1. Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

2. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

3. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

4. Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

5. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

6. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

7. An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan!
He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well!
Prophets are going through the roof!

8. Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so
fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

The last one shows hoe much we depend on technology these days... All that is needed is to actually tell the last joke to your wife and you won't see her mouth open... for a week. That's not the only part that will be "closed for business", but hey, you gotta break some eggs, right?

#3 is fantastic.

LOL, great stuff Bill.

All great

All hilarious, but #4 has a certain charm.

Good stuff!

LOL
I wish I could remember all of your jokes.

Here's another one:

My wife went missing last week.
Today the police came round and told me to expect the worst so I went down to the charity shop and asked to have her clothes back.

That's just so wrong and so funny at the same time.

Man comes home to his girlfriend and says "here are some flowers for you dear" - she says "I suppose you now want me to spread my legs" - he yells, "what, you don't have vase"

Funny stuff Bill.


Wheels

Whataya get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?..............about halfway.