I think I posted this several years ago. Tis funny enough for a repost though
The Alternative Aviation Dictionary
180-degree turn: A sometimes difficult manoeuvre to perform precisely; the degree of difficulty is usually determined by the size of the pilot’s ego.
Aerial: That part of the aircraft most frequently broken off during the walk-around pre-flight inspection that pilots do to see of anything is broken off.
Aileron: A hinged control surface on the wing that scares airline passengers when it moves.
Aerofoil:
1)Sword used for duelling in flight. Often used to settle disputes between crew members and passengers.
2)What pilots wrap their sandwiches in.
Air Mass: Impromptu religious service held on board an aircraft immediately following an announcement by the pilot that he is lost, having an engine problem, or running out of fuel.
Aeroplane: The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio, and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.
Airspeed:
1)The speed of an aeroplane through the air
2)True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. (Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot)
Airstrip: In-flight performance by exotic flight attendant.
Air Traffic Control Centre: A draughty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.
Alternate Airport: The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.
Angle of Attack: Pick-up lines that pilots use.
Arctic Frost: Attitude shown by uncooperative member of cabin crew. (See also ‘Horizontally opposed’)
Arresting gear: Police equipment used for keeping order at airport parties.
Aspect ratio: 36-24-36
Bail out: Pouring the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm.
Barrel roll: Unloading the beer for a hangar party.
Briefing: Spending a long time saying nothing. (See also ‘De-briefing’)
CAA: Committee Against Aviation
Caged gyro: No more docile than a wild gyro.
Caging the gyro: Easier with domestic species.
Captain:
1)Any airline pilot wearing four stripes on his sleeve; often found strolling down Lovers’ Lane holding his own hand.
2)Decorative dummy often found adorning the bridge of a ship.
(NB – the only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a co-pilot is a co-pilot who was once a captain)
Carburetor icing: A phenomenon that happens to pilots at exactly the same time they run out of fuel.
Chart: Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from food and beverage stains.
Chock: Pieces of wood the line boys slip in front of the wheels when the pilot isn’t looking.
Cockpit:
1)A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can’t find the airport in a rain storm.
2)Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he/she is.
Course: Popular alternate landing field marked by fairways and greens. Curiously, pilots who land here are said to be “off-course”.
Crab:
1)A technique used by pilots to compensate for crosswinds, usually without success.
2)Pilot who has just ground-looped after trying unsuccessfully to use this technique.
3)Pilot who has been unsuccessful in finding a suitable landing site.
Crash: To bed down for the night. What every pilot hopes to do once he has found a suitable landing site. (See also ‘Suitable landing site’)
De-briefing: Spending a lot of time saying nothing after you have done it. (See also ‘Briefing’)
De-icer: De person dat puts de ice on de wings.
Dead reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.
Dive: Pilots’ lounge or airport café.
Drag chute: Emergency escape slide near co-pilot’s window. Opens automatically if eccentric male captain shows up in women’s clothes.
Emergency generator: A device that generates emergencies. Also known as a simulator.
Engine failure: A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
Exceptional flying ability: Has equal number of take-offs and landings.
FAA: Fear And Alarm.
Final approach:
1)Last pass a pilot makes at the opposite sex before giving up.
2)Many a seasoned pilot’s last landing.
3)Many a student pilot’s first landing.
Flashlight: Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.
Flight instructor: Individual of dubious reputation, paid poor sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubts on the coordination, intelligence and ancestry of student pilots.
Flight plan: Scheme to get away from home to go flying.
Gear handle: The handle a pilot selects “down” as soon as he/she makes a gear-up landing.
Glide distance: Usually half the distance from an aeroplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
Glider: Formerly “aeroplane”, prior to running out of fuel.
Good landing: A landing from which you can walk away. (See also ‘Great landing’)
Great landing. A landing after which it is possible to reuse the aeroplane.
Grass strip: Often performed by exotic flight attendants while en route to Hawaii.
Gross weight:
1)A 350lbs pilot (See also ‘Split-S’)
2)Maximum permissible take-off weight plus two suitcases, ten cans of oil, four sleeping bags, eight cases of beer and the groceries.
Hangar: Home for anything that flies. Mostly birds.
Horizontally opposed: NO! (See also ‘Arctic frost’)
Hotel: How the letter ‘H’ is pronounced in the phonetic alphabet. Most often heard in intercom conversations between pilots and flight attendants.
Induced drag: When a male co-pilot is persuaded by a prankster female flight attendant to put on women’s clothes against his will.
Jet-assisted take-off:
1)A rapid take-off procedure used by general aviation pilots who find themselves taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747.
2)Take-off by pilots who ordered enchiladas for lunch at the airport coffee shop.
Judgement: A valued skill in aviation. Good judgement comes from someone else’s bad judgement. Learn from the mistakes of others, you won’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
Kilometre: A unit of measurement used on charts to further confuse pilots who already have trouble with knots.
Landing light: Preferable to landing heavy.
Lazy eight:
1)Well-known fly-in resort ranch.
2)The airport operator, his four mechanics and three line boys.
Log: A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.
Magneto: Not-very-famous Italian magician; “The Great Magneto”.
Mode: Term used by pilots in the Lafayette Escadrille during the Great War to describe what they had to land in during rainy weather.
Motor: A word used by student pilots when referring to an aircraft engine.
Navigation: The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to B, while actually trying to get to point C.
Parasitic drag: A fellow pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.
Pilot: A poor, misguided soul who talks about the opposite sex when they’re flying and flying when they’re with a member of the opposite sex.
Pitch: The story you give a wife/husband about needing an aeroplane to use in your business.
Prop wash:
1)Cleaning agent used by student pilots.
2)Pilot’s equivalent of “hogwash”.
Pylon: All aboard!
Radar: An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called ‘blips’, from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.
Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all the aircraft’s fuel tanks fill with air.
Roger:
1)The most popular name in radio.
2)Used when you’re not sure what else to say.
Runway: Place where exotic flight attendant starts her act. (See also ‘Airstrip’)
S-turns: The course flown by a student pilot from point A to point B.
Slip: Apparel worn by some pilots.
Split S: What happens to the trousers of overweight pilots. (See also ‘Gross weight’)
Spoilers: The Civil Aviation Authority/Federal Aviation Authority/spouse (delete as applicable). The least likely phrase to be heard on an airfield… “Hello, I’m from the FAA and I’m here to make your life easier.”
Stall: Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late, without admitting that you spent the money on flying.
Steep bank: Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest.
Stewardess: A pretty girl that asks you what you want, then straps you in so you can’t get it.
Suitable landing site: An attractive member of the opposite sex; suitability may sometimes be affected by arctic frost. (See also ‘Arctic frost’)
Tactics: What the instrument panel clock sounds like when it needs fixing.
Taildragger: An old pilot after a long flight.
Tailwind: Results from eating beans in the airport coffee shop; often causes oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.
Terminal Area Forecast (TAF): A horoscope with numbers.
Trim Tab:
1)A device that can fly the aeroplane better than the pilot
2)Popular diet beverage for fat pilots.
Useless: Something for which a pilot has no use. Examples include: Altitude above you, runway behind you, fuel in the bowser, approach planes in the car and the airspeed you don’t have.
Walkaround: Procedure used when waiting for better weather.
Wing strut: Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon getting out of training aircraft following first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at the student.
