I'll start: "sweet configurative fanny logs!". Try using that next time when you want to curse.

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!

"My hair is messed up because I'm wearing pants..."

Not so much an expression but a term - a friend always used to refer to engine coolant as "radiator fluid" so I started calling gasoline "carburetor fluid." "That's stupid," he said. LOL

"I'm so hungry my A-hole's trying to eat my underwear!"

"Smells worse than an anchovy skunk."

My wife is fond of...

S**T on a mother F****R!

Whomperjawed.

Pre-xactly.

Since playing Dayz, "Family Aggro" and "Wife Aggro" have worked themseleves into my volcabulary.

At work, I have used the old Falcon vernacular, " in 3-4 weeks". It has gotten me out of quite a few ETA projections.

Tighter than a mosquito's ass stretched over a rain barrel.

I worked for a guy from Michigan about 35 years back who, when faced with a puzzling or surprizing situtaion, would say that he didn't know whether to "sh1t or go blind" it never made sense to me

"Good Googamugga"

What exactly does "aggro" mean?

all over it, like a tramp on chips.

I believe it is a shortened version of aggravation.

Yeah, and an MMORPG (think World of Warcraft, if you don't know what MMORPG is) term for when enemies start attacking you.

The word 'aggro' first came in to usage I think in the days of the Skinheads (late 60's) pertaining to football crowd violence

Takes a lot to beat us Welsh twps mind !

rewind it forward will ew

It's a five minute walk if you run

who's coat is that jacket

I'm over by here not over by there !

Where are you to?

"N..e..v...a" ( "never" said astonishingly)

"Ferrets, free to a good home. £5 each"

See those two houses by there? I live in the middle one

I'm bad in bed under the doctor

Are you reading that paper you are sitting on ?

dont blame me if you wake up dead !

I'm working nights for the next four days

"Ill be there now in a minite"

I don't mind waiting but I hate hanging about.

Where was you going, when I seen you coming back?

I'm not laughing, i'm serious!

There it was - gone !

Back when I was in college, we'd have Northerners come thwacking down South for school like a June bug hitting a screen door and, after having their preconceptions of Dixie scrambled quicker than a Waffle House order, would try to adopt Southernisms. We, naturally, looked forward to this like a turtle to a sunny log.

The best was "[anything] like a possum."

We never let on that it was a politician's smile - just like polk salad, poisonous and undigestable until boiled and drained three times - and gently grinned each time it was used.

LOL Epic.

"I got to see a man about a dog" = I need to go urinate

"Shagnasty"

Things I type when playing mp games:

"Its a cornucopia of madness"

"You all are a bunch of cowards and I'm fixin' to have me a coward salad"

Weird,I sat at the breakfast table this morning and thought, "The blindest man in the world is one who looks at himself",sometimes I wonder.

Any line in any film or TV show which says "Here goes nothing" before attempting to pull off a stunt, i.e., when Billy D. Williams in Return of the Jedi says "Here goes nothing" when they attack the Death Star.

That canned line makes no literal sense under any context, but the audience knows what it means: "Here goes something, but let's keep expectations low." Only the protagonists and heroes of the story may say it, Darth Vader never will say "Here goes nothing" when slaughtering rebels or blowing up planets. Furthermore, you virtually never see a plan fail when these words are uttered beforehand.

It ain't like it used to was.

A fellow that used to work for me smashed his thumb really badly with a hammer one day. He turned pale white, then red as he clutched his hand. After a while he looked up at me and said "That hurt too bad to cuss."

Another phrase he liked was 'slicker than owl grease'.

"I've got him colder than a six-pack of Bud in Santa's workshop!"

"Oh, boy. It's on like third graders on cake!"

You Classhole!!

I would if I could but I can't so I won't (my own)

5th and ja'bip

Reschke used one in DayZ last night, "It's raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock!"

Spiritual phimosis!

I always liked, "More lost than a one-legged man in an asskicking contest"
Or, "More F**ked up than Hogan's Goat!".....though I've never seen Hogan's goat.

"He couldn`t hit a cows @rse with a banjo "

The wind is blowing so hard, you could fry an egg on the sidewalk.

My favorite "Southernism", "Shaking like a hound sh1ttin' a peach seed."

"Don't let your mouth write a check your ass can't cash!"
"That kid's got the I.Q. of a speedbump."
"Wow! She's so ugly, it looks like her face caught fire and somebody tried to put it out with an ax!"

I can do you one better; "slicker'n two eels in a bucket o' snot"