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#4199677 - 11/27/15 02:10 AM Re: Well I'm officialy a single man again! [Re: Outlaw]  
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 1,160
Cali Offline
Military Advisor - USAF
Cali  Offline
Military Advisor - USAF
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 1,160
Davis-Monthan AFB, Az
Glad to hear you are doing good Outlaw. If it works, then go with it, no need to be gun shy. Live life and enjoy it, there will be ups and downs.....we all know that, some are scared to think of the downs.


i5-2500k @ 3.3, Asus P8Z77-V LE mobo Windows 7 64-bit, 8GB 1866mhz
EVGA GTX 670 FTW 2GB, 256GB SSD, 500GB WD, Warthog, uber modded Cougar, TM Cougar MFD's, TrackIR 5, G15 keyboard


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#4200489 - 11/29/15 08:57 PM Re: Well I'm officialy a single man again! [Re: MarkG]  
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,989
Mechanus Offline
Member
Mechanus  Offline
Member

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,989
Originally Posted By: MarkG
Like CG2015, I would be totally lost where to start looking again.


That's just it- this is where males screw up, they're 'out looking.' It's the other way around, the females come to you. The guys who are most appealing are the guys who don't look as though they are out looking, they are out living their lives, and that's suddenly when 'magically' girls start taking notice and do more the approaching.

Dating is phenomenally easier than long term relationships, but the problems happen when we don't treat dating as fun and light in and of itself, we treat it as a serious matter to find that one person, then it becomes much harder. All the pressure is on. That's when males start their approval seeking routines, they don't really behave as they really are. They'll act nicer to girls they think are more attractive or that they want, more dismissive of women they don't like, and women notice this stuff, and they can tell when the guys are trying too hard but not acting naturally.

The mentality to have in dating is that you have to be willing to lose the girl in order to win her, that means the stuff that seems counter-intuitive is what women are more attracted to- the guys don't act nicer than they really they are, and they give off a different vibe- a lover than that of a friend who is trying to get her approval, and that's difficult for lots of guys, their only routine is to be nice and make themselves available.

Here's an example- a guy makes plans with friends, and then a girl he likes makes contact with him and invites him to go somewhere. Like a lot of guys, he may change his plans to go with the girl- this is not what guys should do, again, it's approval seeking behavior and it makes the guy look too available. The thing to do in this situation is to either decline and ask for a date at another time, or invite the girl to come along with- no pressure, she can take it or leave it. But to modify behavior gives off signals to women that the guy is easy, likewise, the female threshold is rather low and a girl comes off more desperate and easy if she's always available and agreeable to what the guy says. You know this intuitively that if someone is always available and agrees with everything you say comes off a bit creepy. Something wrong there, you have to not do that.

The way the dynamics look like is game of push and pull- push the girl to get her interest up, take two steps forward, then she'll start putting her guard up as she realizes you are communicating interest. Then take a step back, this leaves her feeling as though she's putting her guard up for no reason, and you're safe and comfortable. She'll drop her guard, and then when she reaches out to you to find out what happened to you, do it again- two steps forward to get her interests up, then pull back a little. Keep doing it, and keep dating many other women regardless of your level of interest in any of them- that makes your life busy and involved and makes you more appealing and comfortable with dating and more women will come into your path. It also makes you more comfortable around all types of women and you get a sense of what female behavior is really trying to do so you pass their tests and remain immune to their games designed to weed out guys who don't know what they're doing (or may be dangerous). Easy. But guys find that difficult to do- they only date and pursue the few girls they think they have lots of interest in, and that vibe comes off much differently. It's a 'scarce mentality'- the one or two girls are likely the only ones he meets, or he doesn't meet many girls too often, so he tends to pursue harder, and it shows.

#4200540 - 11/29/15 10:56 PM Re: Well I'm officialy a single man again! [Re: Outlaw]  
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 11,492
MarkG Offline
Veteran
MarkG  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 11,492
The Bayou
I'm not retracting what I posted earlier, but I probably made it sound worse than it was (after all, we are still married). Neither of us regret getting married, just the timing and some of the circumstances (making a move without her within the first year, then her job requiring lots of traveling). It took a while to feel cozy and settled (without children and years in apartments/town homes).

Most of our issues were my fault, I'm man enough to admit that. We knew we were different personalities and hey, even my parents warned her before the wedding to be sure it's what she wanted (thanks mom).

The biggest problem is that we eventually became *too* comfortable which led to an unhealthy lifestyle, followed by a marital disconnect and always feeling stuck in a rut...you know the rest. We're working on it, I think we'll go the distance.



The rusty wire that holds the cork that keeps the anger in
Gives way and suddenly it’s day again
The sun is in the east
Even though the day is done
Two suns in the sunset, hmph
Could be the human race is run
#4200559 - 11/29/15 11:42 PM Re: Well I'm officialy a single man again! [Re: Outlaw]  
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,989
Mechanus Offline
Member
Mechanus  Offline
Member

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,989
Well, in a relationship, keep dating one another is essential. That's again where things tend to change- in the beginning courtship phase the adrenaline is up, these strong feelings are taking over designed to bond people.

This doesn't last- after a few years together, the intensity of these feelings drop off, and real life problems and situations introduce their barriers. People do get comfortable- perhaps too comfortable and they no longer are really behaving the way they behaved when they first met. They are not trying to attract each other any more, it's more taken for granted. The movies never show this happening of course, the end of the film comes when the two finally meet, it's a match, and it ends picture perfect without showing what will come later on.

A friend of mine who is a woman says that she and her husband make sure to spend some time apart pursuing their own interests and be with their friends, and then make an effort to date one another still. This keeps a relationship fresh and feeling more like it did in the beginning. They also don't share a bathroom together and get too familiar and too close with a lot of their routines, so they don't fall into that roommate feeling with one another. It all makes perfect sense to me.

But as far as dating goes, the way attraction works is the same, it's biological, people don't have a choice in the matter. Women don't have a choice not to want to be with who they want to be with. Attraction isn't a choice, so it's not anything that someone can do to change someone's mind by going out of their way for them or trying to seek their approval.

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