I don't usually turn to forum friends about this kind of situation, but I really need some advice please, if anybody else has had a similar issue before. OK, here goes......
To try to cut a long story short, in November I split with my Indonesian fiance. This was mostly brought about by major interference by her family, which drove us apart, the main motivator being that she lied to me about them. I could take the #%&*$#, but not the lies from her.
I've tried over and over again to make a permanent break, but she just don't get it. I've blocked her email, she created about another eight addresses. I blocked them too, and her phone. I have lost some of my FB friends because of her carrying on to them. She's coming to Perth next month to try to rekindle things with me, but to quote the song: 'I've lost that loving feeling'. There's no emotions for her at all at this time. She seems to think that things will reignite when we get back together, but I know myself, so I doubt it.
So, my question is, should I play hardball with this woman, or go at it more gently? She threatened suicide (unfair I know) and also lost the best part of 35 pounds until I started to speak to her again. Seems she just don't get it. I think she is bordering on obsessed. This whole thing has also driven me to go on meds for hypertension, which I never had before. I'm somewhat upset about this now. (Obviously).
I should have run this as a poll. Has anybody else ever been in this situation? Am I being a selfish #%&*$#? Advice guys please.
Thanks,
Andrew.
Kindest regards,
AJ
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete." - The Art of War - Sun Tzu
Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 121,390PanzerMeyer
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PanzerMeyer
Pro-Consul of Florida
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 121,390
Miami, FL USA
If you don't mind, I need to ask a rather blunt question.
Are you sure her motivation for being interested in you from the beginning was genuine? By that I mean she wasn't just trying to find a Westerner so she could live the good life?
“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
No offense taken at all. Yes, I did consider that in the beginning, but we (now) would have been together close to three years. Ex husband was a real ahole to her, and her kids showed zero respect. I can understand her wanting to get away.
She still exhibits some of the same problem traits that I left her for (not listening). She even caused me a few issues when I was working for the USMC in Jordan. In many ways, she's a good woman. Looks good for her age, etc, but I'm 52 now, and I feel that I don't have sufficient patience to guide a woman of 44 who acts like a 17 year old in love for the first time.
And YES, I do have my Grumpy Old Man Tee-shirt......LOL
Kindest regards,
AJ
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete." - The Art of War - Sun Tzu
Answer: Hardball. Make one last clear cut statement if you feel you must. Consider getting a restraining order. Do not accomodate her visit in any way. Move on with your life and disabuse her of any notion of her being able to be part of it.
All I can say, from my experience, is people (women) DO NOT change. I know it is very hard to come to terms with this when you care very much for somebody. The sooner you do, the better you will feel. Listen to your gut. It is usually right.
Bring a friend to the conversation. Explain that he's not there to take sides or to engage in the conversation at all, but to serve as a witness for what you have to say. This is probably so unusual for a "private conversation" that it might be the needed "clear signal" to get through.
too many red flags for me to give any advice to stay with this women. I had rekindled a HS relationship with someone after my divorce. Sex was fantastic, but she was bat $% crazy and it wasn't worth it. She would email me, call me for help on things or stalk me on FB and IG.
It's never worth it. RUN
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Brother, back when I was a young sailor (67 now) I had almost the same problem with a woman who was about 10 years older than me. When I told her it was over, she got physical, trying to hang on to me and then threw herself against the door to try to stop me from leaving. It was ugly, but I knew it was over and there was too much water under the bridge. A few days later I was standing the Quarterdeck watch when I got a call from the local hospital saying that the woman was in the psych unit ans would not talk to anyone but me. As cold as it sounds, I said NO and hung the phone up. I knew a conversation would only make things worse.
When you know it's over, it's best to do the hard thing and call it. Letting her come and visit is only going to prolong the problem.
I've been through a fair bit myself before I finally married my wife in 1991. There is no nice way to do it, my friend. Cut it off and quick smart, delays and excuses only prolong the agony. Been there done that. I'm 73 years old.
"You'll never take me alive" said he, And his ghost may be heard if you pass by that billabong "Who'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me?"
Ajay newbie Veteran
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 19,381
Brisbane OZ
Like the other guys said, cut it. I've been down that obsession path before and you just have to one hundred percent lose contact. I moved, got a new job, would not let her her know where i lived or worked, changed social circles. Good luck man and may things get better for you
Thanks for the advice everybody, seems that you are all leaning in a similar direction to me.
I'm trying to show a little kindness here, which I guess is probably more stupidity on my part. I felt that if she actually sees me again with her own eyes, it will finally sink in. I have one more ace up my sleeve; And that is when we were together, I sponsored her visitor visa to Australia. I could probably get that revoked, say I will not support or help her etc. Like I said; it's a bit of a shame, because she has many good qualities, but the maturity is just not there. Hell, when I was in the Philippines last week, I met a 26 year old who had more of an adult mind than my ex.
I have a backup plan too; a friend of a friend has said that if required, she will confront my ex and tell her that me and her are going to get married. #%&*$# of a trick I know, but also a last resort.
Once again, thanks to all. When I need good, sound advice, I know I can always rely on the guys here at SimHQ.
AJ.
Kindest regards,
AJ
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete." - The Art of War - Sun Tzu
Answer: Hardball. Make one last clear cut statement if you feel you must. Consider getting a restraining order. Do not accomodate her visit in any way. Move on with your life and disabuse her of any notion of her being able to be part of it.
This is the best advice IMO. Your 52, don't waste anymore time on her than you have to. I would even consider going on a trip to avoid her. Even better to try and make it clear you are not available. Tell her to not waste her time coming. Sounds like there is a lot of baggage you don't need.
To be Blunt, Nope and if you have to get a restraining order before she gets their. The suicide threat tells it all. Using a Suicide threat as a weapon/tool lets you know this is a control issue, she wants to dictate the relationship at a VERY unhealthy level. As someone said earlier. "RUN!" my 2 cents. Oh, I am getting the feeling from what you wrote that this is basically your gut feeling. Always go with your gut feeling. my 2.3598 cents worth. Good luck Taco.
I have a backup plan too; a friend of a friend has said that if required, she will confront my ex and tell her that me and her are going to get married. #%&*$# of a trick I know, but also a last resort.
Once again, thanks to all. When I need good, sound advice, I know I can always rely on the guys here at SimHQ.
AJ.
I dont think something like that would work for anyone who knows how to cyber stalk like it appears this lady does. Only way would be to go through with it until she finally gives up!
I have a backup plan too; a friend of a friend has said that if required, she will confront my ex and tell her that me and her are going to get married. #%&*$# of a trick I know, but also a last resort.
Once again, thanks to all. When I need good, sound advice, I know I can always rely on the guys here at SimHQ.
AJ.
I dont think something like that would work for anyone who knows how to cyber stalk like it appears this lady does. ...
I agree with Master.
Forget the disingenuous stuff. Anything less than honest just puts you on shaky ground. The only backup plan(s) to just saying "No", that you should be considering are either getting a restraining order, or perhaps yanking that sponsorship that you mentioned (if that is actually a viable option).
If you really want out of the relationship, then stop relating to her. You don't have to be nasty or mean about it, but you owe it to yourself to be firm and final. Refrain from giving her any openings. Do not do, or say anything that she could interpret as still having a chance.
I went through a very similar situation with a lady in the last year.
She had some problems and I felt sorry for her, besides the fact she was HOT! and over twenty years younger than I.
No easy way to do this. NO BS, just straight up NO!
If you have to use legal means do it. Mine was going around to all my neighbors telling them what a jerk and bad person I was. I had to threaten her with a trespass warrant ( a legal thing in the states where someone will be arrested if they show up on your property/neighborhood).
It sucked, but I blocked all her electronic communications and she finally went away. I had a hint she "wasn't right" when I first started seeing her, but my wrong head said all was AOK.
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"There's a sucker born every minute." Phineas Taylor Barnum
There are good women out there, who don't need a shrink.
Where? Where?!!!!!!!!
Gentlemen, consider yourselves fortunate that at least you don't have to deal with her equally crazy family calling not just you but your immediate family and basically threatening to give her another chance, or that she doesn't get most of her relationship advice from her bipolar Russian neighbor.
My bad experience was with a women who had a Master's Degree in Psychology ( she even went on to get a Doctorate). She was very unstable. Later in life she had admitted that she herself had been diagnosed with several "issues". I always thought she suffered from "spoiled little rich girl" syndrome. When you are young, there is a certain amount of "crazy" that you can put up with. Once you get into your thirties, that number goes down to zero.
My bad experience was with a women who had a Master's Degree in Psychology ( she even went on to get a Doctorate). She was very unstable.
Psychologists have proven that those working in the psychology field are vastly more likely to have psychological issues, probably because their condition draws them to the field. That's not to say that there are no sane people to be found in that field, its just that the rate of people with conditions is substantially higher than the population's average.
If you really want out of the relationship, then stop relating to her. You don't have to be nasty or mean about it, but you owe it to yourself to be firm and final. Refrain from giving her any openings. Do not do, or say anything that she could interpret as still having a chance.
Exactly. Most "relationship problems" of this kind (and that includes stuff like children not disconnecting appropriatly from their parents, even if they are already 30+ with a family of their own - so not just romantic relationships) happen because *both* sides are somehow still in touch with the other, on some emotional level they might not even be aware about.
So, FishTaco, check yourself and your history with her, and really consider if you truly think that "seeing you in person is going to make it sink in for her" or if there is some other reason why you can't just drop her like a poisoned potato.
My bad experience was with a women who had a Master's Degree in Psychology ( she even went on to get a Doctorate). She was very unstable.
Psychologists have proven that those working in the psychology field are vastly more likely to have psychological issues, probably because their condition draws them to the field. That's not to say that there are no sane people to be found in that field, its just that the rate of people with conditions is substantially higher than the population's average.
+One Billion! (did I win?)
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Look for me on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook or Tic Toc...or anywhere you may frequent, besides SimHq, on the Global Scam Net. Aka, the internet. I am not there, never have been or ever will be, but the fruitless search may be more gratifying then the "content" you might otherwise be exposed to.
"There's a sucker born every minute." Phineas Taylor Barnum
So, my question is, should I play hardball with this woman, or go at it more gently? She threatened suicide (unfair I know) and also lost the best part of 35 pounds until I started to speak to her again. Seems she just don't get it. I think she is bordering on obsessed. This whole thing has also driven me to go on meds for hypertension, which I never had before. I'm somewhat upset about this now. (Obviously).
the best advise I can give you, is to receive her, talk to her and try to be as supportive as you can, she is not taking it easy and you should try as best as you can to get over it and recover her balance.
you should also have someone from your family with you when you meet her.
Originally Posted by PanzerMeyer
If you don't mind, I need to ask a rather blunt question.
Are you sure her motivation for being interested in you from the beginning was genuine? By that I mean she wasn't just trying to find a Westerner so she could live the good life?
a callous, bigoted and stupid thing to say, you should be ashamed. That was uncalled for. You took a reasonable point and made it into something it wasn’t.
she can apply for a visa in Australia and work there, I am sure she is not having a crisis like that because she need a visa.
a callous, bigoted and stupid thing to say, you should be ashamed.
Seriously???...Seriously????
Oh, I guess you are from the generation who quake in fear from words they don't want to hear!
Well, keep on quakin/quackin/cluckin. You may want to stake out a spot on your spread; maybe a soundproof closet, a little corner with a blankie, or something.
MY personal bet is that gender/bending/fear mongering politics might just get a little un-PC, especially here in the USA.
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Look for me on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook or Tic Toc...or anywhere you may frequent, besides SimHq, on the Global Scam Net. Aka, the internet. I am not there, never have been or ever will be, but the fruitless search may be more gratifying then the "content" you might otherwise be exposed to.
"There's a sucker born every minute." Phineas Taylor Barnum
C'mon guys, let's keep this thing nice and friendly. Well, I have actually managed to knock together a solution.
I have spoken to my current lady (who is VERY understanding) and she doesn't mind my ex coming here so I can let her down easy from this. You have to understand, my ex only dated one guy before me, and he was a prick to her. She feels that she will never find another good man.
I told her today about the new GF, she said she hopes this woman realizes how lucky she is.
Me, I never want to upset anybody. I know it's probably weak of me, but I hate to upset people, that's just who I am.
Anyway, my ex is an attractive woman who owns a restaurant in Bali, so personally I don't think it'll be too long before she finds a decent Western guy, and forgets all about me. :-)
Kindest regards,
AJ
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete." - The Art of War - Sun Tzu
Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 121,390PanzerMeyer
Pro-Consul of Florida
PanzerMeyer
Pro-Consul of Florida
King Crimson - SimHQ's Top Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 121,390
Miami, FL USA
I guess I must have "triggered" Tom! It's ok. Knowing his past political posting history on this site it doesn't surprise me.
“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
Kurt Meyer (23 December 1910 – 23 December 1961) was an SS commander and war criminal of Nazi Germany. In World War II, he served in the Waffen-SS.
maybe it is time for you to change your nickname.
There was a member here with the name “joe Stalin”. You actually think he was a Communist?
Anyway, nice deflection attempt. If you want to post political topics we have the PWEC so keep your climate change junk out of community hall.
“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
"Stalin" ? I don't know - probably yes, was there ever a "Joseph Mengele" here? he probably was a Nazi , I would not go around with a filthy nickname like that.
by the way, Panzemayer, what exactly is the reason why you choose that nickname? the guy was a War Criminal.
there are some Nazi Luftwaffe aces that served honorably in the new Luftwaffe after the war, those without war crimes to their record,
use a nickname like that and you still can get a nice "Teutonic" tang without the awful Nazi condiment to spoil the broth.
FYI for the folks wondering about the word d@mn and its variants getting filtered.
D@mn, in and of itself has uses that are not offensive to very many people. Note, however, that SimHQs filter can not differentiate between that and it being combined with God, which was offensive to enough people to warrant putting it in the filter list. The filter is not sophisticated enough to provide a clever work-around.
Hopefully, everyone can continue to find ways to get their point(s) across in spite of it.