I don't usually turn to forum friends about this kind of situation, but I really need some advice please, if anybody else has had a similar issue before. OK, here goes......
To try to cut a long story short, in November I split with my Indonesian fiance. This was mostly brought about by major interference by her family, which drove us apart, the main motivator being that she lied to me about them. I could take the #%&*$#, but not the lies from her.
I've tried over and over again to make a permanent break, but she just don't get it. I've blocked her email, she created about another eight addresses. I blocked them too, and her phone. I have lost some of my FB friends because of her carrying on to them. She's coming to Perth next month to try to rekindle things with me, but to quote the song: 'I've lost that loving feeling'. There's no emotions for her at all at this time. She seems to think that things will reignite when we get back together, but I know myself, so I doubt it.
So, my question is, should I play hardball with this woman, or go at it more gently? She threatened suicide (unfair I know) and also lost the best part of 35 pounds until I started to speak to her again. Seems she just don't get it. I think she is bordering on obsessed. This whole thing has also driven me to go on meds for hypertension, which I never had before. I'm somewhat upset about this now. (Obviously).
I should have run this as a poll. Has anybody else ever been in this situation? Am I being a selfish #%&*$#? Advice guys please.
Thanks,
Andrew.
Kindest regards,
AJ
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete." - The Art of War - Sun Tzu
Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 121,384PanzerMeyer
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PanzerMeyer
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 121,384
Miami, FL USA
If you don't mind, I need to ask a rather blunt question.
Are you sure her motivation for being interested in you from the beginning was genuine? By that I mean she wasn't just trying to find a Westerner so she could live the good life?
“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
No offense taken at all. Yes, I did consider that in the beginning, but we (now) would have been together close to three years. Ex husband was a real ahole to her, and her kids showed zero respect. I can understand her wanting to get away.
She still exhibits some of the same problem traits that I left her for (not listening). She even caused me a few issues when I was working for the USMC in Jordan. In many ways, she's a good woman. Looks good for her age, etc, but I'm 52 now, and I feel that I don't have sufficient patience to guide a woman of 44 who acts like a 17 year old in love for the first time.
And YES, I do have my Grumpy Old Man Tee-shirt......LOL
Kindest regards,
AJ
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete." - The Art of War - Sun Tzu
Answer: Hardball. Make one last clear cut statement if you feel you must. Consider getting a restraining order. Do not accomodate her visit in any way. Move on with your life and disabuse her of any notion of her being able to be part of it.
All I can say, from my experience, is people (women) DO NOT change. I know it is very hard to come to terms with this when you care very much for somebody. The sooner you do, the better you will feel. Listen to your gut. It is usually right.
Bring a friend to the conversation. Explain that he's not there to take sides or to engage in the conversation at all, but to serve as a witness for what you have to say. This is probably so unusual for a "private conversation" that it might be the needed "clear signal" to get through.
too many red flags for me to give any advice to stay with this women. I had rekindled a HS relationship with someone after my divorce. Sex was fantastic, but she was bat $% crazy and it wasn't worth it. She would email me, call me for help on things or stalk me on FB and IG.
It's never worth it. RUN
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Brother, back when I was a young sailor (67 now) I had almost the same problem with a woman who was about 10 years older than me. When I told her it was over, she got physical, trying to hang on to me and then threw herself against the door to try to stop me from leaving. It was ugly, but I knew it was over and there was too much water under the bridge. A few days later I was standing the Quarterdeck watch when I got a call from the local hospital saying that the woman was in the psych unit ans would not talk to anyone but me. As cold as it sounds, I said NO and hung the phone up. I knew a conversation would only make things worse.
When you know it's over, it's best to do the hard thing and call it. Letting her come and visit is only going to prolong the problem.
I've been through a fair bit myself before I finally married my wife in 1991. There is no nice way to do it, my friend. Cut it off and quick smart, delays and excuses only prolong the agony. Been there done that. I'm 73 years old.
"You'll never take me alive" said he, And his ghost may be heard if you pass by that billabong "Who'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me?"
Ajay newbie Veteran
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 19,381
Brisbane OZ
Like the other guys said, cut it. I've been down that obsession path before and you just have to one hundred percent lose contact. I moved, got a new job, would not let her her know where i lived or worked, changed social circles. Good luck man and may things get better for you
Thanks for the advice everybody, seems that you are all leaning in a similar direction to me.
I'm trying to show a little kindness here, which I guess is probably more stupidity on my part. I felt that if she actually sees me again with her own eyes, it will finally sink in. I have one more ace up my sleeve; And that is when we were together, I sponsored her visitor visa to Australia. I could probably get that revoked, say I will not support or help her etc. Like I said; it's a bit of a shame, because she has many good qualities, but the maturity is just not there. Hell, when I was in the Philippines last week, I met a 26 year old who had more of an adult mind than my ex.
I have a backup plan too; a friend of a friend has said that if required, she will confront my ex and tell her that me and her are going to get married. #%&*$# of a trick I know, but also a last resort.
Once again, thanks to all. When I need good, sound advice, I know I can always rely on the guys here at SimHQ.
AJ.
Kindest regards,
AJ
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete." - The Art of War - Sun Tzu
Answer: Hardball. Make one last clear cut statement if you feel you must. Consider getting a restraining order. Do not accomodate her visit in any way. Move on with your life and disabuse her of any notion of her being able to be part of it.
This is the best advice IMO. Your 52, don't waste anymore time on her than you have to. I would even consider going on a trip to avoid her. Even better to try and make it clear you are not available. Tell her to not waste her time coming. Sounds like there is a lot of baggage you don't need.
To be Blunt, Nope and if you have to get a restraining order before she gets their. The suicide threat tells it all. Using a Suicide threat as a weapon/tool lets you know this is a control issue, she wants to dictate the relationship at a VERY unhealthy level. As someone said earlier. "RUN!" my 2 cents. Oh, I am getting the feeling from what you wrote that this is basically your gut feeling. Always go with your gut feeling. my 2.3598 cents worth. Good luck Taco.
I have a backup plan too; a friend of a friend has said that if required, she will confront my ex and tell her that me and her are going to get married. #%&*$# of a trick I know, but also a last resort.
Once again, thanks to all. When I need good, sound advice, I know I can always rely on the guys here at SimHQ.
AJ.
I dont think something like that would work for anyone who knows how to cyber stalk like it appears this lady does. Only way would be to go through with it until she finally gives up!
I have a backup plan too; a friend of a friend has said that if required, she will confront my ex and tell her that me and her are going to get married. #%&*$# of a trick I know, but also a last resort.
Once again, thanks to all. When I need good, sound advice, I know I can always rely on the guys here at SimHQ.
AJ.
I dont think something like that would work for anyone who knows how to cyber stalk like it appears this lady does. ...
I agree with Master.
Forget the disingenuous stuff. Anything less than honest just puts you on shaky ground. The only backup plan(s) to just saying "No", that you should be considering are either getting a restraining order, or perhaps yanking that sponsorship that you mentioned (if that is actually a viable option).
If you really want out of the relationship, then stop relating to her. You don't have to be nasty or mean about it, but you owe it to yourself to be firm and final. Refrain from giving her any openings. Do not do, or say anything that she could interpret as still having a chance.
I went through a very similar situation with a lady in the last year.
She had some problems and I felt sorry for her, besides the fact she was HOT! and over twenty years younger than I.
No easy way to do this. NO BS, just straight up NO!
If you have to use legal means do it. Mine was going around to all my neighbors telling them what a jerk and bad person I was. I had to threaten her with a trespass warrant ( a legal thing in the states where someone will be arrested if they show up on your property/neighborhood).
It sucked, but I blocked all her electronic communications and she finally went away. I had a hint she "wasn't right" when I first started seeing her, but my wrong head said all was AOK.
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There are good women out there, who don't need a shrink.
Where? Where?!!!!!!!!
Gentlemen, consider yourselves fortunate that at least you don't have to deal with her equally crazy family calling not just you but your immediate family and basically threatening to give her another chance, or that she doesn't get most of her relationship advice from her bipolar Russian neighbor.