That does it! I'll have to be institutionalized!
The chaotic energy vampires gave us some eggs from the chickens they raise. Like fools, we took them.
The Lioness has just now made a reluctant admission.
These people had a cockroach problem in their home. They couldn't seem to solve it, even when handed foolproof advice.
We were talking about that when I said, "What if she decided that cockroaches were protein and fed them to her chickens?"
I thought I was being funny. Maybe a little gross.
The Lioness then said, "Well, I didn't want to tell you, but..."
At this point, the alarms began going off. Bad, urgent alarms.
"What do you mean? Tell me what? What is it?" I demanded with a rising sense of panic.
"She did," The Lioness told me.
"Did what? NO! She didn't!"
"Yes, she fed cockroaches to her chickens. She said they gave them the first batch and the chickens wolfed them down. They ate so many they couldn't eat any more when they gave them the second batch!"
"God in Heaven woman! This was AFTER
she gave us eggs wasn't
it!?!?!?" I queried with madness rising within me like Godzilla conjured from Tokyo Bay.
"No. She didn't tell me until afterwards. I didn't know. I gave you some of those eggs the other morning," The Lioness confessed. "I didn't know. She didn't tell me until after we'd eaten them," she said timidly, expecting me to froth at the mouth and turn into a werewolf immediately.
"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS WRONG WITH HER??? SHE FED US EGGS FROM CHICKENS GORGED ON COCKROACHES???" I shouted. You may have heard me if you were listening. And it doesn't matter where you are.
The Lioness just nodded, and then started laughing uncontrollably. "I didn't want to tell you," she managed amidst her frantic, spiraling-toward-madness laughter. "I was afraid you'd do something to her!" More laughter.
"What exactly do you find funny here woman?" Her laughter intensified. The Lioness was now unable to breathe. She couldn't look at me or her windpipe would seize up from mirth run amok.
"The shells were green!" she exclaimed amidst tears. "I wondered why the shells were green!" and that was the last sane thing I heard from The Lioness.
Henceforth, I forbid this woman who gave us the eggs to come anywhere near here. If she comes here, I'm going to put her in a feed sack with a cinderblock and throw her in the pond. I might put hungry rats in the sack with her.
What kind of demented, depraved sorceress
would deliberately feed people cockroach chicken eggs and think nothing of it???
That's it! I've had it! I'm mining the friggin' driveway!
Where the hell did these people come from? How did they get into my life?
The kids. That's where. The kids know each other from school.
That's it, my kids are leaving public school immediately and attending a private school where people don't nonchalantly feed cockroaches to chickens.
I don't think my gag reflex is ever going to calm down. I sound like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I can't stop gagging.
This is just...just too much! Freaks! Mutants! Call me an exorcist!
GOD HELP ME! I HAVE EATEN COCKROACHED EGGS!