Hey, Y'all probably need a laugh after this weekend...


Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"
Mr. Jeffries: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."


Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”


A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner.
The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"


A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.


What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.


I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you didn't like it.


I hate people who take drugs. DEA is the worst.


My friend really hurt me today when he told me that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space.
I mean, what a thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath!

I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car. It's very practical. I can barely hear my kids now.

Hey bartender!
Let me get three shots of grey goose...or is it grey geese?
Screw it, let me get a flock of vodka.

Some girl at work told me this one today...

What do you call it if you're at a bar with a beer in each hand?

I replied "I have a drinking problem, two hands and only one mouth"...

She laughed and said "Nope. Double fisted".

An air crash in the Andes. the survivors gather in the wreck with a heavy snowstorm outside. Nothing to eat and it's obvious they would not be rescued before long. After 5 days , one of them put the barrel of a handgun on his temple and says he would sacrifice himself and give his body to be eaten by the others.
- Don't do that please ! shouts someone.
- No I am convinced it's the best thing to do : I have no family, noone to mourn my death , I am decided to kill myself !
- No ! don't do that : brain is what I eat the most willingly !