Bit of a release maybe, might get some crap out writing it all down:)

2008 i left my wife, couldn't live with her anymore. Too many head issues she just couldn't resolve and i was done trying to work it out with her after 14 odd years together. She was the 0-100 type person in nearly every situation, used alcohol in the wrong way that did actually get resolved (AA)when i finally told her i was done with it in about 2005 and something had to be done about her drinking. Always managed to be involved in some drama with family or friends, mostly through what i would put down to her social ineptness and just total lack of boundaries (not sexually) in everday situations. Common sense, very little.

Our deal was always, i work, she looks after the kids during the day, we save and do something in the future, small business or whatever. All she wanted was kids, not the working type..sounds like a chained to the kitchen 50's scenario lol. Enter day drinking, smoking weed, frivolous money spending. Constant argueing, resentment built hugely. Everytime it seemed worked out it wasn't. Head meet brick wall. For years. We even did the counselling stuff, talking with him alone though and he knew i was at the end of my rope and really wasn't looking for a fix, more a way to make the best of a bad situation.

2008-10 was the hardest time i've ever had, walking away from the kids(3), our house and everything in it. Worked it out with the kids over time, who i felt i was leaving a lot more than the wife. They kept me there for years after i didn't want to be. If there were no kids it would have been the easiest walk away ever, house and contents are just stuff.

The in between time from 2010 until Dec 2017 i hooked up with another lady, seperate houses, take it slow...see how it goes. The ex moved 60 Ks away, i got the kids every second weekend plus picked them up randomly for movies. Had them for holidays and any other time i could. Kept a fuel company alive by myself with the constant trips:)

She went back to party time and drinking until she got ovarian cancer in 2012, chemo, operations, all the stress and emotion that goes with it. Kids were devastated obviously. 2012 to '17 was sprinkled with plenty of drama, still, even with cancer which one would think would be the main focus. Late night and early morning calls with her off her face on a smorgasboard of drugs, that i thought was alcohol. Plenty of money had gone out to her for the kids pre cancer that i had cut back when i realised she was pissing it up the wall.

Finally in Dec last year i had to make a choice about the kids. I was never going to run them through the possible horror of a custody battle and also never seperate the kids from each other. Her mum has a lot of money and no way i could fight that. Her mum and i have a decent relationship but i don't think i could call on her regards taking the kids of her daughter.

So by now the ex is totally drug dependent. After speaking to the ex and her mum about me moving in to the exes and sorting it all out(not our relationship), i quit my job, had a terrible time calling it off with the lady i had by now completely fallen for and moved 60k's to be the exes to see what i could do. Mainly to be a fulltime Dad to the kids who were going through hell.

Once i'm out here i get to see the full extent of the situation. She is addicted to Oxycontin, lyrica, serapax and endep. Pretend you're next level drunk for months on end, worse than that. She still had moments, sometimes string a couple of days together of clarity but then would binge again. As before, everything is everyone elses fault, it's not fair, i'll try, i promise. All empty bs.

Her days consisted of 6 and more 45 minute to 1 hour sleeps, watching screamy reality shows, doctors visits for drugs, eating snacks(junk) buying crappy sh/t off the net and the same cycle for the night with maybe a three hour sleep at the most. Has no care for night or day and noise or any concern except what she is doing at that moment.

She is living like a pig, room is disgusting, every area she makes her own is. No care or pride at all. It's like all the issues i left her over are mega magnified. The dog has been pissing on the carpet in the room for f knows how long. The kids have just been going with the flow pretty much, elder daughter has hardly been home, just escaping the whole mess. Youngest one had started dropping out of school, being allowed to stay at home through laziness, lack of motivation, depressing home life. My lad spent a lot of his time with me.

Honestly i just never thought it was as bad as it was until i experienced it. Our contact was me picking up, dropping off or some rambling phone call about a drama. She had a guy since 2010ish to mid 2017 who seemed ok, turned out he was a bit of a pillhead and also lazy and unmotivated. So the cleanup began.

Took a week to get the house to a normal standard. Food in the cupboard was up to 7 years old, seriously. More clothes, shoes and just utter crap bought online than you could wear in two lifetimes. Just thousands and thousands of dollars, donated most of it. Threw out two trailer loads of crap.

By January i have a handle on doctors, physchologists, physiotherapist, neurologist and whatever else, i forget now she has been missing the bulk of what she is meant to be doing. I get a grip on her medications, the Lyrica is by far the worst so it's gone. I make a pill time, 9.30 nights and 7 for mornings, under the prescribed amount by the doctor as she is milking it.

February she is in with physio and physch every week, talked to the principal and my daughters teachers, house is clean, comfortable, food in cupboards, dinners every night, that she misses a lot, the kids are loving it though. She keeps on falling off the wagon taking extra pills, hiding tabs of them, still has stashes i don't know about. I'll hear noises at any time of the night and come outside and she will be surrounded by spilt tea, junk food, asleep on the outside couch. It's that scene in a movie where you just shake your head and go..wtf. This happened weekly sometimes three times a week up until about 3 months ago when i finally snapped and spoke to her like you would a totally out of line selfish teen. Since then she hasn't had a big moment, just many, many small ones.

Since Dec i have no earnings coming in so have been back and forth applying for carers as it has turned into my new job basically. Besides the pill issue, she has nerve issues (CIPN) from one of the cancer surgeries and an overall brain degrade...although i wonder if that's a pill thing owing to the moments of clarity when she is 'clean' As of now she she will not be able to hold down any sort of physical job and due to her lack of social boundaries, 0-100 demeanour and life isn't fair attitude i doubt her in any sort of role. Yes, i still hold a ton of resentment towards her.

Fast forward to today. She just came down from a three day serapax, oxy binge and i have zero total faith in her actually wanting to dig herself out of the hole. The tablets are all in a safe that she doesn't know the combination to and will not be allowed in. I did the talk again, her Mum has been involved a lot as well, and said she is on her last legs or we are looking at rehab. That's a whole 'nother story, rehab isn't so simple in a situation like this as movies seem to imply. I've sussed out all the options over the last six months, there isn't a lot of help out there once you get into all of her issues.

She is pretty good at pulling a sob story and pushing guilt and inaction onto other people and making it appear as if she is doing all she can. Her physch picked up on this fairly quickly which impressed me because i thought he was going to be another 'yesyes poor you' type of guy.

It isn't all a tale of woe though my youngest is now top of class in most subjects, her and i exercise at the park after school every day for an hour and she is just a delight to be around. Her confidence has soared and she has a goal, marine bioligy. My eldest daughter is going through group counselling with other teenagers although is struggling to find her place in the world. She has had a lot put on her by her mum that she never should have and struggled with the divorce for a long time. We've got most of that behind us but she will be a bit longer until she finds her feet. My lad is my lad, stuff bounces off him pretty well and he talks about things with me, we're pretty solid.

I have the house half packed at the moment waiting to move every one somewhere new. I cannot wait for my own bed again as i've been having the worst broken sleeps on my couch for the last7 months. My back hates me hardcore. Amongst all this i am building a 1/35 Tiger tank just to get an hour of peace every day and jumping on game so i can kill someone, repeatedly

I know it's nearly a book, i left half of it out, lots of lies, trying to push the kids away, so much stupid sh/t that just makes you shake your head. Anyone who made it this far congrats and thanks for letting me have a brain wash. Funny how life goes huh, hopefully in another year or so things will be looking up. Just got to hang in there until the kids can move on with their lives and then i can go and refind mine.

Good for you Ajay.

Brave man.

Hang in there Ajay. Seems you are strong and committed to your children. Good luck with employment. Hard to take care of the kids without money. You can’t take of them properly if you aren’t providing for yourself.

Been watching your build. I made that same kit a long time ago but without the same level of skill and patience you are showing.

Wow. Life can be hell, man. I like to tell folks, "we play the cards we're dealt in life, and don't get to put them back and draw again." Wherever the dice lays is where you go from. You're doing that. Stay strong.

All the best Ajay. Lad to hear the kids are doing alright. Any way to take them full-time and leave her to her own drama?

That sucks man, I recall back in 2008 or so you making big life changes AJ

Sorry to hear about your children's mom, she could be self medicating herself for mental health issues. This is all too common and our province has recognized the need for facilities to meet the needs of people who are dealing with mental health issues through self medication. Theo Fleury (former professional hockey player) said it well when he said ' I was self medicating a mental health issue I never knew I had.' Or perhaps there has been a diagnosis for your ex

Good to hear about your children, kids can be so resilient.

One of the biggest challenges for families when there are in chronic crisis or dysfunction is the social isolation, it can be that the worse the situation gets the more isolated a family can become.

Keep it up Ajay you are doing the right thing by connecting with your children, any positive connection your children have the stronger and healthier they will be. Isolation is addressed through connectiveness (which is not even a real word lol)

Issues caused by trauma are most effectively addressed in the home, if that home can provide a safe, nurturing home environment. This can be more effective than counseling, though counseling can be beneficial as well. You are doing well for your children by connecting with them and this should allow them to make long term positive change in their lives

All the respect to you ajay .

Yes, nothing but respect for you ajay. You manned up for your kids.

It takes a lot of bravery to open one's scars for others to examine, and it's an honor that you would think us worthy enough for the task.

Much respect Ajay. It is a good thing you are sharing your story, I think that it can help you from becoming burned out. I can tell you that there are many people dealing with issues like yours. It takes guts and strength.Keep up the good fight.

I would also like to say, with all the attention given to the opiod "crisis", there is not nearly enough attention given to the problems drugs like Lyrica are causing. I have seen and read about how it is very addictive and the withdrawals from it are way worse than opiods. This is drug and it's affects on people need more attention.

Again, I wish you luck.

Hang in there. Do your best for your kids.

Your doing great, especially with your kids. Drug addiction and mental health issues, are a nightmare. We are dealing with my son, 17, who has problems with both. Day by day.

So much good vibes, advice and respect. Heartwarming, thank you all. I know everyone has their own battles through life, and i'm glad i could open up mine with this fine group.

Just got the nod on the new place today so we are moving to a much better and bigger house starting Friday! Hoping for a fresh start for all, the kids are over the moon, going to have to put the Tiger on hold for a week or two At least every one should be to busy to worry about much, idle hands and all that.

Much appreciated guys.

Family mojo otw!

Some people dont want to be save/helped. Protect those you can from those you cant. I wish you all the luck going forward!

Been there...

Someone asked why divorces were so expensive. My response, "Don't know, but worth every penny!"

Stay strong for the kids! Even those that don't appreciate it when they're in the thick of it... they will realize your efforts someday...

Hang in there, Ajay!

I have experienced something similar with my brother. He’s 40 now, I’m 33. Looong story, but he’s been addicted to alcohol and worse for at least 10-12 years. It tipped over the edge after Dad died in 2008, and he ended up scamming my mother out of God knows how much money over the years, crashing her car and whatnot. Mom wasn’t mentalt strong enough to deal with this, so she just ended up as an enabler. The worst bit is that he has a daughter, now 10. The last time I saw him was my 30th birthday, when I borrowed the house when my mother was on vacation, to have a small party. He lived there at the time, but had agreed to stay at a friend’s place for a few days. I arrive an hour before the guests, finding the place in a complete shambles after one of his binges with his equally useless friends, and having to clean up. I am pretty pissed at him, and at Mom for not being able to do anything. So, as usual for an addict, he bladenes everything on me, and comes storming in in an alcohol-induced rage threatening to kill me. So I finally go «F this crap, I am done with him being a complete asswipe and treating everyone around him like this» and call the police. Best decision ever. It has taken until now, but he has been forced to take responsibility for his actions, and is now as far as I know sober and drug-free. Best of all, he’s no longer taking advantage of everyone around him. He blew hundreds of thousands of my mother’s money. Not anymore.

The moral of this rather long-winded story - sorry about that - is that in my experience, you can’t force people to seek treatment. They have to realize they have a problem and want to help themselves.

Wow. Glad things are working out for you Ajay, and also semmern.

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If the dentist tells me tomorrow after my cleaning and checkup that I need some drilling, I might get wood! That's how much I love gas, or anything that gets me high or buzzed. Otherwise, I won't give in to it, I have too much to lose.

I think people with addicting personalities are always going to be addicted to *something*. I choose a much healthier 'addiction' today that keeps me eating right, exercising and off booze almost completely (a rare moderate treat on some concert nights). Although having an addictive/compulsive personality is obviously a personality defect, it can work for you if you keep your addiction(s) positive.

Ha! Yeah mine ended up costing me rather a lot monetary wise but that side just didn't bother me really. Worth it for my mental well being that was for damn sure.


Sounds like many people i've met on the life Journey Semmern, hopefully you guys can work it out. Alcohol is the absolute pits when it has a hold on someone, hard to let go of resentment as well, i find anyway. Good luck man

MarkG, yes she definitely has an addictive personality. Alcohol, weed, cigarettes, shiny consumer items. She binges everything whether it be a tv series, a book, chocolate..drugs. Nothing ever in moderation unfortunately, tried many times over the years to introduce fitness, good eating, good sleeping habits but it always only ever lasts a week..maybe two at the most and she bails on it. After so many years of trying you just sort of give and go well damn..you don't want to help yourself and you won't let me help you so go do what you do and i'll do what i do.

Good luck at the dentist Woody

Well, I guess I asked for it. I'm getting drilled on next month on the 15th, and not even for a cavity. I've developed a weird ridge on the gum line of a couple of upper molars (outside of tooth, opposite each other). He's going to drill them out a bit and fill them, a 45 min. procedure. Bah.

I haven't decided if I'm going to stick with the same ol' Dark Side of the Moon or try being gassed to something different, but I usually stick with what works for me.

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I also have a problem with moderation and it sucks. A simple example is cleaning the car, or as my wife says, "Let's just knock some dirt off." I can't do that. If I'm going to clean the car, that sucker is going to look almost showroom new, inside and out. And if I don't have time to do that, then I'd just as well drive a dirty car. Wife doesn't get my all or nothing attitude. Same with the house, which especially causes problems (I have to either be a slob or neat freak, no middle ground). It's stupid, as is being a perfectionist with the unimportant things in life, wasting so much time with no concept of diminishing returns.

I had an aunt and uncle visit not long ago, showing them our house including my man cave bedroom. She noticed that all my little airplanes and everything else were perfectly aligned (but at various angles). I told her (maybe exaggerating a bit) that if someone sat at my computer desk and moved my mouse just a fraction of an inch, I'd probably notice. She thinks I have at least mild OCD.

Another example, years back with scanning the EF2000 and F-22 TAW Strategy Guides. I think it was mikew who understandably grew tired a waiting and suggested that I make 'imperfect copies' and then I could spend all the time I wanted making the 'perfect copies' that I was trying for. So that's what I did, and then later gave up on making those perfect copies because I was never satisfied with the PDF output. If I'd done it my way, I'd still have nothing.

I'm rambling now. But to summarize, I think it's easy for people with these disorders (myself included) to fall into ruts. All or nothing attitude isn't healthy (even with physical health) because you'll just keep failing. Also, telling your misses that she looks great, but that she might want to work on this or that, also not healthy. And lastly, some things are *suppose* to be a little messy, that's what makes them fun! I'm still learning.

For an addict either drugs or alcohol recovery is a blessing..You have to want it and be humble enough to accept help from others and it's out there if you look and in return you become able to lend a hand to others ..In the end it's a decision the person has to make ,,nobody can convince them to ask for help..It's a hard road but in the end less hard than the down ward spiral of addiction..Took me a long time but 25 years clean and still living each day as it comes..
Ajay you are doing the right thing by manning up and getting your kids out of that environment before they get dragged down into it..I sure it will work out for the best for all of you

Ajay, you have my admiration, keeping focused on your children and helping your ex as much as she allows. I wish I had some brilliant solution, but I think you are wise and strong and will do what is best for all.
Rick