Ooooooooooo, D, that was bad. Funny, but bad..

LOL, if a man really wants a lot of sex, the very last thing he should do is get married!



However, the definiton of "a lot" of sex is a matter of perspective and very different between men and women.

I've often heard that one should put a nickel in a jar every time one makes love to their wife in the first year of marriage, and thereafter take one out afterwards. On the fifth anniversary, there should be enough to pay for the dinner.

A few other translations:

"What do you think about..." means you're about to agree that whatever follows is a great idea.

"Can you believe it?/Let me tell you about this..." means that a rant about something is about to start. This is important, as the woman is simply venting, and no matter what problem is being presented UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you interrupt to provide possible solutions. If she wanted you to come up with a solution, the problem would relate to the amount of gasoline in her car's tank or the fact that tomorrow is trash day and the bin isn't at the curb.

"My back/neck/leg is sore." This means her back, neck, or leg is sore. Men mistakenly assume this is an invitation to sex, but then again we think that "the toilet is stopped up again" is an invitation for sex.

"I'd really like (some food item)" means "road trip for you, my husband, and right now."

"Got a minute?" means stop what you're doing, no matter how much you don't want to, as whatever it is just got bumped down in priority by one.

A few responses men should never say:

"That's what I've been trying to tell you," in response to "I'm really getting fat."

"Nothing," in response to "what are you thinking about?" Women don't really comprehend the notion of thinking about nothing, as they seem unable to achieve the mental state men so readily fall into. Women are always thinking about something. Keep a short list of things you could have been thinking about that doesn't involve having to do work mentally handy when she breaks you out of your blissful droning. It can be as rediculous as you'd like, as women think about all sorts of things. I once got away clean with the response of "plastic extrusion processes;" one just has to be able to follow through with a discussion to match the topic. Just make sure it's one she has no interest in.

"I don't care," to "which of these is best?" It's a common trap; she's asking for your involvement in the decision process, and by saying you have no preference you're opting out; this is rejecting the social contract between you, and that's a bad thing. But don't worry, it's only your involvement in the process that's required - she's already made up her mind, and was seeking either validation of her choice or the thrill of contradicting you. You can't lose in any case. So pick one, no matter how arbitrarily.

I feel like the guy who farted in the middle of a crowded room and everyone retreats to the edges leaving me standing there by myself.

Dart - There is much wisdom in what you say.

Couple more observations:

"So where do you want to go?" means just exactly that. Pick something. Arby's, Burger King, Taco Bell, Cuba, doesn't matter. Whatever you do, DON'T respond with "I don't know, whatever you want". That's death in a box.

"We need to talk". This is a biggie. You're not going to like what's coming and more than likely you have no idea what it is. You're just coasting along with wind in your sails and you have no idea a torpedo is in your path. Get your life vest on and try to ride it out. "Yes dear" works a little, but watch for the "You're just patronizing me!" come back.

"What if we?" and the corollary "Do you think we could..?" Just agree. Yes, it will cost you money, just agree.

"I didn't see that post I backed into!" Respond with "We'll sue the bastages that put that post in a parking lot. I love you more than a car!"

My idea of a perfect woman is a 5' 6", 130 lb, greeneyed ,blonde, with fold away teeth and rotary gums.

Yes, women often can't grasp the idea of thinking 'nothing'. Truly bizarre IMO. Sometimes, my head it's like a quiet back porch complete with a wind chime. Just sweet, relaxing, nothing. Try to share something interesting with some women, where your head just zones in on the scene, and they are thinking and distracted by 100 things that have zero relevance to why we are there.

Why is that concrete cracking?
When did this chair cushion start to fray?
Do you ever dust your stereo?
That picture is hanging crooked on the wall.

Good grief!

When given a binary choice, pick both. "Would you rather go to a movie or watch the new DVD I bought" is best answered with a "yes, I would like to do both." She knows that you'd rather just stay home, unless the new movie is the Blu-Ray remastered version of Hope Floats. Be ready to follow up with a sincere "either sounds really good, so long as it's with you." She won't buy it, but then again she has a preference and was simply asking for participation.

Time constraints are encoded.

"We really should [do whatever]" >= 72 hours.
"We need to [do whatver]" = within 24 hours.
"We have to [do whatever]" = within 4 hours.

"You don't have to do this right now" means "I'm going to ask you for a status in thirty minutes, so you better have one." Alternately, this is a Sleeper Attack, wherein the task is held in reserve and then sprung on the man at a time and place where he has no possibility of completing it (such as while driving down a highway, at 0300 hours, while in orbit on the ISS, etc.).

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Oooh, I always fall for this one! For some reason I can't stop myself from saying "How the hell should I know?" or some other dumb thing. The variations are "When did this break, how did this get broken?" and so on. They're not really questions, they're observations in the form of a question. I'm getting better at it, though, as I can sometimes catch myself and reply in Jeopardy fashion - "I'll pick furniture durability for 200," or "What is mean average fail time for a cushion?" If you're going to fall into an argument for no good reason, might as well do it in style.

And the famous or infamous "Did you remember to...?" Best to just run away when you hear this.

I agree, mostly because I usually never remembered whatever it was.

If the woman is a redhead, all times you have to respond to something are reduced by half. Length of punishment is multiplied by 4 also.