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#2847772 - 08/25/09 03:48 PM Another Relationship Question  
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I am not even really sure where to start this. I just wanted some outside opinions of people who are objective.

I have a female friend who has been going through a lot lately. She talks to me about pretty much everything. I guess I am her sounding board and she knows that I am not the gossipy type and won't say anything to anyone else about what is going on. I hear everything from her marital problems to her problems with her kids and her financial issues.

Here is the kicker, somewhere along the line, I developed feelings for her. She is married and I would never chase her or attempt to get her to have an affair or to leave her husband. That's not my style and I am a firm believer in that if she were to cheat on him to be with me, then she would do the same thing down the line and I could never trust someone like that. That's why I would never attempt anything. Besides, I am the one here who doesn't want a relationship. This all stems from past experiences so it's just easier being by myself.

I did tell her that I developed feelings for her about 2 months ago and told her that the only reason I told her was that I caught myself almost saying things by accident that would have given me away. I am an upfront person and didn't want her to respond to what I told her, so she didn't. I needed her to know so that if I gave any advice, she would also know where it's coming from and she could make an informed judgement call on whether she followed it or not.

I get confused a lot these days when it comes to her. I am basically her emotional tampon and want to be there for her, but then there are times that my feelings get in the way and I don't know what to say. I don't want her to feel abandoned if I back off. We do flirt some, but it's of the harmless variety and nothing I would ever attempt to back up. I think she uses it to feel better about herself at times.

She is definitely my best friend and I am pretty sure I am hers.

Any objective advice would be helpful.


Life is tough. Life is tougher when you are stupid. - John Wayne
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#2847777 - 08/25/09 03:55 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: Destructis]  
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One of my best friends is a chick that's married. I talk to her like I would any friend. I don't hold anything back, if it's on my mind I say it. I am sure if we met earlier in life her and I would be married. I tell her her husband is a fat ass who is lucky to have her, I tell her instead of getting her tongue pierced I suggest something a bit more erotic, and we both just laugh at it and go with it.

I don't know anything about you Mate (age, kids, past, etc), but don't get involved with a woman who's been married and has kids (unless you are use to it). There is some single hot chick out there with a semi-clean background, no kids, great education, and with a good heart just waiting to be swept off her feet. -Wait for that chick and go after her. Keep this woman your friend, keep being honest, but check your sex drive at the door.

#2847804 - 08/25/09 04:34 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: Destructis]  
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Quote:
I am basically her emotional tampon


Interesting phrase, don't think I've heard it before.

So, what was her response to your admission that you had feelings for her?

Here's another one, you don't work together do you?

I had a female friend, who worked for me and we got to be close friends. She had her life and I had mine, but we'd share what was going on. It's good to have a sounding board of the opposite sex. And she was attractive, no doubt. But it reminded me of the "Harry Met Sally" premise, which is that men cannot be friends with a woman they find attractive because the sex thing always gets in the way.

It never did with us, but I was very careful to not let it go that way.

I'm not sure what your question actually was, but if it's "should I keep being friends", yeah sure. You put your cards on the table, I'm assuming if she's you best friend she did as well. You both know the stories, so just continue the friendship.


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#2847809 - 08/25/09 04:42 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: Counterman]  
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Originally Posted By: Counterman
One of my best friends is a chick that's married. I talk to her like I would any friend. I don't hold anything back, if it's on my mind I say it. I am sure if we met earlier in life her and I would be married. I tell her her husband is a fat ass who is lucky to have her, I tell her instead of getting her tongue pierced I suggest something a bit more erotic, and we both just laugh at it and go with it.

I don't know anything about you Mate (age, kids, past, etc), but don't get involved with a woman who's been married and has kids (unless you are use to it). There is some single hot chick out there with a semi-clean background, no kids, great education, and with a good heart just waiting to be swept off her feet. -Wait for that chick and go after her. Keep this woman your friend, keep being honest, but check your sex drive at the door.



As a married man with a wife and kids I back up all your statements 100%.

When I was single that was a bridge I would never cross for that very reason that I would not want it to happen to me as a married man and she would wander from you the first chance she got.

Playing in a band in the 80s I had more than enough changes to cross that bridge but then my morals and conscience would have been gone forever. Not to be religious but for me, according to the 10 Commandments burning in Purgatory forever always made me check my Libido at the door.

Last edited by Lone Star Ace; 08/25/09 04:44 PM.
#2847810 - 08/25/09 04:44 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: Counterman]  
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I am divorced for about 10 years now with two kids. I am 48. Dated quite a bit after my divorce and got into a few relationships and the last two cheated on me. I haven't really dated for the last 4 years and been relationship free, other than a couple of friends with benefits things going. I have done very well in regards to my feelings the last 4 years and when I caught myself getting close, I backed way off. This one just snuck up on me.

To be perfectly honest, I think she has feelings for me too but haven't asked and I really don't want to know. Well, maybe I want to know a little bit but I feel that knowing would do me more harm than good. I do trust myself and know that I would actually turn her down if she wanted to sleep with me. I doubt that she would suggest it though. She takes marriage seriously and has told me (while talking about someone else) that she if she ever found someone else, that she would get out of her marriage before doing anything about it. I really do respect the hell out of her. I think that is one of the reasons that I get confused sometimes.

Keeping my sex drive in check isn't an issue at all.


Life is tough. Life is tougher when you are stupid. - John Wayne
#2847822 - 08/25/09 04:57 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: 20mm]  
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Originally Posted By: 20mm
Quote:
I am basically her emotional tampon


Interesting phrase, don't think I've heard it before.

So, what was her response to your admission that you had feelings for her?

Here's another one, you don't work together do you?


Re: Her response....While talking as we were becoming friends I had told her that I had resigned myself to never getting in a relationship again. She had told me that once I find the right person, that my feeling on that would change. She said she was the same way for a long time. The way I did it was that I asked her if she would rather know a truth, even if she didn't like it or if she would rather not know. She said she would rather know a truth. Then I said.."I don't know when, but at some point I realized that I have developed feelings for you". She didn't say anything for about 10 seconds and then laughed and said "(Insert her name here) was right" and kept saying it happily down the hall.

Yes we work at the same place, but not to closely together. We take cigarette breaks and go to lunch together.

I really don't know what my question is to be honest. I know that I think about her a lot and look forward to our talks. Maybe I am hoping someone posts something that will give me an epiphany. Maybe I am just needing to talk about it. I guess that's where the confusion comes in. I am having problems looking at it objectively and recognize that so I decided to post here.


Life is tough. Life is tougher when you are stupid. - John Wayne
#2847824 - 08/25/09 04:58 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: 20mm]  
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I'm reminded of this satirical Onion opinion piece which I find all too true..

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/but_if_we_started_dating_it?

I've been in a similar situation (sans marriage/kids but she was in a long-term relationship). In my experience "emotional tampon" is the perfect word for it, you are who she goes to when things are bad, rather than the person she SHOULD talk to.. her significant other. Basically you are getting all the serious parts of a relationship without all the really great parts (intimacy, sex, romance etc.).

Ahh.. a very vague and unresponsive answer. Rather than deal with the truth you told her she skirted the issue.

To be honest I think your best bet would be to distance yourself from that relationship. Take a little vacation from it. You don't want to break her up, well that's the only way your love is going to be returned, so start spending more time apart and see if you can move on. It's tough, I know, but in the end it's probably for the best.

Last edited by LightHead; 08/25/09 05:01 PM. Reason: question answered!

Ever forward!
#2847831 - 08/25/09 05:04 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: Destructis]  
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Boy you're OLD!!! exitstageleft

Keep in mind I am 26, so any experience I have is from the last 10 years and I have never been married.

I think about the times I have been in a relationship and how long it was between them, normally it was about 1-3 years. I just recently got into a relationship with (out of all people) a Brazilian I met while in Chicago, yes, she lives in Chicago now. She has a very rough past and has HUGE defensive walls. I have the patience to try and work through those walls, but it won't be easy. We kind of just clicked really well and it went from there.

I suppose my point is, if you really like this woman and she is a good friend, sit her down and talk to her. Tell her what you said in these posts. If she gets freaked out by it then your problem is solved. If she has a conversation with you, you might be able to get some answers. Obviously just the fact you posted about her speaks volumes of your opinion of her, so just be a man and talk to her. If she is a good friend, she'll still be a good friend afterwards. Perhaps you'll find out her marriage isn't all that great, perhaps she isn't happy, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps, but the only way you'll know is if you talk to her.

She isn't a forbidden fruit. You just might not be able to have it. Plus, she is a girl! Girls always know other girls and maybe she can set you up with a friend or coworker. There has to be other single old folks out there wink

#2847851 - 08/25/09 05:18 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: Counterman]  
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Point blank is that she is married. I won't ever overstep my self imposed boundries because of that.

I withdrew from her after telling her for a couple of days. She would email me trying to talk and all I would say was I was fine. I also told her that I put myself out there emotionally and that it scared me. She just said that she wanted to be able to talk like we did before I told her. It took me about 3 days and now our conversations are more open and trusting. We don't talk about "us" though. We talk about more personal things now also.


Life is tough. Life is tougher when you are stupid. - John Wayne
#2847866 - 08/25/09 05:29 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: Destructis]  
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So she is basically telling you not to worry about anything. I would almost assume she soaked it in and by talking about more personal things she is letting you further into her life.

You could always take the 'seed planting' approach. Just keep watering the seed and maybe some day she'll get a divorce and you two can live happily ever after. If it doesn't work out that way, at least you have a friend.

#2847872 - 08/25/09 05:36 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: Destructis]  
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Keep the friend D, good friends are hard to find.

I'm reminded of all the times my female buddy and I went out to lunch or grabbed some breakfast. The conversation was hilarious, it was like we were on the same channel. She'd say what I was thinking and vice versa.

One time we went to an Arby's drive through. We ordered and got our stuff, but as she's going through the bag there's no salt or ketchup. She mentions this to Arby employee, who was actually a little snotty through the whole ordering process.

So my friend asks for the salt and ketchup and the Arby's person goes off in a huff and my friend says "Horses ass", not realizing that the Arby's girl has now come back to window. Needless to say, she wasn't real friendly. We both started laughing and my friend says "Did I really say that or just think it?"

It was a running gag for months later.


Pat Tillman (1976-2004):
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#2848045 - 08/25/09 10:09 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: 20mm]  
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My thinking is this, you can't be "best" friends with a compatible women, period.

If my wife had a new male friend, there would be quite the discussion, same goes for me if I had a new lady friend.
It will lead to more than friendship 99% of the time IMO.
Invest your time in finding a single women to fullfill your needs.

Oh and tell your "married friend" to go have her heart to heart talks with the man she's married too or a professional, or better yet another women to chat with.

You're becoming part of the problem here buddy, not part of the solution to her problems.
Not trying to be a prick here, just calling it as how I see it.





#2848079 - 08/25/09 10:48 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: PositiveG]  
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Precisely.. how I saw it too..

Eh sorry for eavesdropping.. fearful


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#2848091 - 08/25/09 11:21 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: Boilerplate*]  
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I don't know what kind of conversations she is having or isn't having with her husband. I have never asked. I don't think anyone is trying to be prick and that's why I asked for objective opinions. I am not trying to get her into bed. I have stated that multiple times. Friendship, like any other type of relationship is built over time. It comes with trust.

I am not saying you are right or wrong, but I think that if she isn't (which I don't know) talking with her husband about the same things she talks to me about, then there are issues in the relationship that are not of my making. She probably wouldn't be talking with him about them if I were there or not. If she had a girlfriend that she talked with about this stuff, would you feel differently? I think you are assuming that I am using this to bed her or to ruin her marriage, which I am not.

I honestly don't mind if the comments are negative towards me. As I said in my original post, I am pretty confused right now and can't be objective. I want to do the right thing for everyone concerned and that's why I posted. No matter what I decide to do, it won't be easy. I am afraid someone will get hurt no matter what happens and I ok with it only being me. Hurting her would be harder on me than anything. One thing I always try to do is be a good person. My intentions are honorable. If they weren't, do you really think I would have made my original post?


Life is tough. Life is tougher when you are stupid. - John Wayne
#2848169 - 08/26/09 01:45 AM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: Destructis]  
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It's dangerous to become the target of someone else's cathexis. What you're describing is very similar to the erotic tranference that pshrinks endure from some of their patients. It's very bad when you let it progress to the point where you reciprocate such feelings as a confidante.

In the best case scenario of two single people going through the same thing, you have the awkwardness of pity and commiseration being mistaken for affection and love. In your particular case, you shouldn't have put your cards on the table and did your best to avoid having feelings for her.

Ah, well. I did too many years of social psychology at Hopkins.


You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
#2848330 - 08/26/09 10:33 AM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: shan2]  
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Quote:
I've been in a similar situation (sans marriage/kids but she was in a long-term relationship). In my experience "emotional tampon" is the perfect word for it, you are who she goes to when things are bad, rather than the person she SHOULD talk to.. her significant other. Basically you are getting all the serious parts of a relationship without all the really great parts (intimacy, sex, romance etc.).


LightHead nailed it pretty well.

You need to evaluate two things:

1) Are you getting "friendship" out of this relation? Is it mutual supportive? Will she be there for you to talk about your problems and help you just the same you are there for her? Or is it currently - or has always been - a one-sided process where you get her emotional baggage but she isn't actually filling the "friends" role for you?

2) Is your attraction to her going to keep you from being attracted to other women? That is a hard one to assess honestly, but a good indicator would be if you find yourself comparing other women to her.

If the answers are YES/NO (in that order), then continue with the frienship, but make sure to keep your usual comfortable distance (time, frequency). If you find yourself aiming for more meetings, longer meetings with her, reevalute.

If the answer to the above questions is any different from a clear YES/NO, you will ultimately need to break up this relationship.

That's about the closest to mathematical truth I can give you on this situ.

Oh, and while it's good-hearted, trying to "do the right thing for everyone involved" is not wise and sometimes leads to people badly damaging themself. Be honest and open, but otherwise look out for what's best for you, trust the other persons involved to be mature enough of looking out for themself which they can easily do as long as you are honest.

#2848380 - 08/26/09 12:41 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: RSColonel_131st]  
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Most definitely a Yes/No.


Life is tough. Life is tougher when you are stupid. - John Wayne
#2848400 - 08/26/09 01:28 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: Destructis]  
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Well, then keep doing what you are doing, but make sure to frequently reevaluate these two questions. #2 is in fact a killer that many a guy falls for, and it leads to a totally unhappy life if you end up answering it with "yes", at which point you pull the yellow-black handles above your seat...

#2849715 - 08/28/09 01:41 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: Counterman]  
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Keep the boundaries there.

When I was about 21, I had a girl who ALWAYS used to go out with me, but nothing developed. Then one day, she said to me: 'Andy, I have always looked up to you like an older brother, and I will always love you like that, and we will know each other til the end of our lives'.

I respected that, and we still are friends, and I WILL continue to look out for her.

Believe me, if you got that as well, it's something real special.


Kindest regards,

AJ

"If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete." - The Art of War - Sun Tzu
#2850475 - 08/29/09 06:56 PM Re: Another Relationship Question [Re: FishTaco]  
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I can't be just friends with a woman I am attracted to. Maybe I am a retard but, I can't shake the desire bed them. Immaturity, personality defect, over-active testes... it is what it is...


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