Hi guys- bit of a depressed Komemiute here...

As per title- Have you ever had to split the family because your work and the family needs diverged?

We're going through tough stuff, nothing "dangerous" as the marriage is strong and all, just kids needs to go to a school far enough from where I work now, that would require me to waste nearly 4 hours on the street (a road that in winter is usually REALLY crappy- Icing and heavy fog) with a fuel bill equal to the GDP of a small country.

Family would move "there", while I'd get a cheap-o rent-a-room (really REALLY cheap-. i.e.: No internet of course) close to workplace. I'd see them just during week-end.

There's little I value more than the noisy mess of the kids when I come back home.

But if the family Man doesn't take some sacrifice- who should? Right?

The really bad thing is- I have no idea how long this would last.
I'm a bit scared. Any suggestion?

Peace,
Kome.

We have a consultant here in Office who's from London, and flys home every weekend. But that's for three months.

The more common setup would be for the kids to be at an boarding house somewhere? Depends on their age of course.

They're too small. Three and one.

I think the dichotomy is the phrases "kids need to go to school" and "They're too small. Three and one" don't seem to jive.

Can't you put them somewhere else? Can't they go anywhere else other than there? It seems an awful large sacrifice to make (personally and financially) for something that is of questionable value at that age. Mine are 6 (as of last Friday) and 3.5 and them going to school before the older one started kindergarten was a luxury, not a necessity.



The Jedi Master

Probably I need to do some clarification. I just didn't think to bother with too many details.

The older girl is soon turning Four, actually and we have to introduce her into Pre-school. Of course the other is too small for that, he will turn two in June.

Truth spoken is, wife has a thing for a particular kind of education (to which I agree completely- specially after been through state-run kindergarden/pre school), we're into this together.

Here we're not really discussing alternatives to the "Splitting-Up" problem- let's say I just look for some written courage.

Or- dunno. It's not like I don't appreciate. Don't get me wrong. I just want to give my kids the best they can get.
That sorta thing.

I read quite a few articles recently on the problems of too much pressure on parents to provide the best education for their kids, and also parents doing themselves too much pressure...

I.e., does a specific Pre-School really justify the hassle? Or is it a case of not going to the right school afterwards unless you already start there?

It's a school that will last for a lot. From pre-school to prepare the kids for high-school.

I guess you, RSColonel might even know about it- It's a Waldorf kind of school. Without the religious side.

No kids around so my experience may not be completely relevant. Nonetheless happily married for a little over 10 years.

Work has frequently taken me away from my wife, generally for periods lasting at least 6 months, and a minimum of 3 hrs flight to get myself where I belong.

Hated every single day of it, no matter the "hardship" bonuses and free plane tickets.
The key word is "belong", either you do or you don't, and it makes all the difference.

Looking back, absolutely not worth it.

Cheers,
Slug

Ah okay... yes I know that, though I admit we do sometimes make fun of the "esoterics" that seem to surround the pure Waldorf concept.

I think you'll hate it, and yet your job isn't anyway likely to move, and too nice to give up I assume.

Is there any way you can telework - how much paper work and how much physical work are you performing? Maybe an agreement with your employeer for one homeoffice day a week?

Ugh, unfortunately there's no such chance...

My job is to be on site to provide maintenance at Simulator's equipment.

About Waldorf, this school is- dunno cooler- than that.
Having had a talk with teachers and principal, it's much more down to earth- it's a solid system, friendly and actually MUCH better than the state run thing...
Details are pointless- I wouldn't want anything different for my kids. It's is really a great place.

*sigh*

We'll see.

I guess the fundamental question is if you think your kids are better off going to this preschool than in having both parents around every day.

I know what my answer is, because I'll tell you right now they don't remember half of what they do or learn at that age. It's better to go to a preschool than a day care, hands down. However, when studies show that all those years before kindergarten make no difference by 3rd grade, it's more about the parents than the kids.
Now if you can send them to a better place and it takes nothing but money that you can afford to spend, why not? But to leave them with only one parent for a majority of the week?

I'll just say I strongly disagree that any preschool is worth toddlers not having both parents around. Not every sacrifice makes sense.



The Jedi Master

^ That was my point too but if I understand Kome right then that Preschool is the necessary entry into the alternate school concept he's looking for, so he can't make that step any later.

I agree and to some extend I'd love to keep the family united...

Well, we've still some talk to do with the wife.
We'll see...

Thanks for honesty and inputs. Much appreciated.

Let me begin saying this is your family and only you and your wife know what's best. I would never presume to know better, I only know my family and my experience.
That said, IMO, people put entirely too much emphasis on kindergarten and pre-school. It's great to give them the best start you can, but it doesn't determine how the rest of their schooling is going to go.
Kids mature at different rates and grasp the concepts presented to them, especially at those ages, very differently. Some kids can barely read going into 1st grade, some kids can barely understand numbers for basic addition until a year after their peers. It's individual development, not the school. Any experienced teacher will tell you that. At those ages, encouragement, a positive attitude and excitement about learning in general is more important than the "data" absorbed.

My son (now 15, in 9th grade) went to a high dollar educational environment for pre-school. They were staffed entirely by retired teachers, no one less than a Masters in education and run by a nun. Took a computer class once a week, he could type 14 wpm at 4 years old--with proper technique. He still repeated kindergarten due to simply not being at a developmental maturity to grasp math and reading comprehension. Nothing against him, he didn't fail, he just wasn't ready.
With my daughter (now 9, in 4th grade), we learned from that experience and she went to pre-school at the same daycare that she had been at since she was a baby. They had a curriculum, but it was less of an educational environment. But they LOVED KIDS. Knowing her for so long, she had a special place there. More nurturing than educational by far. She moved on just fine, easier than my son, and grasped things at a different (faster) rate than he did. She had far more confidence, even if less exposure to educational material and experienced teachers, and that continues to serve her well. Plus, she got to enjoy the age more. They're different kids and they say girls mature faster than boys in general, but she wasn't held back by being in less of an educational environment early on. She's even had many of the same teachers since then, and the same school principal.

If it were me, and it isn't, I think keeping the family tight is far more important. Not to mention being a single mother 4-5 days a week, the hectic part of the week, with young kids, is going to be hard. Being away is going to be hard on you. That may introduce a major stress on your relationship that you don't have now. Even as a regular couple with 2 kids, even 1 kid, it can be hard to be a couple and not just "mom and dad". You need time as a couple, time after the kids are in bed to turn off parent mode and be a couple. Even getting home late, you will have more time to be Dad and also a husband. I have come to the conclusion that being just "mom and dad" can ruin a marriage--you also have to have time as husband and wife. That can't wait until the kids are grown. I believe that with everything I've got.
I guess there's no easy answer, and I don't envy your position because I know you're trying to be responsible and do the best for your family. I hope a 3rd option presents itself. I wish you and your family the best regardless, and I hope you don't see this as criticism but just something to consider. Maybe after doing what you feel you have to do more options will come clear, either way you go with this.

Is it just me or does it seem like kids are starting to go to pre-school at ever younger ages? What's causing this trend?

Why cannot you and the wife supplement what the kids get in govt provided school?

Komemiute:
Only you and your family can provide your set of answers. A few considerations:
Jedi Master makes some good points. Plus you have to consider the particular family dynamics.
I knew I'd spend a lot of time away from home with my profession. I married a strong woman who could deal with the sink overflows, write out the checks, etc. (I was the only wage-earner.)
The hotel rooms and apartments were OK for me, though lonely. I knew I could survive and she and kid could do well on their own. Remember, no cell phones, no MSN messenger or Skype those days. We had to move to a different city in the middle of kid's first year of school. That was traumatic; grades, attitude suffered.
And gee, that was done for family progress, not just my own. Against wife wishes and hopes, he was put into public school. I went through public schools. But that was in a state where the schools were good, not in one that ranks in the bottom-five in the nation like Texas. My mistake.
The problem comes when you come home and want to be with the kids, and be a couple too. - As Jedi Master put it. And sometimes you just want to put your feet up at home and read and unwind rather than cut the grass. All very important.
The roles of head of house and family head sometimes conflict with two alpha personalities. The kids go to the one at-home-the-most for the cuts, bruises, school guidance, problems and triumphs. (No matter how much you want to help, even better capable of helping.) The other is sometimes another person in the home who shows up on weekends or stays for two -three days, plays with you then but can't be counted on to make the weekends or know the house rules as the child sees them. And then he goes away. Even the child's sex matters, with a child subconsciously deciding very early he's the alpha male most of the time.
The job can surprise you and move, or you be reassigned, or the home environment can change, new zoning, new roads, etc.
I hope it all works out for you and yours. Not an easy road sometimes.

Best suggestion yet.

This school must have some sort of online access?

You'll both have to get over the 'must have my children in that school' thing but having two loving parents in the family home is best, I reckon.

Anyway, good luck whatever you choose.

I did the long distance from home job for a couple of years, eventually it led to the break-up of the family. I couldn't guarantee I would be home every weekend, couldn't even guarantee I would be home once a month. Ah well it is done now and in the past.

As for kids and school, here my grandson has just turned 4 and he is now on his second year at school, my youngest son will be 18 in a few weeks and he is still at high school, my youngest daughter is now 24 and has just finished her master's degree at uni.

I'll just say this as my dad wasnt home much, 12 hr day shifts, so whilst he did came home everyday .. it was 7pm-8pm ish. Now the only thing i remember from my nursery/preschool is the sandpit next to the sink and the talking parrot on the PC, but i can remember dad not being around far more, he was there, but i was either in bed or inside, so all my memory's of that period dont have him in, or with him telling us its time to stop playing and get to bed.

As has been said, your family, your decision, but just an other angle to consider when making a decision.


Course, the best thing would be to get a new job in the area, but i've guessed you've looked into that already