Hey, quiet you lot, stop yammering! All this talk of Dux's food is putting me off my delirium! I'm trying to hear that plane that SNAFU saw! I think I have it figured out, it's a British Walrus looking for 'Egg' convoy. Maybe if we all yell 'GOO GOO GA JOOB' they might think we are the 'egg' men and they'll come and rescue us
Guys, put down those oars it was just a joke - no, stop, you need me to row!!!!

Folks,

Well it looks like the Village Photos server is back online so you can now see just what that pirate JRToo was really up to.

Sir C51:

Delirium? Now you have the DTs too? That nasty stuff must be going 'round? Dux had it yesterday, remember, he saw those pink elephants no one but poor SNAFU could also see? Good lord, what will happen if I come down with it too? There will be no one to steer the bloody boat.

Do not worry men for I have led a nearly perfect life and I am the very picture of robust health. Demon rum has never passed my pouty lips so I will therefore not be afflicted by this awful malady. Hmmmmmm. SNAFU break out the ship's virtually painless, environmentally safe harpoon. I spy a huge pink whale right off the starboard beam.......

Folks,

Ship's Log
Date: 7/17/40
Time: Dark
Position: I'm in the stern of the boat

The ocean sure is placid tonight. All I can hear is a soft lap, lap, lap as the ripples hit the side of the boat. SNAFU is dozing in a pool of his own urine way up front and he is mercifully down wind whilst the industrious and ever hopeful C51 is trolling for fish using Dux's belt for a line and a safety pin for a hook. Dux is huddled amidships trying to keep his pants up and has his face in the fresh water bag lapping up......Dux! That is the last few drops of fresh water we have.....wait your bloody turn! So that was the soft lap, lap, lap I heard, I should have known.

I myself am feeling the strain of days at sea though I am somehow holding fast to the tiller. I'm doing my very best to keep awake and to keep us on a steady course toward land and safety. Captain/navigator SNAFU set that course for us before passing out due to a lack of sleep.... and from being struck in the head by an oar. C51 was abjectly apologetic however SNAFU was unconscious by then and quite beyond noticing. I'm sure he'd want to know, so I'll tell him when he comes to.

It gets quite chilly in an open longboat when the sun goes down. Thankfully I was awake to prevent Dux from building that blazing fire. Who knew he had two dry sticks to rub together? We thought we spotted a great pink whale earlier but sadly that was a mirage. Our trusted lookout Dux called out a red seaplane on the horizon just after dawn this morning. At first we paid no attention because he had already called out several elephants, a tow truck and the Good Year Blimp. Then as we rubbed our eyes and scanned the horizon we saw it too. Everyone jumped for joy...unfortunately lovely Joy was not with us in the boat.....Imagine our great despair then when, as the red speck drew near, we found it was only C51's lost bloomers filled with a 10 knot breeze coming back to us across the waves. At least it perked up C51's spirits for a time.

To our great relief and surprise Dux and C51 got the radio working again. Those two bright sparks managed that marvel of technical wizardry by simply kicking the rattley old thing 'round about the boat several times. We all huddled expectantly around the the beat up, little metal box as Dux slowly tuned round the frequencies. Finally we picked up the last twenty-five minutes of today's Howard Stern Show broadcast from NYC.... and yes, we three certainly enjoyed that. Frankly though I do wish we had used that last twenty-five minutes of battery life to transmit at least one S.O.S. and our presumed position to the Coast Guard.

I see SNAFU shows some signs of reviving. It is about ruddy time too, I'm terribly sleepy myself and it's his turn to steer. Sleep won't come easy for me, I've developed seaborne insomnia.... now whom might I get to hit me with an oar......

SNAFU rouses from his coma with a huge smile, but nobody asks where he has been in his dreams for fear that he might tell the truth. Just as he does, he pulls his hand from his pocket and Old Dux jumps, nearly overturning the boat. "Is that an electric watch?" SNAFU thinks for five minutes, then with the smile fading from his face answers "Yea". Dux takes a quick poll of the crewmen to see what other electrical items we have. He himself produces a Steamboat Willy nightlight, signed by Adolf Galland. C51 searches his pockets and finds a power operated jewelry case with a jack in the box hula dancer.(He claims to have won it in a poker game.) Unfortunately the batteries are nearly dead - there isn't much to do while drifting around the ocean. JRT pretended to search the horizon. All the crew looked at each other and simultaneously pounced while SNAFU searched his pockets. Before long he produced the electrical motherlode - the zapper, compliments of Olga and Ilsa. Old Dux went to work and hooked all the batteries up to the radio. "Yes, just enough juice for one or two more messages". Using the zipper of his trousers as a telegraph, he started tapping away. It was an hour later before we realized that the batteries had run out after 2 minutes. "Dux, what did you send, who heard us?"
"No problem", they should be hear in half an hour"
"who, who"
"Pizza pizza - I hope you all like Anchovies!"
Just before we tore him limb from limb, he put us off the task by adding that he had also gotten a message through to the taxation office saying he had no intention of paying his overdue bill. A stroke of brilliance. It wouldn't be long before they would locate us!

Folks,

C51:

LOL. The taxman cometh. Thank goodness you are here each night as the others seem to be AWOL. Or perhaps they are flying missions? I'm confident they'll check in sooner or later.

Ship's Log
Date: Today
Time: Night
Present Position: I'm in the bow of the boat

Well they found the Zappit 1200 I took off Olga. I nicked that during the big fight just before she bent the harpoon in half with her teeth, cursed Dux soundly and turned to swam back toward Canada. It is a pity for that would have been our only defense against Olga's wrath should she return to attack us again. Frankly I do not think Dux's nerves could take it and I know the boat couldn't. Oh well, now the batteries are kaput so it is of little use to anyone. C51 has been begging Dux to hit him with it but so far Dux isn't the least interested.

We've been following in Olga's spreading wake for days now. Occasionally we catch sight of her silhouette near the horizon but she is making so much speed we can never hope to catch up. If we only had a sail. Even when Dux is bathing twice a day whilst pulling us along by a stout halyard clenched tightly in his teeth we make only about 3 knots. Some say he actually slows us down when he does that due to the fact that he is often seen some distance behind the boat instead of in front of it. All agree that it makes him feel he is contributing and it is certainly worth it just to keep him so clean and good smelling.

SNAFU regained consciousness an hour ago and thankfully he seemed to hold no noticeable grudge against C51 who had struck him behind the ear with an oar. Sensing it was safe to return, C51 has now climbed back into the boat and although he is keeping a weather eye on SNAFU, just in case, I really think that a possible crisis was neatly averted by SNAFU's cool if somewhat lumpy head. SNAFU is now cheerfully steering the boat so I can try and get a few winks of sleep.

The stars have come out and it is truly amazing how many there are across the length and breadth of the heavens. We city dwellers see only a tiny fraction of what dwells in the nighttime sky. Ahhhh! Look there. I saw a shooting star. Were we not in such desperate straits one could be quite content just lying here softly rocking in this leaky old boat looking up into the endless darkness as the constellations of ancient times slowly continue their ageless journey crossing over us.

Wait....that was no shooting star. Damn it Dux stop playing with the flare gun. I told you ten times already we do not need to signal each and every time you spot another pink elephant, London bus or bleedin' locomotive.

It's the DTs you know. Horrible stuff. Last night he swore he saw the Barnum and Bailey Circus train. The really bad part of it all was that SNAFU bought us all circus tickets and we enjoyed the show but that rascal C51 wouldn't share his cotton candy with anyone.

I can hardly hold my eyes open any longer......

All,

Great, it's getting dark again and still no help in sight. Look at them sleeping like a bunch of babies in the rocker. Christ, JR2 snores loud enough to wake the dead. Hmmm, If I wacked C51 with the ore now he'd not for sure know who did it. I could tell him floating debris was washed aboard and hit him. God I'm hungry, where the hell is that pizza.

That Dux is something. Nothing ever seems to bother that chap. He doesen't complain like the rest of us, works hard to help out. What a guy. I wonder if I could slip that candy bar from his pocket without waking him. Nah, geeez, I'm loosing it. These are my mates and I keep thinking of bad things while they entrust their lives to me.

Oh that's perfect....now it's raining. The cold pellets feel like darts piercing my clothes and bare face. Combat over England seems easy compared to this fate. I wish we would either be swollowed up by the raging seas or be spared. Whichever it may be let it come quickly. We are slowly dying out here.

Now which way was I supposed to stear...

Folks,

Sir SNAFU:

The sudden rain squall and that persistent bell ringing woke me from a sound sleep. Wasn't that the doorbell? Didn't someone order pizza?

Bad news guys, SNAFU absolutely hates anchovies so he told the nice fellow in the long-distance pizza delivery boat to take a hike. Looks like it's left-over gull entrails again tonight......

Will we ever get out of this stinking tub? We seem to be going around in circles...I'm sure that's the same U-Boat captain's underpants we have passed about four times.

I'm beginning to lose faith in our seamanship abilities too. About an hour ago I had just finished delving below the galley in search of what I almost certainly thought would be a mis-placed chunk of gorgonzola cheese, only to discover a pair of JRT's socks. I gave the sextant to SNAFU and asked him to 'shoot the sun.' He came back 10 minutes later and said that he couldn't find the ammo.

Then I reminded C51 that it was his turn to 'belay the topgallant discombooberating ratchet', 'scrotumize the cabin boy's waste conduit' and 'raise the windlass skirting flange'.
He didn't know what the bloody hell I was talking about.

Honestly chaps, we've got to get a grip of this or we are 'goners'

O.K. then,...this is the bottom line, and as far as I can see, it may be our only hope.
When I was attached to the British Legation in Slobski, Olga presented me with a silk emboidered jockstrap featuring a picture of Stalin. I am still wearing it but Stalin's image has faded a little and he seems to have gone crosseyed. Furthermore his moustache has turned green and the whole thing has become rather discoloured.
Anyway... the thing is that she had a silver whistle stitched under the makers label and told me that in the time of most fearful dread I was to blow this to summon her. In actual fact, nothing could be more dreadful than her arrival.
Reminds me of the dire consequences of such an action in M.R.James' 'Oh,Whistle, and I'll come to you, my lad'....

So, shall we die on a lonely sea, or risk all with one final throw of the dice? Are we men or mice? Who will step forward to blow the fateful note?

I have decided to make us a final supper from that dead Albatross you hung around my neck.

Folks,

Sir Old Dux:

LOLFOFLMAO! You wouldn't dare blow that whistle.

Ship's Log
Date: Today
Time: Right Now
Present Position: I'm sitting in the stern of the boat thinking about pizza and watching us drift by those U-boat captain's drawers for the fifth time in an hour

We are enjoying a brief respite from rowing.

The great explosion of curses that followed SNAFU's sending the pizza guy away has now subsided. No actual blood was let due to the general physical weakness of the crew and the fact that only SNAFU knows which way we should paddle next.

Dux is sitting port amidships deeply submerged in his own thoughts fingering a small, silver whistle. SNAFU is in the bow of the boat holding a defensive oar between himself and the rest of us. He seems to be just about nodding off. C51 has returned to the boat after a futile swim in the direction of the swiftly departing pizza delivery craft. He is sitting starboard amidships mumbling to himself and eying SNAFU angrily. His well tailored rags are drying in the hot sun.

As for me I'm thinking how I wish someone had at least asked that delivery fellow for a tow. Wait, what's that Dux is mumbling? He says SNAFU did ask the pizza guy for a TOW. He did? Good ol' SNAFU. Forgive me for ever thinking you an idiot.

It seems you can't get good help in the pizza business these days. According to the still somewhat disturbed Dux, the dumb sod thought SNAFU meant he wanted a 'TOE' and he said to SNAFU "If you're that damned hungry why not take the pizza?" Then he quickly started his diesel engines and left with the pizza..... or did he? Dux is shaking his head and looking menacingly toward SNAFU in the bow. Hmmmmm. As I look closer at SNAFU he is in fact smacking his lips and rubbing his distended belly with his free hand (the one not holding the oar). He seems to have something red smeared around his lips and all over his beard...... That looks like.....it looks just like.... that looks suspiciously like tomato sauce and it's on his nose and there's a big drop or two running down near his right ear as well! ....... TOMATO SAUCE?

SNAFU......you dirty bastid! Ok crew, thanks to our well-fed boy here it's a well ripened albatross carcass for us tonight lads. (A suitably chagrined SNAFU's death-like demeanor brightens only slightly at the pleasant thought of a hot bird supper) I notice that and I say ..... And don't you even think about getting a taste SNAFU, you swine. Men what do you say, where did we stow the keel hauling rope?

All,

GET BACK the lot of ya or you'll all be wearin splinter wood nose rings. I didnt eat the damned pizza I swear. The red stain, well that's blood, spattered on my shirt after I hit my mouth on the rudder having fallen asleep while on duty last night. I didnt want to admit I dozed while on watch, that'a all.

I agree with Dux, should we not see help soon we may all go mad. Who knows what might happen. I'd hate to be the first one of us that goes to his maker. He will surely be a filet by suppertime. We must stop acting like a bunch of cutthroats and find a way out of this mess. Could we, should we attempt to summons Olga now, as Dux suggests. With all due respect to Sir Dux, of course not chaps. We hunted her and she knows it. She will not likely be in a charitable mood. The only thing worse than seeing the kriegsmarine pull along side would be to see Olga do so. Oh no, I aint goin there I tell ya's.

The weather starting getting rough, the tiny boat was tossed. If it werent for the courage of her steady crew the Minow would be lost, the Minow would be lost. As all hope was fading, a dark grey behemouth appeared on the horizon diretly on our heros heading. Was it a whale? asked JR2, No it's Olga yelled Dux. Who blew that freakin whistle? cried C51. It's the bloody Queen Mary SNAFU screamed at the top of his lungs. Oh sure, said C51 and over there, there comes King George V and Rodney. Oh yes and over that away is Prince of Wales steaming at 22 knots. No he's right and I think she's spotted us replied JR2. As the shape grew closer the boys finally had to agree with SNAFU. It was the Queen Mary fitted out for war, her skin a new coat of navy grey. From New York she had sailed for England having been refitted in America and ready for duty with her majesty's forces. Sit down SNAFU blared C51. Do you want to tip the boat now when we have come this far and are on the verge of salvation. The castaways managed to collar their excitiment and sat quietly as the first of the three craft lowered by QM made their way toward the half sunken lifeboat. They dreamed of what awaited them aboard the magnificant ship. Warm cloths, food, drink, Bob Hope? The day had finally come.

As the mostly beaten men climbed from the ladder onto the teaked wood deck of the Queen Mary...