their personality and finding their identity, because that is what really kept me busy the past ten years in my own life and personal growth.

While I definitely feel for Andrew, I have to say: There's no denying in my experience that we attract the kind of people we get with into our life for a reason. And while it's convenient to say it's all the woman's fault (and sometimes it is, yes) frequently enough two people play out a game, often not unlike their relationship with their parents, a game that needs both players to work. You can't be manipulated if you don't let yourself be manipulated. Women don't have secret black magic powers to make us guys the victims.

Andrew, I wish you all the best, and would ask you to consider seeing that "Head Shrink" a few more times. There got to be things bottled up in you that made you stick in a bad relationship for too long, and while it's tempting to say you're now done with women, that thing can come back and bite you in other ways. I know that most guys don't like counseling/therapy because it's considered unmanly and "weak" but at 50 your love-life is far from over. And you will program your daughter with the same traits if you don't clean up your own hidden troubles.

Werner, you sound bitter. That can be understandable depending on past experiences, but no, there are far more than 5% women on this planet worth being with. Yet again, like attracts like, and until we as guys clean our own place we don't find a mate living to the same high standard.

Mark, what you wrote about "A date each week, forever" is exactly what I wrote in that other forum today to a young guy in his early tweens. Count yourself fortunate, not just because of your wife, but also because you both seem to understand yourself well and thus can live out a marriage that is what it can be.


This X 1000000!!

There's tons of awesome women out there. There's tons of damaged ones as well. Same goes for men. But at the end of the day, if you aren't communicating..., genuinely talking about even the littlest bit of things that ails you about your partner or vice versa, there is going to be a massive build up that comes to a halt sooner or later.

I don't know the OP's situation at all, but if I was the OP I would be asking myself how it went from the "honeymoon phase" of 2 people that can't be separated from each other, to 2 people that don't love each other at all. I don't want to speak for him, or even think I could possibly understand his situation, but each and every relationship/marriage is a 2 way street.

If the little things, manipulative ways, etc., have been bugging you for some time, I would hope the OP has taken the time to sit down and talk to his wife about each and every issue he has with her. The same should be said about his wife and the OP.

There is no magical "lets sit back and ride the roller coaster" in a relationship. They take work and tons of sacrifice. In my case, I've found the most genuine woman I've ever met in my life. We don't agree on everything (that's for sure lol) but we both sacrifice to come to terms with our disagreements. I need a woman who gives me sh!t and keeps me inline on my madcap fantasies, and she needs someone that helps break her out of her shell at times. It works beautifully for us. But I can tell you, if we didn't talk to each other about every little single thing we have issues with, we'd probably have long parted ways. And that communication and honesty, besides her being an absolutely smoking hot woman, is just one of the best qualities I could ever ask for.

So I hope those men that are fed up with dating, thinking woman are trash or w/e, do come to terms and realize it's a 2 way street. You get exactly out of a relationship exactly what you put in it. I feel sorry for the OP and hope the divorce goes smoothly. Keep your chin up. Love has a way to find you even in the lowest points of your life.

#4317073 - 12/02/16 07:15 PM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: FishTaco]  
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Hi guys,

I appreciate everybody's views, I really do. As has been said, it usually takes a lot of things going bad to push somebody to this level, and I am indeed a very patient person, truly. There is also one key factor, I did not really want to mention it, but I will now, because the replies here have been very mature and constructive. So, here goes......

My wife is the youngest of four girls in her family, and the only one who got married. All of her sisters are career girls. So, after about a year of marriage, we talk about having a child. I knew that she wanted this, because her sisters have none. Now, this was where the problem came in. With my ex, my daughter came along instantly; it was like POW! and she was here.

So, I start trying with my wife, and you know, nothing is happening. We did all the timing things, etc, but nothing, Then she says to me "It must be you". Three years we tried, and nothing, and I will be honest, I was in a state of desperation, because all that was on my mind was "If I can't get this right, her family line will stop". So, I go to the doctor, tests, test, and all came back I was fine.

Then, she finally tells me that an ex beat her up when she was six months pregnant, and she lost the child.

Now, I may sound overly sensitive, but she could have damn well told me this a long time before. After that, I had no desire at all to have sex with her. Basically my equipment was not working. She complained and complained at me, and said "I should get over it". Things started to go downhill from there.

This had a very bad phycological effect on me, and my own self esteem.

So, I ask all the guys here, how would YOU feel if you had been through this? Would you forgive and forget? Sorry, I could not. Even my head shrink was in shock when I told her these details.

Opinions please?

Andrew.


Kindest regards,

AJ

"If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete." - The Art of War - Sun Tzu
#4317076 - 12/02/16 07:40 PM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: FishTaco]  
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Wow, it really feels like just last year you were in here talking about getting married again. Odd how time flies.

At 50, do what you have to do to be happy and to take care of your children. There isnt enough hours in the day to give to people who dont deserve your time.

Good luck moving forwards and remember to check in every now and then with pictures of your great adventures!


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#4317078 - 12/02/16 07:46 PM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: FishTaco]  
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Actually Master, I was going to go to the forum and drop in a pic of my daughter - the one in question.

Thanks,

Andrew.


Kindest regards,

AJ

"If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete." - The Art of War - Sun Tzu
#4317083 - 12/02/16 08:18 PM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: FishTaco]  
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Originally Posted By: FishTaco
...

So, I ask all the guys here, how would YOU feel if you had been through this? Would you forgive and forget? Sorry, I could not. Even my head shrink was in shock when I told her these details.

Opinions please?

Andrew.


My 2 cents:

If she was truly repentant, acknowledging that she treated you very badly by acting that way, and asked for forgiveness... Yeah, I would say forgive, but not forget. Keep in mind, she has been victimized earlier, herself. That may be a factor in her poor decisions in dealing with you earlier.

However, from what you have described, that is not the attitude that she adopted. So no... it makes no sense to forgive the behavior you have described. Apparently she is not ready to be a truly functional half of a marriage.

The first step in first aid is to protect yourself. You can't be as effective in helping others if you get yourself injured. It is largely true in life, as well. Take care of yourself and be the father that your daughter deserves. I wish you the best with that.

#4317149 - 12/03/16 03:50 AM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: mailman]  
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Originally Posted By: mailman
Originally Posted By: W-Molders
in 95% of the cases were I see marriages work, its the man who basically says ' I live my life for myself and answer to nobody' (steve mcqueen quote) and if the woman sticks, she sticks.. most of the time she doesnt.


Interesting point of view W.

A number of guys I know are exactly as you say above (live for themselves) have ended up being divorced exactly because they did as they pleased. To be frank (or Dave), their exes are better off without them.

I think there is something about being married to a boy who never grew up that saps the life out of you. These guys haven't yet realised that part of the job of being a man is to actually stop being a boy and grow up and start being a man.

Mailman


western modern society says the man must live FOR the women basically.. it sucks.


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#4317485 - 12/05/16 03:40 PM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: FishTaco]  
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No, that is your interpretation of it. I'd say you have a rather insular exposure to marriages if "95%" are like you describe. I suppose you must live in a community of about 250 people somewhere in the middle of the country if so, or you just don't know that many people.

The idea that it's either all about you or all about her is entirely wrong. That's like saying people are either rabid alcoholics who get falling down drunk every single day, or they never drink anything, and those people who have one beer or glass of wine each night do not exist. Your idea that the solution is for the woman to live FOR the man sucks just as much. You're not superior because you're a man, you're not superior at all to anyone.

There are many, many examples of successful marriages where neither half is "in control", where it's not all about one of you but about both of you.
If you can't imagine that, that is your shortcoming, it's not the fault of "women", or society, or anything but your inability to have an equal partnership with someone of the opposite sex. Not getting your way 100% of the time is not living FOR her. Getting your way about half the time isn't either.
If you find the right person, it's quite simple to split who wins on this or that. It's not magic, and it's not impossible.


But hey, if you want to take the route of blaming everything else but your own lack of imagination, go right ahead. Just know that most people aren't buying it. I will say that 100% of the men I know that think like you are bitter old men, their claims of being happier alone ringing quite hollow. Not that any of what I say matters, because you already know it all.



The Jedi Master


The anteater is wearing the bagel because he's a reindeer princess. -- my 4 yr old daughter
#4317490 - 12/05/16 03:55 PM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: FishTaco]  
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Thanks Jedi.

FishTaco, the thing you mentioned is a game changer. Here my next self-reflective question would be: How could a relationship, even more so a marriage, come into being where one side is holding back such details from the other? In my experience a woman with such a history (that is actually pretty much a traumatic experience) has all kind of subtle or even rather direct Red Flags about her.

So maybe get your Red Flag detector checked... is it possible you too were too eager to start something fresh without properly screening for the "right" attributes? Do you have a concrete concept of that attributes you need in a partner (not want... need, as in actually no relationship to happen without them).

That's the kind of ideas or lessons I would take from this. Just my two cents.

#4317697 - 12/06/16 11:07 AM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: FishTaco]  
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RSColonel_131st,

Indeed, you are correct, and from this perspective, it is 100% my fault.

I should have suspected really, she was always extremely reluctant to tell me very much about her own life, whereas I told her everything about mine.

Yes, my detector is out of whack, but I will most certainly be re-syncing myself before I even think of another woman.


Kindest regards,

AJ

"If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete." - The Art of War - Sun Tzu
#4317720 - 12/06/16 01:41 PM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: FishTaco]  
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Best of luck with the resync and if you need anything you can always PM me. I've had plenty of harsh relationship or dating experiences, and as of this day I really fully understand what amazing insights these gave me into where my own faults lay to work on. From that perspective there is never a "bad" ending to a story - well, unless she cuts your balls off with a rusty nail file, that's a bit hard to fix :p

#4317750 - 12/06/16 03:13 PM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: FishTaco]  
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LOL...you're a hoot RSColonel......

Well, I am going to Bali with the pure intention of screwing the brains out of as many women as I possibly can....have no conscience any more, happy to make them all feel like sluts.

Then, I think my recovery will be complete :-)

Looking forward to seeing my daughter again in March smile

AJ.


Kindest regards,

AJ

"If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete." - The Art of War - Sun Tzu
#4317792 - 12/06/16 05:01 PM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: FishTaco]  
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Quote:
...have no conscience any more, happy to make them all feel like sluts.


Why not go there with the intention to make as many women as possible feel great for a night? It comes out to the same for you... and yet makes a world of difference to them.

Karma will get you, 100%, every time. Not right now, maybe not next year, but it will get you.

Also, I really want you to understand one very important thing:

At eight years, your daughter has already the three most important years of initial emotional development behind her. But there is plenty left to form inside her soul, and the way she sees the world, especially the way she will live out her romantic relationships will be a total reflection of yourself and her mother. Not in exactly the same way, and neither in an exactly mirrored way, but it will play a huge part.

So, even if you have no intention of dating anymore, and no matter whatever joy you get out of the way you currently think about women (who are NOT your Ex-Wife) - what you do from today on shapes your daughters future happiness with HER partners. I think that's a really good reason to trough this pain very thoroughly, very cleanly, and come out the other side a better man.

You don't want her to be the one wielding the rusty nail file one day, do you?

#4317852 - 12/06/16 06:52 PM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: W-Molders]  
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Originally Posted By: W-Molders
Originally Posted By: mailman
Originally Posted By: W-Molders
in 95% of the cases were I see marriages work, its the man who basically says ' I live my life for myself and answer to nobody' (steve mcqueen quote) and if the woman sticks, she sticks.. most of the time she doesnt.


Interesting point of view W.

A number of guys I know are exactly as you say above (live for themselves) have ended up being divorced exactly because they did as they pleased. To be frank (or Dave), their exes are better off without them.

I think there is something about being married to a boy who never grew up that saps the life out of you. These guys haven't yet realised that part of the job of being a man is to actually stop being a boy and grow up and start being a man.

Mailman


western modern society says the man must live FOR the women basically.. it sucks.


No...marriage, like everything is a balance of give and take. Your view is all take, take, take because you expect the woman to be give, give, give.

Those of us that live in the real world (tm) realise that is a recipe for failure.

I could play golf all weekend and my wife wouldn't get in the way of me doing that BUT the reality is that would mean my wife would be solely responsible for child care for the entire weekend which actually wouldn't be fair on her or the kids.

Thats the thing about being an adult, the realisation that life is not all about you. This is what I was going on about. These guys that I know would get on the p1ss all weekend long plus most nights of the week, not take any responsibility for their kids and leave everything up to their wives to manage and then whinge because their exes aren't so flexible now they are no longer together etc.

That the point I was making. There comes a time in your life where its time to stop being a boy and start being a man.

Mailman

#4317922 - 12/06/16 11:35 PM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: FishTaco]  
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Right now i've got food cooking on the stove so my wife will have food to eat when she gets home from work. She does the same for me at times except its for breakfast. I make medical appointments for her sometimes too and make sure her car is up on its maintenance.

That's the way marriage is supposed to work - you take care of each other.

Don't let a previous marriage discourage you from ever stopping to find someone to share your life with. You keep looking until you find someone right for you.


"everything lives by a law, a central balance sustains all"
#4317951 - 12/07/16 03:09 AM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: FishTaco]  
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FishTaco Offline
Mister Cromulent
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Actually, my last statement a joke guys.

In all honesty, I have never treated any woman like trash, because I always think : she's somebody's daughter.

And as mentioned, I would go postal if someone treated my daughter like that in ten years.


Kindest regards,

AJ

"If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete." - The Art of War - Sun Tzu
#4318009 - 12/07/16 12:05 PM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: FishTaco]  
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Mister Cromulent
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And on a much better note today......

In six weeks, I've lost 10.5 kilos in body weight. Started at the gym tonight, a little disappointing. Only managed 5klms on the bike, and only managed to bench 2x10 reps at 30 kilos each.

Haven't forgotten my fighting skills though, confident I could knock out the average dude with one punch.

Six more kilos to go, and perfect BMI for my age. Feeling great!


Kindest regards,

AJ

"If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete." - The Art of War - Sun Tzu
#4318040 - 12/07/16 02:34 PM Re: Another Divorce Looming [Re: FishTaco]  
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^ This guy's posts make me want a fish taco! biggrin

That's great that you're hitting the gym and getting to your proper BMI. What you posted above about the women of Bali...

Consider that (depending on source), for every 30 to 35 lbs. (13.6 to 15.8 kilos) overweight, you lose 1" (2.54 cm) of rod. Not to mention weight lifting (building muscle) raises testosterone, plus all the stamina benefits of being fit. Motivating, eh?

I plan to have my t-levels checked when I turn 50 next year, sorta like the mid-life 120k mile tune-up and diagnostics for a car. smile

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