McGonigle,

JRT has a tab at Firkin, Dugsmore and Bogsworthy Brewery?
No wonder his Mess bill is nowhere near as extensive of late. How did the bounder wangle that? Mind you, it makes sense. It is rumoured that he has been spending time in the company of the Director's daughter, Titania Dugsmore.

I read that book so long ago. Rawlins and Wright formed a formidable night fighting team. Most of those post-war publications will live on, and that one in particular is well worth a second or third read.

Christmas Greetings to you and yours also old chap! Nothing special laid on here.

Folks,

Dux:

It is grand to have you safe in the hanger once more. Take care not to forget the password of the day again. Should you not be shot outright climbing over the fence it would be a cold Christmas cooling your hobnailed boots in the post slammer.

My account, or tab as it were, is now and always has been with Shakitt,Stiritt,and Swallow purveyors of fine spirits since the year of our Lord 1066. Holders of the Queen's warrant, their ancient establishment sits on the highroad next to the offices of the noted barrister's Kanwee, Cheetum and Howe.

The rumors regarding my amorous adventures with that young lady and several others have been grossly exaggerated. To set the record straight, trust me, I have no carnal intentions whatsoever. To prove it, just last night, after hearing those '3 little words' spoken by her, I bounded through the nearest window to leave the Dugsmore lass without so much as a goodnight kiss.

Oh yes, to be completely truthful, the 3 little words were not "I love you". They were in fact, "My husband's home!"

Thanks to all who came to our comrade's aid. It has perhaps slipped his mind at the moment to suggest a just reward. Doubtless at any second he will remember to offer you helpful lads a pint at his expense.

Right Dux? Dux......? Er...forgive him, he can be shy at times. Particularly when there is money at stake.

JRT,

I for one am confident that your intentions regarding Mrs T. Dugsmore (of the Berkshire Dugsmores) were and will always remain entirely honourable. Excuse me while I choke on my Jack Daniels...

Incidentally, how is the dear lady's husband? I understand that he changed his name by deed poll when he arrived from Sweden where he was known as Thorg Blamfyst, the dockyard bouncer.

Of course, I intend to place that drink on the bar for those who have recently helped me through the latest password problems...just as soon as I can find some straws...now, how many will I need?

Foks,

Dux:

Be careful not to cough lest you spill a single drop of that delecious amber liquid. I believe you are mistaken regarding that particular family name. I refer to the family Dugsmore, formerly of Normandy, so long in good standing in the grave digger profession. They have been so, I am told, since a certain William assumed his well deserved sobriquet of 'Conquerer'.

As for that particular ladies husband, unfortunately, I left in such haste we were never properly introduced. I understand that he is a master of his trade and can put you six feet under, with or without the mere formality of dying first, faster than a jackrabbit can consummate a date. By the way, has anyone seen an un-claimed pair of size 40 dress trousers floating about? I seem to have misplaced mine.

LOL! Only you would have the unmitigated cheek to suggest the idea of using straws. Five straws and a gallon bucket filled with best bitter will do fine for the four of us lads. Yes, I'll match your cheekiness, although I did nothing at all to help, I will be using two straws.

JRT,

Those dress trousers are not familiar to me but I have this abiding memory of a pair of U-Boat captain's underpants that appeared and re-appeared in that maritime saga of a few years ago. I'm sure you will recollect...

Up to my eyeballs in pre Christmas preparations. Like everyone else I suppose.

Folks,

Dux:

Calm down. Take a rest and pause for a long breath. Christmas will come and go even if you do nothing at all. Take the time to enjoy the season.

At this holly berry time of year, on the occasion of the winter solstice, I suppose that you and your mates are so busy running around in white robes, drinking mead from deers horns, erecting impossibly heavy stones and possibly kissing trees? Or perhaps that would be our pal Stickman? I believe that he has a Celtic background and tradition. Naturally, however living on that volcanic island as he does the celebration won't be quite the same.

How ever you celebrate the season, it is my wish that the infectious laughter of happy children might fill your thoughts with the incomparable joys of all your Christmases past and the present and fill your heart with hope for all your Christmases to come.

Happy Christmas everyone!

Folks,

Dux:

Looks like my e-mails are being repulsed at the border. I've had two returned tonight. I tried to send our annual Christmas card to you and then a note telling you it was returned.

From what I read in the fine print, my e-mail was returned because my address or that of my ISP is listed as a possible source of SPAM. Moi? SPAM? I never eat the stuff. Honest!

Kindly check it out and see why I am being treated so shabbily. I'll part what's left of my hair and bathe more often if that will help.

Happy Christmas

JRT,

More problems I'm afraid. A dialer virus has been directing me via a premium call line so all email addresses changed. Don't know yet if that was necessary but got BT to put a block on premium rate numbers and then I downloaded the latest Norton software which quarantined five nasty hard-drive lurkers: two Trojans and three Downloaders. Won't know until tomorrow if my call rates are back to normal.

I was getting hammered at the rate of 7pence a minute and it was fortunate that BT sent me an interim bill so I was able to notice the charges without waiting another seven weeks for the usual account.

Happy New Year to All....and a pox on all hackers.

Folks,

Dux:

Nasty stuff. The perpetrators(s) should be locked in a confined area with Olga for several hours then given a pistol with a single round as their only way out.

Good thing I use Mailwasher Pro to read my e-mail still on the server without downloading it or I might have picked that up from you by accident. Any idea where you got that?

It happens to everyone at one point or another. I also use free software like Spyware Blaster, Ad-Aware and SpyBot to help prevent infection. I'm sure that Norton will do a good job for you but it isn't free anymore. I use the free AVG antivirus software and I am using a free firewall. Nothing is perfect but it all helps.

No matter where you surf, if you are required to download special software to enable you to download anything from that site be very wary. If they won't allow you to use commercial downloading software like Getright I'd be suspicious. Some sites can now ram stuff like dialers and trojans down your throat if you just visit their site. Adjust you browser settings for higher security. There are sites on the web to help you do that. Let me know when all is well again.

Not the best start for a Happy New Year. I wish you the best nevertheless.

JRT,

I checked my BT account for yesterday and it seems about right for the time online so maybe it's back to normal.

The Norton Antivirus was a wothwhile 25 quid and after I had downloaded the upgrades it really got to work. Blocking signals are coming up at about two minute at present but that includes low risk worms too. Musn't get too smug though because these programmes have to be kept up to date. I will check to see if automatic updates are enabled. Yet another new email address is on its way to your guano encrusted mailbox!