NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)


(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint.. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)


(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!


(9) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.


* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh because they know it's true!!!

You are wrong about these. Since you are a guy, you are always wrong.

A friend uses this as his sig on another board

So then the key here is just to NOT get married. Most men just want the sex anyway and you can get plenty of that without being married so why get married and take on all of that grief?

I am so just not touching that. Lots of married guys here. I will just say that I am happily divorced.

If a man is alone in a forest, talking to himself, is he still wrong?

Not if the only words he says are "Yes dear"

That's why I didn't say ALL men.

If he has an imaginary 6 foot tall, thin blonde talking to him then yes, he's still wrong.

6 foot is to tall for a woman. I prefer shorter women.....with a flat head, so I have a place to put my beer.

/hides

LMFLO..
So true.. A gem this is.

Ooooooooooo, D, that was bad. Funny, but bad..

LOL, if a man really wants a lot of sex, the very last thing he should do is get married!



However, the definiton of "a lot" of sex is a matter of perspective and very different between men and women.

I've often heard that one should put a nickel in a jar every time one makes love to their wife in the first year of marriage, and thereafter take one out afterwards. On the fifth anniversary, there should be enough to pay for the dinner.

A few other translations:

"What do you think about..." means you're about to agree that whatever follows is a great idea.

"Can you believe it?/Let me tell you about this..." means that a rant about something is about to start. This is important, as the woman is simply venting, and no matter what problem is being presented UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you interrupt to provide possible solutions. If she wanted you to come up with a solution, the problem would relate to the amount of gasoline in her car's tank or the fact that tomorrow is trash day and the bin isn't at the curb.

"My back/neck/leg is sore." This means her back, neck, or leg is sore. Men mistakenly assume this is an invitation to sex, but then again we think that "the toilet is stopped up again" is an invitation for sex.

"I'd really like (some food item)" means "road trip for you, my husband, and right now."

"Got a minute?" means stop what you're doing, no matter how much you don't want to, as whatever it is just got bumped down in priority by one.

A few responses men should never say:

"That's what I've been trying to tell you," in response to "I'm really getting fat."

"Nothing," in response to "what are you thinking about?" Women don't really comprehend the notion of thinking about nothing, as they seem unable to achieve the mental state men so readily fall into. Women are always thinking about something. Keep a short list of things you could have been thinking about that doesn't involve having to do work mentally handy when she breaks you out of your blissful droning. It can be as rediculous as you'd like, as women think about all sorts of things. I once got away clean with the response of "plastic extrusion processes;" one just has to be able to follow through with a discussion to match the topic. Just make sure it's one she has no interest in.

"I don't care," to "which of these is best?" It's a common trap; she's asking for your involvement in the decision process, and by saying you have no preference you're opting out; this is rejecting the social contract between you, and that's a bad thing. But don't worry, it's only your involvement in the process that's required - she's already made up her mind, and was seeking either validation of her choice or the thrill of contradicting you. You can't lose in any case. So pick one, no matter how arbitrarily.

I feel like the guy who farted in the middle of a crowded room and everyone retreats to the edges leaving me standing there by myself.

Dart - There is much wisdom in what you say.

Couple more observations:

"So where do you want to go?" means just exactly that. Pick something. Arby's, Burger King, Taco Bell, Cuba, doesn't matter. Whatever you do, DON'T respond with "I don't know, whatever you want". That's death in a box.

"We need to talk". This is a biggie. You're not going to like what's coming and more than likely you have no idea what it is. You're just coasting along with wind in your sails and you have no idea a torpedo is in your path. Get your life vest on and try to ride it out. "Yes dear" works a little, but watch for the "You're just patronizing me!" come back.

"What if we?" and the corollary "Do you think we could..?" Just agree. Yes, it will cost you money, just agree.

"I didn't see that post I backed into!" Respond with "We'll sue the bastages that put that post in a parking lot. I love you more than a car!"

My idea of a perfect woman is a 5' 6", 130 lb, greeneyed ,blonde, with fold away teeth and rotary gums.

Yes, women often can't grasp the idea of thinking 'nothing'. Truly bizarre IMO. Sometimes, my head it's like a quiet back porch complete with a wind chime. Just sweet, relaxing, nothing. Try to share something interesting with some women, where your head just zones in on the scene, and they are thinking and distracted by 100 things that have zero relevance to why we are there.

Why is that concrete cracking?
When did this chair cushion start to fray?
Do you ever dust your stereo?
That picture is hanging crooked on the wall.

Good grief!

When given a binary choice, pick both. "Would you rather go to a movie or watch the new DVD I bought" is best answered with a "yes, I would like to do both." She knows that you'd rather just stay home, unless the new movie is the Blu-Ray remastered version of Hope Floats. Be ready to follow up with a sincere "either sounds really good, so long as it's with you." She won't buy it, but then again she has a preference and was simply asking for participation.

Time constraints are encoded.

"We really should [do whatever]" >= 72 hours.
"We need to [do whatver]" = within 24 hours.
"We have to [do whatever]" = within 4 hours.

"You don't have to do this right now" means "I'm going to ask you for a status in thirty minutes, so you better have one." Alternately, this is a Sleeper Attack, wherein the task is held in reserve and then sprung on the man at a time and place where he has no possibility of completing it (such as while driving down a highway, at 0300 hours, while in orbit on the ISS, etc.).

[edit]



Oooh, I always fall for this one! For some reason I can't stop myself from saying "How the hell should I know?" or some other dumb thing. The variations are "When did this break, how did this get broken?" and so on. They're not really questions, they're observations in the form of a question. I'm getting better at it, though, as I can sometimes catch myself and reply in Jeopardy fashion - "I'll pick furniture durability for 200," or "What is mean average fail time for a cushion?" If you're going to fall into an argument for no good reason, might as well do it in style.

And the famous or infamous "Did you remember to...?" Best to just run away when you hear this.

I agree, mostly because I usually never remembered whatever it was.

If the woman is a redhead, all times you have to respond to something are reduced by half. Length of punishment is multiplied by 4 also.

It's true, it's true!

But marrying a redhead is totally worth it.

I wasn't so lucky and I can say from experience that every popular stereotype about redheaded women both good and bad is true!

Only if the carpet matches the drapes though. The bottle redheads aren't nearly as explosive.

I just took to heart Robert Heinlein's observation that while most people were evolved from monkees, redheads were evolved from cats.

Makes things a lot easier to understand. Or at least give one an understanding that one will never really understand, if you get my meaning.

Passion and pessimism make for an odd combination, but it keeps one on their toes!

Aside from the time component, what that really means.

"We really should [do whatever]" YOU really should...
"We need to [do whatver]" YOU need to...
"We have to [do whatever]" YOU better get you ass moving and...

:-)

I feel like I am digging myself a deeper and deeper hole in this thread. At least Dart, 20mm, and Magnum are right there in that hole with me.

My ex was the former.

Doesn't count.

Blondes who go red want an excuse to act dumb and crazy.
Brunettes who go red want an excuse to act smart and crazy.

True redheads can balance all three without coming off as insane.*

*Everybody is crazy, btw. But there is a good crazy and a crazy crazy. I think we've all dated both sorts.

I don't think I fell into the sensitive camp with my post.

I had three, yes, three, relationships with real redheads. Almost married the first, thank god I didn't.

Explosive, yeah, pretty much. But on the whole, like most other women. Crave attention above all else. I always wondered about women in the workplace. Lots of them would work for practically nothing as long as they got credit and attention. Take those two things away and it's an all day crab fest.

Same thing at home. Ignore them and you are in that deep hole Deceptis is digging. I'm in there too, with a pick and shovel.

Ever hear "How come we never talk?" That's not good, especially if you respond with "Honey we talked about the garbage pickup days just this morning!" Toast is up and your name is on it.

That's usually right before the "We need to talk" comment which signals the beginning of the end. I got the "How come we never talk" comment once and my response was "why do we need to talk?". I meant as in I am just content and don't see any need to talk about it kind of way. I got the stare for two days and then the crying for next two after that.

I am just a quiet kind of guy who doesn't talk a lot unless something is wrong. Goes back to the thinking about nothing line. If I didn't enjoy women so much, I would become gay. Two guys sitting around thinking about nothing. Hard to paint a better picture.

I've heard an explanation about this why the two sex'es have such a different approach to talking and sharing emotions/thoughts. It centered around the hunter background of men. They spent a lot of time being quiet and around other men hunters who were also being quiet. They were involved in a task that they approached as a need to be silent group. Jabbering and emoting worked against success.

Sounds right to me.

I knew I married the right one when, after a very long, frustrating day at work I said "you would not believe the day I had," at which she gave the (now) classical response:
"And I don't care or want to hear about it."



It was so out of the blue that it made me laugh.

Turns out she had a crappy day, too, and knew that we'd wind up having a highly spirited debate on who's day was worse. This would be an inevitability, as we're both competitive by nature. Since she didn't want to have to relive the last ten hours, she was upfront about nipping it in the bud.

There are real advantages to marrying a farm girl; a lot of the BS gets stripped out of conversation and interaction.

Mending fence in July in Alabama puts the question of "and how did it make you feel" into perspective on more than just mending fence.

I LOVE to spar and argue, but most women I've been with seem to sense this and deny me that satisfaction! If that's not diabolically evil then i don't know what is.

Start dating redheads!



If you want to keep them, though, argue about stuff that doesn't matter or has zero impact on anything important.

The last spirited disagreement the wife and I had was over the best type of oven-baked pizza.

It ended with "fine, you eat that crap if you want to, but don't expect me to buy it for you!"

I find myself oddly turned on at this moment.

OG to tribe's hunting party --- "Crane Hunter, despite your name, you stay at the village and tend the fire. The rest of you - no jabbering".

Nope. It's Panzer that stays back in the village. Look at his post count and tell me he knows how to shut up.

One of the things I'm looking forward to most about getting back to the East Coast- San Diego has a tragic shortage of natural redheads. Charleston, on the other hand...

Don't make those remarks while I'm at work!!! The colleagues want to know why I'm ROTFLMAO.

But regarding the wisdom in this thread... yeah, it's true, and it's universal. Or at least global!

Hubby claims I do almost all of these.

And I'm 5'11, Deceptis.

Miao, Cat

Yes, Firecrotches can be a handful, as can Latinas, but in the end they're just women and thus unstable but easily manipulated beings that don't know what's good for them! And if worse comes to worse I can always pull out a couple of licorice sticks and *woosh smack* a sense of tameness into them!

Hey, my conversational skills and outgoing demeanor actually make me a chick magnet.

LMAO. I've never heard that expression before.

I heard a comic years ago say that he just responded to dangerous outbursts from his significant other with "I'm sorry dearest, you're right", even if she comes back with "You're just SAYING that", stick with the "I'm sorry dearest, you're right." It worked for a while on my wife, she even claimed to appreciate it, but I couldn't help but revert to my blindingly honest self. Once she asked why I refused to argue with her over something she was more worked up about than I could get, and I told her that I didn't want to teach her to be totally evil by my miserable example. Now when she makes one of those loaded statements/guestions I give her the choice of honest or entertaining. Women can learn to enjoy the empty mind skills only if you will learn enough patience to give them a full ration of orgasms.

I find it's best to never apologize, as then you're not only still Wrong in their minds but also a contemptible grovelling weakling for it too, it's best to ride that issue down in flames while you plan another line of attack.

My lovely sweet hot 'n sexy mild-mannered girlfriend actually told me once,

"I don't have time to argue with you now. I have to argue with my mother!"

Only afterwards she could understand why I laughed out loud when I heard it...

That made me laugh too Legend.


Wheels

LOL my wife is a farm girl almost, We went shooting in calgary last year with her brother and his GF, she took the tommy gun and put 25 bullets in the targets head. that was both a turn on and scary moment in my eyes!

another favorite of mine is to suddenly break out in the best smile you have, whenever your lady is most wound up in a hissy. when she asks what the heck you are smiling about, and she will, just tell her that you were remembering how angelicly beautiful she was on the day you married each other. Actual mileage may vary.

This thread has many wise words...Nothing is scarier than the "we have to talk" line though...If that's not a tactical nuke of a statement, I don't know what is....

A few observations about living with a woman:

1) When shopping for "feminine products" for the wife, please understand they use different words than we normally would in describing these products.

"Super" does not mean a product is superior to "Regular." They refer to size. Screw this up at your own peril.

2) You are accountable for your actions in their dreams. And no, you do not have an alibi.

3) No matter how solid the theta waves were coming from the deepest part of your brain at 0200, the answer to the question of "can you sleep?" is going to be a definate no. Because you can't from that moment on. And no, she didn't wake you up for sex. Or to talk. She just wanted to know if, like her, you were unable to sleep and were simply faking a comatose state.

that happened to me once when I was married. My ex dreamed that I was sleeping with a blonde with big boobs. She woke up mad at me and didn't talk to me all day long.

Ignore the fact that I prefer redheads and brunettes.

How about this one: "Well, it's OK when you do it!" Could refer to almost anything, like jamming up the dryer with 40 pounds of towels, or leaving a pot with dried out and crusted chili on the stove, or forgetting to tell her what time you're coming home. Doesn't matter, this is an engraved invitation to a fight. Do not accept.

I love the "This house is the worst looking pigpen I've ever seen!" Always makes me laugh because I can't help but wonder how many pigpens she has seen (not a farm girl). What this means is get up off your lazy ass, stop watching football and go around dusting or doing dishes or mop the floor. Doesn't matter what it is as long as you do something.

And now a happier ending. Back when I was dating my first redhead, we were sitting in the car late at night in front of her dorm. I guess she was feeling insecure because she looked at me and said "Do you love me as much as when you first told me?" Luckily, I had more active brain cells than I do now and I replied, "No." (pause for effect) "I love you more".

She broke down crying and I was golden for at least two days.

You're also accountable for your actions in your own dreams. My ex-fiancee had an uncanny ability to wake up when I was mid-dream and decipher my sleeping mutterings into all sorts of nasty things. Then wouldn't tell me why she was pissed off at me.

When us men sit around thinking about nothing, we're really listening to the Universe as it rotates on the Main Bearing. One of our jobs is to listen for noise from that bearing.

So far, it's been quiet.

Don't knock it. The ladies of the family no longer ask me what I'm thinking about.


Old Guy

I got that reaction at a local range a few years ago with the 3" .44 Magnum. A blue fire a foot long jumps out when you touch it off and it goes BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!! It silenced the whole range and every guy there was looking at me with bug eyes. Hilarious!

@ Dart:

I'm a redhead, by the way. We are a refined taste. It takes a real man to handle us.

Miao, Cat

Naw, just a confident one.

Rules for redheads:

1) You can persuade them, but never actually tell them what to do.
2) 80% of everything really has nothing to do with you; don't take it personal. It's a sign of affection that they're pointing a rant your way - the people they don't like aren't worthy of it.
3) If they're talking, you're okay. If they go silent, you aren't.
4) Watch the eyes. Most redheads have multiple colors in their eyes, and they change with mood. For my wife, blue is bad; green is good. It's subtle, so pay attention!
5) The tighter you hold them, the more they want to get away.
6) Remember that "permanent record" they had at school? Redheads have mental filing cabinets full of them, and they never get lost and offenses are never expunged.
7) Redheads are like cats; you can't make them purr, but if you wait just a little while they'll start it up on their own.
8. No matter what they say, redheads are jealous. The flip side is that they never flirt; they're just being nice to people.
9) Never give up without a fight. Every redhead I know had zero respect for a man that didn't stand up for himself; sometimes you have to stick to your guns.
10) Never win a fight completely; even if it's a minor concession to a larger subject, give them something.

Dart, I think those rules fit pretty much all women and they are accurate with any relationship.

Perfect !

That is exactly my current situation, except I don't have to pay for it or anything, I'm divorced and can do what I want, buy what I want and say what I want. No way would I ever live with a woman (or man before you say anything) ever again and I'm serious!

The Great Thermostat Wars

No discussion about the differences between men and women would be complete without reference to their preferences in room temperature. This has been known since the cave dweller days. Men would be out hunting and come back to the cave to find the women huddled around a roaring bonfire so hot the rocks would glow. Having no thermostat or other recourse, the men would retreat outside and fuss among themselves.

In more modern times, the focus has been on the thermostat. Scientific studies have shown that men like a room temperature that is on average 10 degrees Fahrenheit cooler than women prefer. Plus or minus two degrees.

So at work, a man may be sitting in his cubicle, staring at his PC and sweating. He can't think straight, feels like he's going to faint. Over his head, a torrent of hot air is coming out of the vent. Just before it's too late, he realizes the situation and heads to the thermostat. "Damn it's frakking HOT in here" he thinks to himself as he resets the thermostat from 82 down to 72. Back in his cubbie, the air conditioner kicks in and he sighs as a rush of cool air descends upon him. Meanwhile, the females in their cubbies immediately start shivering and fuss among themselves. Soon enough, the A/C shuts down and more hot air comes out. Back to the thermostat the man goes, yep, it's now up to 84 degrees. And so the cycle continues until it's time to go home.

At home, it's more of the same. Late at night, the male wakes up in a sweat. "Why is it so frakking HOT in here?" he asks himself. Down the hall to the thermostat. Drops it ten degrees. An hour later, the female wakes up, shivering. "Why is it so frakking COLD in here?" she asks herself. Another trip to the thermostat, up ten degrees. And so on. Thermostats have been known to just drop off the wall in pure exhaustion over this.

Here's a good one. Women will often look outside and if it appears cold out there, rain, snow, cloudy, windy, whatever, the thermostat goes up five degrees from wherever it was before. The man sees this and using his highly refined but indiscriminate logic, goes to her and asks "What's up with the thermostat?" To which she responds "It's cold outside". Here comes the logic part: "So what", he says, "That doesn't change the temperature in here!" Her response "Yes, it does". And that signals the end of the conversation.

Men, whatever you do, if the wife or g/f is cold, DO NOT say "Well put on a jacket or a sweatshirt". You'll die or wish you had.

Reading all this makes me glad i'm divorced.

Roger that!

You all you need to work on your manipulation skills, my ex was a hot tempered feminazi and the most difficult woman I've been with by far and I still had her eating out of my hand when all was said and done.

we have a wood fired hot water system and only use the gas boiler when the weather is more mild. The gas is thermostaticly controled, but the wood fired takes it's orders from me. I usually let it die back before bedtime, so I can fill it with fuel just before I call it a day. That way it burns very slowly and lasts all night. When I first started using this system I often woke up in the middle of the night with it roasting hot. Open the windows and throw off the covers for an hour or two. The upside was that it started my wife sleeping sans nightgown, a habit that has lasted, hoooraaaay.

Get OUT of my mind!!!!!! It's like you know me, and that isn't too cool.

Miao, Cat