ya shmucks!

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

Marrying a woman becuase she looks hot is like buying a house for its paint.

The most effective way to remember your wife's Valentine's Day Card is to forget it once.

Husband to wife: ‘I hear you’ve been telling everyone that I’m an idiot.’
Wife: ‘Sorry, I didn’t know it was a secret.’

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

Losing a wife can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.
‘What’s up?’ says the driver.
‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman.
‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.