another favorite of mine is to suddenly break out in the best smile you have, whenever your lady is most wound up in a hissy. when she asks what the heck you are smiling about, and she will, just tell her that you were remembering how angelicly beautiful she was on the day you married each other. Actual mileage may vary.

This thread has many wise words...Nothing is scarier than the "we have to talk" line though...If that's not a tactical nuke of a statement, I don't know what is....

A few observations about living with a woman:

1) When shopping for "feminine products" for the wife, please understand they use different words than we normally would in describing these products.

"Super" does not mean a product is superior to "Regular." They refer to size. Screw this up at your own peril.

2) You are accountable for your actions in their dreams. And no, you do not have an alibi.

3) No matter how solid the theta waves were coming from the deepest part of your brain at 0200, the answer to the question of "can you sleep?" is going to be a definate no. Because you can't from that moment on. And no, she didn't wake you up for sex. Or to talk. She just wanted to know if, like her, you were unable to sleep and were simply faking a comatose state.

that happened to me once when I was married. My ex dreamed that I was sleeping with a blonde with big boobs. She woke up mad at me and didn't talk to me all day long.

Ignore the fact that I prefer redheads and brunettes.

How about this one: "Well, it's OK when you do it!" Could refer to almost anything, like jamming up the dryer with 40 pounds of towels, or leaving a pot with dried out and crusted chili on the stove, or forgetting to tell her what time you're coming home. Doesn't matter, this is an engraved invitation to a fight. Do not accept.

I love the "This house is the worst looking pigpen I've ever seen!" Always makes me laugh because I can't help but wonder how many pigpens she has seen (not a farm girl). What this means is get up off your lazy ass, stop watching football and go around dusting or doing dishes or mop the floor. Doesn't matter what it is as long as you do something.

And now a happier ending. Back when I was dating my first redhead, we were sitting in the car late at night in front of her dorm. I guess she was feeling insecure because she looked at me and said "Do you love me as much as when you first told me?" Luckily, I had more active brain cells than I do now and I replied, "No." (pause for effect) "I love you more".

She broke down crying and I was golden for at least two days.

You're also accountable for your actions in your own dreams. My ex-fiancee had an uncanny ability to wake up when I was mid-dream and decipher my sleeping mutterings into all sorts of nasty things. Then wouldn't tell me why she was pissed off at me.

When us men sit around thinking about nothing, we're really listening to the Universe as it rotates on the Main Bearing. One of our jobs is to listen for noise from that bearing.

So far, it's been quiet.

Don't knock it. The ladies of the family no longer ask me what I'm thinking about.


Old Guy

I got that reaction at a local range a few years ago with the 3" .44 Magnum. A blue fire a foot long jumps out when you touch it off and it goes BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!! It silenced the whole range and every guy there was looking at me with bug eyes. Hilarious!

@ Dart:

I'm a redhead, by the way. We are a refined taste. It takes a real man to handle us.

Miao, Cat

Naw, just a confident one.

Rules for redheads:

1) You can persuade them, but never actually tell them what to do.
2) 80% of everything really has nothing to do with you; don't take it personal. It's a sign of affection that they're pointing a rant your way - the people they don't like aren't worthy of it.
3) If they're talking, you're okay. If they go silent, you aren't.
4) Watch the eyes. Most redheads have multiple colors in their eyes, and they change with mood. For my wife, blue is bad; green is good. It's subtle, so pay attention!
5) The tighter you hold them, the more they want to get away.
6) Remember that "permanent record" they had at school? Redheads have mental filing cabinets full of them, and they never get lost and offenses are never expunged.
7) Redheads are like cats; you can't make them purr, but if you wait just a little while they'll start it up on their own.
8. No matter what they say, redheads are jealous. The flip side is that they never flirt; they're just being nice to people.
9) Never give up without a fight. Every redhead I know had zero respect for a man that didn't stand up for himself; sometimes you have to stick to your guns.
10) Never win a fight completely; even if it's a minor concession to a larger subject, give them something.

Dart, I think those rules fit pretty much all women and they are accurate with any relationship.