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#4299373 - 09/27/16 08:52 AM Kids will break your heart  
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marko1231123 Offline
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Sorry Need to vent.
My eighteen year old daughter had just decided to piss away her future.
she is dropping out of school and moving in with her dead beat boyfriend and moving about a hundred miles away from home.
In her final exam year I cant get her to understand the consequences of this.
I am in work at the moment don't no why I even Bothered coming in not capable of doing anything did not sleep a wink last night.
I even let the dead beat stay in my home for awhile till I come home one afternoon and he was still in bed so I threw him out.
all I want to do is beat the #%&*$# out of the dead beat, but it would do no good she will still go and I will be in deep #%&*$#.
To say I sacrificed to get my kids the education they Need to survive in a very tough world would be an understatement.
She only had one term left what's out there for a teen with out an education but what can I do. I have no legal right to make her stay.
I know it wont work out with the dead beat but I also know she is a proud girl and wont return once she leaves.
I have some cash saved I was thinking of giving it to her but if I do that she will probably have a great time till it runs out
My hart is truly broken I would not mind if she was going off to university or even working abroad but to sit in a bedsit all day with no job and not much chance of one either.

Last edited by marko1231123; 09/27/16 09:01 AM.
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#4299374 - 09/27/16 09:16 AM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: marko1231123]  
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RSColonel_131st Offline
Lifer
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Oh man...

Sorry to hear that.

Why is she moving that distance? He's got family there or something?

What are her interests in life?

#4299376 - 09/27/16 09:24 AM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: RSColonel_131st]  
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Originally Posted By: RSColonel_131st
Oh man...

Sorry to hear that.

Why is she moving that distance? He's got family there or something?

What are her interests in life?


His family own a property down there
His parents are nice hardworking people but soft.

#4299378 - 09/27/16 09:27 AM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: marko1231123]  
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3instein Offline
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As long as she understands that you are there for her no matter what Marko, little you can do when they think that they are right.

Hopefully it won't be long before she see's the light and understands, some kids take a fall before they climb to a better understanding.

Mick. smile


"An appeaser is someone who feeds the crocodile hoping he will be eaten last"

Winston Churchill

#4299380 - 09/27/16 09:37 AM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: marko1231123]  
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Stewie Offline
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ARe they moving into that property?
I feel your, I was going to say pain, but its more...anguish.
Negatives: Dead beat bf, missing last term of school.
Positives: BF family are good people. School can be finished at a later date.

Superficial, I know, but there is not much you can do, mate.
Give her support, not necessarily financial but if she needs 50 bucks...???
Emotional support is what she needs most. DOnt lose your temper with her.
Hopefully, after finding out that living with dead beat BF is not all its cracked up to be, shell see the light.

You have to remain accessible and not be the estranged father. Stay in touch with her. Phone her every 3-4 days or so. Give her every chance to come back to a loving Dad.


>
#4299381 - 09/27/16 09:38 AM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: 3instein]  
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Originally Posted By: 3instein
As long as she understands that you are there for her no matter what Marko, little you can do when they think that they are right.

Hopefully it won't be long before she see's the light and understands, some kids take a fall before they climb to a better understanding.

Mick. smile


Well said, brutha


>
#4299384 - 09/27/16 09:49 AM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: marko1231123]  
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I know this story oh so well, it reads exactly the same as our middle daughter. She met a guy at Uni, he is a good bit older than her, he has had to repeat a few years and was heading nowhere so he dropped out and he persuaded her to drop out as well, then she fell pregnant, and that was that.

Many years later she is still with the guy and still loves him but is frustrated in that she cannot move forward with her life and that they are stuck.

She is much brighter than him and he knows it, so he keeps finding ways to keep her down and to boycott anything she does to forward her business and time is running out on her being able to continue with it.

She now regrets having dropped out of uni and realises what she did was not the best of moves, she is trying to make the best of it and it pains us all to watch.

Back then it was all "I know best and I know what I'm doing" etc. etc. recently she came round and had a heart to heart with her mum and then later she came to me and apologised for the trouble she had put us both through. My heart goes out to her but I don't trust her husband at all.

She is still very independent and despite her husband she is making a go of it, we help her when we can but we do not interfere between her and her husband, she has to make her own decisions there but no matter what we will be there for her if she needs us.

Now her eldest is getting close to the age when they will want to go to Uni and she is praying that history does not repeat it's self!


Chlanna nan con thigibh a so's gheibh sibh feoil
Sons of the hound come here and get flesh
Clan Cameron
#4299387 - 09/27/16 10:00 AM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: Stewie]  
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marko1231123 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Stewie
ARe they moving into that property?
I feel your, I was going to say pain, but its more...anguish.
Negatives: Dead beat bf, missing last term of school.
Positives: BF family are good people. School can be finished at a later date.

Superficial, I know, but there is not much you can do, mate.
Give her support, not necessarily financial but if she needs 50 bucks...???
Emotional support is what she needs most. DOnt lose your temper with her.
Hopefully, after finding out that living with dead beat BF is not all its cracked up to be, shell see the light.

You have to remain accessible and not be the estranged father. Stay in touch with her. Phone her every 3-4 days or so. Give her every chance to come back to a loving Dad.




I know you guys are right but it mite be to late for that.
I did lose it and said some pretty harsh things. including if you go your not coming back I also know she is very proud and would not come home even if she was hungry that's what's killing me I am just going to have to give her a couple of k I had saved
I left home pretty young as well all I want her to do is finish Her exams if she does not want a third level education that's her choice education is so important I always tried to get that though To my kids. but once they reach a certain age its up to them.
How they hell is she going to live there very little chance of her getting a job and she will not be entitled to any sort of welfare
He only gets 40 euro a week I just don't see how there going to live and I know it will keep me and my wife awake at night worrying about it. she's so loved up she is not thinking rationally.

Last edited by marko1231123; 09/27/16 10:02 AM.
#4299390 - 09/27/16 10:07 AM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: Stewie]  
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Ice Cold in Alex or Eating in ...
Good points Stewie.


Chlanna nan con thigibh a so's gheibh sibh feoil
Sons of the hound come here and get flesh
Clan Cameron
#4299393 - 09/27/16 10:18 AM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: marko1231123]  
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Sooner or later she will be fed up with that guy. At 18, girls have different priorities than when they are 25. You'll see. She will dump him as soon as she realizes that he won't be able to support a family.

So unless he shapes up quickly, he may find himself being dumped rather abruptly.

Don't expect teenagers to think rationally, in many cases they are physiologically incapable of doing that due to their prefrontal cortex not yet being developed fully. That may take up to the age of 26. And who knows, maybe the "deadbeat" will also change for the better as he gets older.

The more you freak out over the issue, the more stubbornly she will react. Calmly explain your point of view to her, but also point out that you will always be there for her no matter what, because she's your daughter and you love her unconditionally...which is precisely the reason that you reacted so strongly (tell her that as well). And you will have to be the one who reaches out. Maybe another family member could act as a mediator?




Why men throw their lives away attacking an armed Witcher... I'll never know. Something wrong with my face?
#4299399 - 09/27/16 11:00 AM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: marko1231123]  
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Stewie Offline
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NO NO NO...do NOT give her a couple of K. WHy would you? She doesnt need that much. 100 for food and phone, mebbe.

And you can easily repair any damage just by calling and saying sorry.
You know its not your fault, but she doesnt. Say sorry and that youll always be there for her, on the end of a Phone, when she wants to talk.

Stay available, any hour of day or night she has to know that you are there for her. Its not about money right now.


>
#4299401 - 09/27/16 11:04 AM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: marko1231123]  
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You have her cell number, right? Is it contract or pay as you go? If its pay as you go put 5 dollars on every week? Thats better than giver them cash, imho. Let her know that you will accept collect calls, any hour day or night, because you can be certain it will be 04:00 when she calls.


>
#4299418 - 09/27/16 11:47 AM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: Stewie]  
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marko1231123 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Stewie
You have her cell number, right? Is it contract or pay as you go? If its pay as you go put 5 dollars on every week? Thats better than giver them cash, imho. Let her know that you will accept collect calls, any hour day or night, because you can be certain it will be 04:00 when she calls.



I never got the chance to even say sorry she's gone.
pulled a sickie and was going to have one last try to make her see sense.

Her phone is bill pay I will keep paying the bill.
I haven't got her address I will contact his parents and get the address.
She wont answer the phone to me or her mother.
I have her bank account details I will put fifty euro a week in her account at least I know she will eat.
I have sent her a text telling her sorry and I love her and she is always welcome back home.
Nothing else i can do now,
Temped to go on a bender but it wont help i still have my youngest and granddaughter to take care of.
Probably should not have started this topic but i was so angry i had to vent.
Not one for face to face chats about personal issues.
Thanks for the support lads it did help.

#4299421 - 09/27/16 11:57 AM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: marko1231123]  
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RSColonel_131st Offline
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Sounds like you did the right things. She's grown up, some of those decisions and consequences are only hers to make and experience.

#4299430 - 09/27/16 12:38 PM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: marko1231123]  
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Ok mate. Youre doing the right things. Itll take time now, thats all.
Try phoning every 3-4 days or so but dont get annoyed if she wont answer. Shell know that you are still there for her.
A bender wont help her. Might help you to have a couple of drinks with your Mrs and talk through stuff. In vino veritas etc.
Def not down the local bar though. You might meet me there biggrin

You WILL get through this, I promise.


>
#4299435 - 09/27/16 01:02 PM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: marko1231123]  
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Here's another perspective: it could actually turn for the best.

My middle sister did something like this. The boyfriend wasn't a looser, it was actually a nice guy, but he was going nowhere...

Nowadays she's a happy mother of one rascal freakishly smart boy, she has a great job and her husband has he own business and they earn more than me, who stayed in school and uni and all that... so there's that.


When you're feeling sad, just remember that somewhere in the world, there's someone pushing a door that says "pull".
#4299460 - 09/27/16 01:53 PM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: marko1231123]  
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Cut out the money, consider keeping the phone so you know she can call when things settle down. If they want to be on their own, let them at this point. I don't have a problem with helping adult kids when they need it, but this is different. Your help is there, but she has to come home, alone, for it. She'll learn to grow up and swallow here pride when necessary. She can pick the education back up when she comes home, or when she grows up and sees how limited she is. Try to be patient. There are lessons kids can't be taught, they just have to go through it. Just fix things so you can be there on the other side. Obviously you know her phone number, text her. Don't support financially but let her know you're there for her.


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#4299465 - 09/27/16 02:04 PM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: marko1231123]  
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Marko, I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I KNOW it is tough.
But Raw Kryptonite is correct. Pay the phone, nothing else.

I had to do this with my Niece who was living with us, and is like a daughter to me. Right after graduation, she started hanging out with this boy that was without worth. She couldn't see it. She started violating my rules of staying in the house. I confronted her and said "My way or Your way. Your Way means you need to get your Big Girl Panties on and be out of the house by tomorrow."
She did. I cried.
However, she had to learn to put "Her Lips against the Cold Butt of Reality" and soon she dumped Loser Boy, and then became responsible and self-sufficient.
We have a fantastic relationship. I love her sooo much. But I had to let her learn.
Whatever you do, don't stop communicating with her. She may not squawk back, but she needs to know that you are still there.


~Bill

In my defense, I was left unsupervised...
#4299467 - 09/27/16 02:07 PM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: marko1231123]  
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Oddly enough, when I was 18 I never felt like I knew everything and was ready to go it alone. That didn't happen until I was 22 right after finishing college. smile
Within a month I had quit my job at the movie theater, got a job at Circuit City, quit THAT, and met my only second longtime girlfriend (who I would marry 3 years later). Within 6 months I moved out, within a year I got a job doing computer stuff as a temp thing until I could find something better...and I've been doing it for over 20 years now. oops

By contrast, my sister followed almost exactly the same path of finding a deadbeat boyfriend, moving out, moving back, marrying deadbeat, moving out, getting divorced, moving back...


The Jedi Master


The anteater is wearing the bagel because he's a reindeer princess. -- my 4 yr old daughter
#4299469 - 09/27/16 02:08 PM Re: Kids will break your heart [Re: Bill_Grant]  
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Just echoing Raw K and Bill G here.

Do NOT reward her wrong behavior by giving her money. Gonna be hard man, and it NEEDS to be hard for her.



"There's a sucker born every minute."
Phineas Taylor Barnum

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